Ready for Love

I know, I have disappeared for the last four months––sucked into the world of grad school, the whirlwind of getting engaged and planning my future. I will be married in less than six months which is a major life change. It has been an amazing, frustrating, frightening, and exciting journey all at the same time. I have grown a lot, and still have a lot of growing to do. India Arie's song "Ready for Love" really hits home for me and forces me to ask myself, am I ready? Am I really ready? And am I ready for an even bigger and greater love––the love of God? Am I ready to be completely broken?

At the beginning of last year God challenged me to an examination and re-circumcision of my heart and that examination and re-circumcision is still in progress. I have no doubt that love will heal all of the wounded areas––it has healed many things for me, and still continues to. I am a work in process, a vessel under construction, under the transformation of His wonderful love.

I am sorry if I am not making a whole lot of sense tonight. I have a full heart that is overwhelmed with a lot of realization of what is and what is to come in my life in terms of my relationship with God and with others. While I don't want the mantle of a pastor, I do want the heart, passion, compassion, thirst, drive, etc of one. I don't think I want the weight of the mantle, or can handle the weight of the mantle until I truly have a heart for people. I'm not saying I don't have heart––I think I have more heart than the average person––but I think I need much more. As I said last year, my heart has been calloused and I have lost my passion for people.

And I realize that part of it is not so much losing passion, but being afraid of it––because passion may drive me to step out of my comfort zone. I feel like I have my running shoes on again, so much so that I am even afraid to be in church because I fear what may happen––what God may say, how God wants me to change and grow, how He wants me to step out. As much as I want to know, I equally don't want to know. It seems that when I want to know, God doesn't tell me, but when I don't want to know God is waiting to share. Ugg. I am weary from running, but too anxious and afraid to stand still. What will He say? What will He ask? How will I ever know if I don't ever stop and listen?

So this song has many layers of meaning for me. Not just a significant other love, but it is a reflection of my relationship with and to Love.


...I am ready for love
All of the joy and the pain
And all the time that it takes
Just to stay in your good grace...

I am ready for love
Would you please lend me your ear?
I promise I won't complain
I just need you to acknowledge I am here...

If you give me half a chance
I'll prove this to you
I will be patient, kind, faithful and true...

I am ready for love
If you'll take me in your hands
I will learn what you teach
And do the best that I can...

I am ready for love
Here with an offering of
My voice
My Eyes
My soul
My mind




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image source: http://rriderlausd.org/blog2/?cat=33

The Basic Purpose of Life

Dear God,
You have always taken care of me whether it was through surrogate parents or family, or You directly showing me love everyday––there has not been a day I have gone without You showing love and giving love to me, even if it is only in the mere act of opening my eyes, giving me breath, and allowing me to sleep peacefully. You have taken care of me, You have loved me, You have been my strength and for that I am truly grateful.

You aren't any less loving on the days I don't seek You or flee from Your love and those who You have sent to love me. Help me be present to Your love even on those days.
Let it envelope, surround, and embrace me.
Let it touch those places that are wounded and broken.
Let it permeate into the hope and the truth that I am loved by You, and beloved by You.
Let that be my motivation to live when I have forgotten my purpose.
Let me be reminded that whether I lose or forget my purpose,
my basic purpose is to love
and to be loved by Love,
to be loved by You.

Back to School

I have to be honest that I've put off even writing this entry because it would make life that much more real for me. So what have I been up to the last few months? Between two of my cousins getting married, finalizing things for school, moving and quitting my full time job to attend seminary--what haven't I accomplished this summer? The funniest thing about writing this entry is that when I first arrived in Philly that in and of itself was a great adventure. Now almost two and a half years later here I am, still in the same city but about to embark on an entirely different adventure all together.

When I arrived in Philly I knew God was up to something. And now that I am going to seminary in this season of my life, it is further confirmation that God is still up to something, though I can't say with complete confidence exactly what. I know that I am here to learn what it really means to be a Christian, to follow Christ, and realize the full meaning of this hard gospel that Jesus tells us to follow; to learn what true and complete unconditional love really looks like, and how I may implement that in my life now and for the rest of my life--basically learning more about God and my calling.

My last day of work was Friday, September 4th. This was major considering October would have marked 4 years with the very company I relocated to Philly for. I have not experienced not receiving consistent pay check since my teen years, so this should be very interesting. While I don't want to work at all (because of the 5 courses I'm taking in addition to 10 hours with the scholarship I am receiving), I will get a small part time gig if necessary, however my goal is to be self-employed and pay my way through school after the first year. For now I want to be as focused as possible on my studies, not only because it will be a huge adjustment from work to the college life again, but also because unlike undergrad, I have much more of a purpose going to seminary besides a degree--I am here to be transformed by God and never be the same--my entire life's direction will shift gears.

On top of quitting my job, I have also moved onto campus. This makes a lot of sense so that I won't have to commute plus it's only $350 which you can't beat. Yes, I do have a roommate again, but I think that as long as you've lived at least once on your own, having a roommate isn't so bad, especially since I have been so blessed to have good roommates since undergrad. I am trying to adjust to my new neighborhood and shopping areas as well as the demographics. I had been so comfortably knit between suburbia and urban--which is still the case now, but this time you have the more extreme--the ultra ritzy of the Main Line and then the city folks quite literally across the street. I'm not too certain of the internal demographics in the dorm but for the most part the people I've seen have been pleasant. Moving in was an adventure since my roommate and I had to squat in a commuter room until our actual room was ready to occupy. I still haven't quite settled in yet, but I have managed to cook baked oatmeal and spaghetti today. I have really missed cooking, and now that I am going to be on a set budget, it is important more than ever to cook rather than go out (and I will miss going out dearly!)

Last week I found myself getting those natural back-to-school feelings I used to have in elementary, middle and high school--will people like me? Will I make friends? Will my teachers like me? Will I like my classes? WOW. LOL. You'd think I was under 18 with all of the anxieties that came rushing back to me. But they have quickly subsided the closer that classes get (less than a day away!). I intend on making this school experience way different from any other experience that I've had my entire life--in terms of the relationships and friendships I build with classmates and professors, in terms of the amount of effort, time, and focus I will invest to my studies, in terms of God really being able to have my undivided attention, in terms of living a more consistent, meaningful, and intimate walk with God--I want this experience to be completely different.

I am already certain it will be, just from orientation alone. We were asked to write two essays about what our denomination means to us, and what we believe in terms of our doctrine--imagine essays at orientation! That was a shock for me. Also, I am so accustomed to the secular, that I was very surprised by the heavy emphasis of being led by the Spirit in simply selecting a discussion group to go to.

We also discussed the importance of remaining at the table in community, similar to Jesus remaining at the table at the Last Supper, despite knowing He'd be betrayed, despite listening to the disciple argue over who was the greatest--Jesus remained at the table. This article resonated with me about the importance of getting over my romanticized ideas of what community is, and taking the disillusionment as a blessing because I will now have the opportunity to learn the truth about being in community--which isn't always lovely, beautiful and agreeable because you are loving flawed human beings who often mean well but don't always convey it in a way that we can receive it. We were told the importance of being present in discussions, classrooms, and throughout our seminary experience and we were even challenged to take our conversations beyond classroom walls and to keep open the lines of communication.

At the end we made a large circle, held hands, and were asked to give a one word prayer--it was the most powerful prayer ever because people said things like faith, love, perseverance, endurance, joy, peace--so many uplifting words, and many of them repeated. We all had the same desires to make it through our coursework, our life work, God's calling for our lives in this space and at this appointed time.

And so the journey begins. People think that going to seminary is just about another degree--and for some people it is--but it is not just about the degree, as in the piece of paper we receive, but it is about our degree in the Lord, about our growth in Him, about knowing Him more fully and realizing our purpose and calling in this life. It is our opportunity to be stretched even beyond the limits we perceive. It's about cutting out the noise to hear His stillness, to hear His soft whisper, beckoning us closer to Him.

Prayer is a Privilege

In prayer I approach God with the hope of an answer, but not the expectation of one--meaning I have the faith that it will happen, but only happen according to God's will. I know there are times where I need an immediate answer, like in the instance with inquiring as to what me and TBW were “missing” out of our relationship. And God even answers the minor concerns and requests—like my mother using texting finally, so that I may communicate with her more readily! And when I prayed about having an extra car key and the dealership called me.

How much more will God answer the other things? What I also realize is that with the little time I spend praying, yet God is answering my prayers in a BIG way, how much more will I be able to do when I spend even more time with God, and even more time praying? Having my prayers answered encourages me that my words are just in vain, that He does listen and hear my requests, that He loves me enough to care to listen and care to act and to care so much about others as I do for me to pray on their behalf. I saw it with my former co-worker getting his name cleared, with TBW in being spiritually awakened, and many other minor things I have requested.

Having my prayers answered reminds me that it is truly a privilege to go to God in prayer, and so often we do not access what has been freely given to us. I am reminded of the hymn “What a Friend We Have in Jesus”:

“What a Friend we have in Jesus, all our sins and griefs to bear!
What a privilege to carry everything to God in prayer!
O what peace we often forfeit, O what needless pain we bear,
All because we do not carry everything to God in prayer.

Have we trials and temptations? Is there trouble anywhere?
We should never be discouraged; take it to the Lord in prayer.
Can we find a friend so faithful who will all our sorrows share?
Jesus knows our every weakness; take it to the Lord in prayer.

Are we weak and heavy laden, cumbered with a load of care?
Precious Savior, still our refuge, take it to the Lord in prayer.
Do your friends despise, forsake you? Take it to the Lord in prayer!
In His arms He’ll take and shield you; you will find a solace there.

Blessed Savior, Thou hast promised Thou wilt all our burdens bear
May we ever, Lord, be bringing all to Thee in earnest prayer.
Soon in glory bright unclouded there will be no need for prayer
Rapture, praise and endless worship will be our sweet portion there.”

So those things that are outstanding like my business, funding for school etc, are not so out of reach. And when I request prayers through the offering envelope, I believe that the intercessors are standing in agreement with my requests and laboring before the Lord.

Thank you God for the privilege!


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It’s all about me—not!

God is showing me that it’s not about me. Through an illustration about marriage God showed me that my spiritual life is not about me. He showed me that:

“Marriage is not about pleasing yourself. First and foremost it is about pleasing God. Secondly it is about pleasing the other person in the context of pleasing God. Thirdly it is often choosing to please the first two, without the possibility pleasing self.”

Ministry has to be similar to marriage in that we always must put God first for anything to work, then we must seek to serve other people, and then we must serve God and others, often over our own self interests and desires. That is what true service and true Love is toward others. But because our culture is so ingrained with only doing things for main purpose of personal pleasure and gain, we also approach our spiritual lives the same way.

Last Thursday I had an AWESOME day at work, had a lot of revelation and insight and was so much on fire for the Lord that I was getting to the point of being overwhelmed and overloaded. My intent was to stay home without going to Bible Study so that I could meditate and reflect on the Word after I sang praise songs. Then the Holy Spirit convicted me and I remember pastor and Bishop always saying that the only reason you may be at church sometimes is for someone else. Then I realized that someone might actually need the fire that I had within me, that God hadn’t ignited my flame and passion for my own self gratification, God ignited me so that I would be empowered to encourage those who did not have their own courage.

The whole point of assembling is to have the empowered stir up the powerless—so if those who already felt good and satisfied in the Lord just stayed home, only those who were downtrodden and distraught would be left in the church, and this is one of the reasons I believe the church today looks ragged and resembles the world because believers have forsaken the fellowship—it is in the fellowship of believers that we are empowered:

Hebrews 10:24-25 “And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds. Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching.”

This holds so true because I went and the spirit of heaviness clothed many that attended, and for those of us who were empowered, we came in agreement with the pastor as he prayed for those in need and it was an awesome example of standing in the gap and interceding for our brethren. Then we broke out in praise afterward, praising Him for someone else’s victory through it all. It was the awesome working together of the Lord.

Going to Bible study when I didn’t feel like it reminded me that it wasn’t about me and my own gain—so what if I don’t receive a revelatory message (I’m supposed to be in God’s face anyway), so what if there isn’t good music (I’m supposed to be praised up anyway), so what if I feel unfulfilled, so what? I am too old in the Lord to gage my level of participation in the church by my feelings, emotions, or even according to what I think I already know. Assembly is far beyond any of that.

If I go to church for no other reason, it is to support my brothers and sisters in Christ, offer encouragement, offer praise to those who cannot give it, offer thanksgiving for those who cannot see where to give thanks, to come in agreement in prayer, to stand in the gap, to empower, to spark—these are the reasons I should always go.

But again, our culture continually points us away from anything that does not bring personal pleasure and gain, anything that doesn’t address the “what’s-in-it-for-me” attitude. What God revealed to me a couple of weeks ago was that:

“Americans’ drive and culture is rooted in self-gratification. As a result selfish pursuit is the motivation behind everything—volunteering, love, and even spiritual pursuit. The do-whatever-makes-you-feel-good attitude and the do-things-only-because-they-make-you-feel-good attitude, results in fleeting pleasure and insatiable desire. This is the antithesis of serving others. Our lives are never our own. Everything we do should be with the goal of helping someone else—our jobs, the love we give, volunteering, and even spiritual pursuit. We should not pursue God for the purpose of our own spiritual enlightenment but to enlighten others.” 05.21.09

We should not pursue God selfishly but in the understanding that our personal relationship with God is totally not our own but for the sole purpose of spreading the Gospel, building the Kingdom, and unifying the body of Christ.

I thank God for this revelation and I wish more believers would have this revelation about their spiritual lives. How much more devoted would believers be in our walk with God if we realized that someone’s life and well-being depended on our faithfulness?

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Spiritual Fire

I have to admit life has been very good lately. Not complaining is still sometimes a daily battle. But when I harp on the things of God, the things He’s doing in my life and in the lives of others, the things that He’s saying and speaking to me daily, the things that He reveals, it is AWESOME. It gives me the much needed boost to conquer all that I must accomplish in the secular because I feel very accomplished in the spiritual world.

Barely two months ago I was writing the entry “Spiritual Unrest” where I was wrestling with submitting to God. Now just last Thursday I experienced a fire in my inner man that I have not felt since before I left San Diego. I experience daily revelation and insight. I am excited about going to church, reading the Word, prayer etc. And I even have a new desire I never had before—my heart is truly desiring to serve at my church. While I have always wanted to help people, I never had the overwhelming desire to do it directly through my church ministries. I even felt myself saddened by the possibility of moving away from my church.

It is the greatest feeling! It is so exhilarating! I remember when it happened the first time after a women’s conference I attended where I felt the burn of God like fire within me. Now it is happening again. I feel like I am literally coming to life again. I can literally fell the hand of God moving at the core of my inner man and it fills me with unspeakable joy and excitement even though I don’t always know exactly what God is doing. All I know is that He is transforming for the better.

One of my resolutions this year was for God to really transform my heart. As I learn more about His heart and who He is, I desire to be more like Him and ask Him for a heart as His. I become a much more gentler and more caring person over the last few months, and it has been a challenge, but it is truly all about realizing what hasn’t worked in the past, then turning it over to God to show me how to do things differently so that I may finally get different results.

As I’ve said in the past I don’t ever want to go back to a dry land, the valley of dry bones. I never want to be in a place of spiritual famine. It is a rough place to be. I’m not sure if it is God’s intent to go through spiritually dry seasons or not, but I know it is very frustrating and disheartening when I do go through those times.
In addition to unspeakable joy, God speaks to me, answers me, gives me insight and revelation that make my synapses constantly fire up, so much so that I get filled up with His Word then feel the need to dispatch it through writing, through speaking, through unloading on someone else.

I get discouraged though when I realize not everyone is ready to hear everything. Not everyone is excited about everything. And not everyone has the attention span even for the things of God. Something that has been marinating in me for hours, I unload in seconds and this doesn’t always go over too well. I have to learn to pace myself and not dump everything on everyone all the time. This is hard to do, particularly since I feel like if I go to God, I am telling Him what He already knows—after all, He’s the one that gave it to me.

So sometimes I feel alone in my walk with God because I feel like my walk is too intense for most people. So now I am reminded of the real reason I ever started writing in the first place. I guess that this only confirms the fact that I really need to start writing more and start writing books. Because at least with a book, you can put it down and come back to it if it is overwhelming. I just hope that I don’t lose my fervor because people aren’t getting excited like I do about so many things. I just have to translate my excitement into my writing.


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God - The Experience

A couple of weeks ago my girlfriend reminded me that:
“I am convinced that you cannot know God through reading about Him, knowing about Him, knowing others who know Him, hearing about Him or any third party method--you simply have to personally experience Him for yourself. Faith in just knowing of God is a good but it is an incomplete faith until you actually know Him for yourself.”

I was reminded that, in her sharing how God had transformed her life over the past 6 months since she started going to church, God can only be experienced to truly know God face to face.

Earlier this morning I remembered a dream that I had last night. The dream answered a question I asked after prayer on Monday when the pastor said one of the three things he wanted us to pray for is personal purity—and I asked God, what does purity really have to do with spirituality? So a man in my dream answered the question:
“If you only cleanse your spiritual vessel without cleaning your physical vessel you will always appear spiritually blotchy and blemished.”

I immediately thought of the quote about the church not having a wrinkle or spot when Jesus returned for it, so I looked up Ephesians 5:25-27: Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless.”

Through my dream and this scripture God had given me gentle correction about spirituality and purity going hand-in-hand. Never had I experienced such a gentle correction from God, even though I have fallen short many times in this area. I had known that God was slow to anger, that He was patient, kind, gentle, longsuffering, etc., but I had never really experienced that level of gentleness with God before, that level of Grace. I was in awe.

I was reminded of the same conclusion I came to in college: God is an Experience. Which basically means that I can witness and evangelize until I am blue in the face, and people may even show that they are convinced, but my witness and their convictions really have no lasting effect until someone is truly able to experience God for themselves, until the Word truly becomes flesh for them until they see God work and operate in their own lives—and I’ve been seeing a lot of God working on a very personal level in people’s lives. You cannot be convinced of the sovereignty of God until you see Him in action in your own life. So instead of solely praying for salvation Christians should pray for transformation by the individual, uniquely personal hand of God.

I am thoroughly convinced that I will serve no other gods but the Lord who is slow to anger, gentle, patient, and meets us on the deepest intimate level imaginable. Truly, who is like the Lord? Nobody, in all the Earth, no god comes close. No god knows me better. No god loves me more. If most people experienced this God, rather than the god they meet in Christians who lack love and the true grasp of the gospel, it would literally transform the world. Come taste world…come see…that He is good!



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The Great Awakening

I am very much a late bloomer in many ways. I’ve never really had the major teen rebellion stage (although I did have pre-teen episodes)—didn’t get tattooed, extra piercings, never had anything more than a wine cooler before I turned 21, didn’t date, didn’t party, pretty much my entire childhood was spent going to school, doing school work, and the occasional extracurricular activity—pretty much uneventful unimaginative (except in my writing), and non-explorational.

And even for the things I could attend—like a sports game, I ended up really only going to one basketball game. I am aware that my life experiences, trauma, and devastation, weren’t things the average kid had to deal with, but it’s strange how I never felt like a kid. It seems I lived out many of my woman years as a child and as I approach the prime of my life, I am living out the childhood years that I never had or really desired.

I can summarize myself this way: imagine a woman trapped inside of a child who desires to be a child but her world is far too traumatic and difficult to be carefree, careless, rebellious—there was never any time for all of that. The irony is that I will start attending seminary in the fall—what a “fine” time to begin exploring the possibilities of life and living—if anything most people would do the opposite, thinking they’re a man of the cloth now so turn up the conservative, uptight, ultra religious persona because I am supposed to carry myself a certain way, talk a certain way etc. Don’t get me wrong, I know I must maintain my character, purity, and standing with God, but I’ve met too many uptight religious folks who lack spirituality and who covet rigid religiosity.

It seems like the older I get the LESS conservative I become, because I am starting to live out my life, and I am exploring truly living out the gospel—and living out the gospel, what little I’ve learned about the TRUE gospel in the last few months is WAY radical, down-to-Earth, socially rebellious, and religiously rebellious than what exists in many churches today. So as I grow and learn and explore, the more I look less like the world and less like the traditional Christian—the more I look like me, a slab of clay that God is trying to mold into something beautiful to be used to help people and transform the world.

I’m breaking a lot of my own life-long rules—going out on a school/work night, going to bars, wall climbing, zip lining, trying different drinks, going to Catholic Mass, etc, etc. And I’m not saying I’m going to break all of my “rules” or try everything because I think rules and structure are good, and I surely know that it isn’t right to try EVERYTHING under the sun. I am saying I am more open than ever to a lot of ideas and approaches at my age, which I think is actually pretty good timing for seminary because I need to have an openness to God, I need to be in a place where I can converse with people on their level and where they are instead of from my pedestal and my judgment.

So at 26 I am having my spiritual awakening, my womanhood awakening, my cultural awakening, myself awakening—everything is being awakened and stirred within me. Just as I wrote that last sentence I began chuckling to myself about my November 14th entry entitled “In Repair Part 2” when I described my “clarion call” from a train horn blaring at 3:16 a.m. I realized that God was awakening many things within me and within my relationship. WOW!

Less than a year later so many things have changed. So much has been reawakened within. It was literally like when Ezekiel spoke to valley of dry bones(Ezekiel 37:1-14)—I was in the valley and I was a set of the bones! The Word of God imparted breath into me to live again—He attached flesh to my dry bones and covered me with tendons and skin. He is building up the army, He is breathing hope into me again, He has put His Spirit in you to LIVE, He has opened my grave and is bring me back to Israel—how AWESOME is that?!! (I am refraining from running around in circles!) When you realize how much God is working in your life, what an AWESOME work He is doing within you, realizing that you are a work in progress that He is seeking to finish. WOW. It is so amazing.

And on top of that God is giving me “ a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh” (Ezekiel 36:26). Again, God is fixing me, making me new.

Why me? Why such an awesome work within me? What is this all leading too? I know one of the things it is leading to is teaching—today I realized and decided that I want to be a teacher when I “grow up.” LOL. I want to teach:

1. The Word of God
2. Healing and wholeness of the heart, mind, body, soul, spirit—whole being
3. Holistic Ministry, Outreach
4. Financial Stewardship & Credit
5. Cultural Preservation
6. The Arts & Ministry
7. Cultural Pride & Awareness
8. Entrepreneurship

Etc, etc!!! I really enjoy sharing my revelation, insight, knowledge, growth etc with other people who want to listen, who are open (and even the ones who don’t—it’s the take it or leave it attitude!).

I know I may come off as ultra cheesy, ingenuine, and trying WAY too hard, but for anyone who truly knows me, they would know how excited I get about revelation, healing, people’s lives being changed, my own life being transformed. I just want to see people free, not living in bondage any longer, living a life of joy despite the pain. I know that I’m not just being idealistic, I know it’s possible because I am a living example of what God can do. I just don’t think people really invest the time to be healed or help others overcome their brokenness.



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From Victim...to Victor

Today I realized how much my whole perspective on life has changed solely from two Facebook questions I answered today in a survey (and mind you I normally don't even do these surveys but my friend's answers inspired me to complete it).

Q:If you could go back and change one thing you did, what would it be?
A:Although somethings I regret, I don't think I would change anything. I have learned from my mistakes.


Q:If you could go back and change one thing someone else did, what would it be?
A:While I could say the glaring obvious, I'm not sure if I'd even change that much, as crazy as that sounds. I don't think I'd be the person that I am today. I'd probably just be a shell of a person without everything I've been through.

Any other time I've seen these questions I would always think of minor things and major things I'd change in my life if I could. What was different about today was that I thought about the most heinous thing that has happened to me——my abuse. Then I asked myself, would I change that? Now for most people they would answer with a resounding YES! But for me today was different. Today I was bold enough (and perhaps crazy and radical enough) to say no, even that I wouldn't change. Right then, I realized that my entire perspective on life has officially changed for the best.



Embracing the Past
The process started months ago back in September (and later February) when I recognized the importance of embracing my past not as a Victim of life but as a Victor in life, including all the past hurt, pain, tragedy, trauma, disappointment etc. "Embracing" means realizing that all of the pain and suffering, though awful, has played a vital part in shaping the very best parts of who you are, and that without those painful things, you would not be the same person that you are today. Even in embracing your own mistakes, you again would not be the same person you are today without those mistakes. Of course all of us could sit down and dissect our lives and want to extract the unappealing parts, but in the dissection we'd also be removing the vital appealing parts that have formed around the pain and the tragedy.



A Life of Inspiration
Furthermore even if you don't think that any good came from it as far as shaping you positively, you still must realize that some things you go through can be for empowering others who are currently going through the same things. You can empower and guide them because you've already been there and know how to get through it, out to the other side. You essentially become a Victor to empower someone else to become victorious. And likewise you will encounter Victors in areas of your life you have yet to conquer who will help you through your situations.



Freedom and Victory in the Past, Present, and Future
Lastly choosing the victor perspective relieves you from the bondage and burden of your past. You are no longer a product of your past, but you are a byproduct from your past——meaning that your past is not who you are, but who you are is a direct result of the experiences from your past. You have victory over both your past and your future——because your past does not rule you. And your future——no matter what obstacles may arise——is a battle already won. The battle is already won because your approach in life is not the defeatist attitude of a victim, but the attitude of a champ who recognizes pain is not without reason and purpose. And that what was meant for evil can eventually turned around for good, even if that good is to only gain perspective on the bigger picture. Being a Victor means freedom.



Brokenness = Struggle
And even after I have said all of this and your pain still resonates with you, just always remember this much (something my friend inspired me to say):

"We live in a broken world,
we are broken people,
and we have to live our lives in the context of others who are broken,
which makes for a very messy situation,
that only God can redeem."

A few weeks ago I had an argument with TBW and in the midst of it told God "I don't want a half of a person, I want a WHOLE person!" God immediately gently rebuked me and reminded me that I myself wasn't a "whole" person, that I was still in the process of becoming "whole," and that I would never fully be "whole" in ALL areas of my life until my death. So the expectation that I would marry a "whole" person, even if it was not TBW, was completely unrealistic. Loving others (which includes forgiving others who have caused havoc in your life) is not by any means easier, and is further complicated by our brokenness. As soon as we realize that much of our life struggle is the direct result of brokenness, the easier it will be to live, to love others, to forgive others, to forgive yourself, to let go of the past, etc., all because you realize the inevitable contributing factor in life's woes: that we are all broken and in need of repair.



Maintaining Perspective, Changing Attitude
So when you look at the pain of your life and question "What good can come of this?"
--meditate on the qualities that have come from the pain,
--meditate on those you have inspired as a result of the pain (and if you haven't inspired anyone yet, work on doing so, but you first have to get to a place where you realize your life is inspirational),
--meditate on the freedom that comes with choosing Victor over Victim,
--meditate on the fact that we are all broken people looking for repair.

What it boils down to is a change of attitude and perspective. If we start viewing life as a grand plan instead of a series of disappointments life will have more purpose and meaning, and our disappointments will be minor against the bigger picture. And while you cannot always change the situation, if you change your perspective, it will influence the way in which you approach the situation, resulting in a different outcome. Choose to see life as a victory and you will be victorious.

What do we define as beauty?

I was sympathetic when I first saw Susan Boyle from Britain's Got Talent, a show similiar to American Idol that also features Simon on the judges panel. My co-worker had already prepared me for the way that she looked and of course over exaggerated about how unattractive she was. So when I finally saw her I didn't think she was as "hideous" as everyone else saw her. And when I saw the clip again I realized that she wasn't a spectacular singer but was seen as such because her physical appearance was socially unacceptable.

Then my sympathy transformed into anger because now I was outraged because the only reason she even made it to the spot light was because her physical appearance did not meet invisible social standards in which we are all clearly judged. I realized just how disturbing it is that our society immediately dismisses someone because they don't fit invisible unrealistic standards of beauty.

A few days after Susan Boyle made international appeal (which I think by the way was planned with putting her on the show in the first place), I came across a message about beauty by Carolyn Mahaney. Carolyn Mahaney opened up her speech by pointing out how much celebrities spent to maintain their beauty including Jennifer Aniston who spends at least $20,000 a month on beauty between a personal chef, spa treatments etc.

What's even more sickening is that many media outlets spend time airbrushing celebrities and models to the point of "perfection" and even swaping body parts. So today we are not only limited by our incomes to try to be beautiful like models and celebrities, but even if we did have the money and resources to become like them, we'd ultimately try to attain the unattainable since graphic designers have not yet figured out how to make airbrushing work in real life.

Jean Kilborn author of "Can’t Buy My Love: How Advertising Changes the Way We Think and Feel," said in an NPR interview that “the image of beautiful today has only become more tyrannical and more perfect than ever before...[the major reason for this is the] advent of computer retouching."

Mahoney elaborates: "it’s more than retouching, it’s a digital altering of the image so that they can now take a model and make a composite woman. The pressure on girls which has always existed for a long time, is now worse than ever because the ideal image now is so completely inhumanly impossible to achieve.” So in essence we are not striving to be like real people, only composites of people.

What good does obessesing over our beauty actually do for us? Are we looking for the euphoria that we see in commericials and advertisements where the women and men look so joyous that they spent ____ amount of money on their clothes? Used a certain product for their hair?

What is interesting is that Halle Berry even realizes beauty is superficial and meaningless when looking at the whole picture. "...Being thought of as a beautiful woman has spared me nothing in life. No heartache, no trouble, love has been difficult. Beauty is essentially meaningless and it is always transitory." Obsession over beauty is vanity.

Proverbs 31:30 says "Charm is deceitful and beauty is vain, But a woman who fears the LORD, she shall be praised." Mahoney points out that the Hebrew word "vain" literally a breath or puff of air. Mahoney suggests that this does not mean that we shouldn't spend time on taking care of ourselves because our bodies are the temple of God (1 Corinthians 6:19-20).

She suggests instead focusing on trusting God, having a quiet spirit, submission, putting your hands to the work of the Lord, adorning yourself with works, versus costly apparel--this is what true beauty is defined as.

Also, we have to look to where beauty originates from. Genesis 1:26-27 talks about how we were created in the image of God. So then is God ugly when someone does not meet social beauty standards? Of course not. God doesn't pick and choose some to be beautiful according to our standards. How beautiful are we in comparison to God's standards? How beautiful are we in our hearts? (1 Samuel 16:7). If we are ruled by Earthly standards we will always fall short no matter how hard we try, not just to be beautiful, successful, social--we would fall short in any facet of our lives with social and worldly standards. Who are we to judge standards set by people?

Susan Boyle is no different from the next person, she too was created in the image of God. Who are we to say and think differently? Who are we to criticize? Who are we to "sympathize" with the fact that she doesn't meet our standards? What is really in our own hearts? The saying goes that we only despise and hate others when they have elements that we hate within our own selves. Do we sympathize with Susan Boyle because of the beauty that we lack? Because of our own insecurities of not meeting someone else's standards?

We should not only be mindful of the standard of beauty we set others to, but also the standard of beauty in which we hold ourselves.

The Restoration of MKB

My whole life I never once truly believed in the statement "The Best is Yet to Come." After all, how can anything good come from all of the pain, tragedy, disappointment, frustration, and misfortunes? What good can come from evil? If God is truly the maker of joy, if He is the finisher, why does He allow such a horrible beginning sometimes? I still do not completely understand why we are sent through the fire sometimes, I know it is for refining and to extract the impurities; I know that you don't just go through things for the sake of going through--and 9 times out of 10 you are only going through because you are called to help someone else who is struggling. I think many people's lives won't really make any sense at all until God draws back the curtain so that we can see the entire picture. This is why I had such a hard time believing that the best is yet to come.

Today is the day that I realized and received the fact that it truly only gets better and better with time. I realize that every day will not be spectacular and will not always go according to plan, will not always seem productive, will not always seem beautiful to my standards, but is still another day, still better than my past, still better than the last because I am learning and growing, becoming humbled, learning to walk in love, to serve in love, to radiate love, to grow closer to God, to operate totally and completely in him.

Another reason that I was not able to believe this was because I had put all of my faith and trust in myself to make me happy by my own decisions and choices in my own life. It wasn't until I stopped pursuing my own everything and started pursing God's Will that I realized I could only make myself so happy with my limited perspective of my own life, with my limited wisdom and insight, with my opinions, wants, emotions, and desires that flip with the blowing of the wind--only God's stable, unchanging, insightful, well thought-out and planned life for me is the only guarantee I have in my lifetime to experience true joy, peace, and fulfillment.

I have giving up all hope of making my own life better--even in my best efforts mine cannot compete with God's effort (which is effortless!). I can never make up for the pain and the tragedy. I can never make up for the loss. All of my efforts would be in vain and I would wind up feeling incomplete.

Even in my efforts to make sure I put my gifts and talents to good use, those come up short. Earlier today I complained about God waking me up at all hours giving me extensive business ideas--but what I realized with the idea that He gave me this morning, the idea is a compilation of many of the major things that I love the most. And also those very things that I say I hate now, God reminds me how much I loved them at one point, and He restores the joy and the beauty of my hunger.

So begins the restoration process. While He has healed me, He is working on making me WHOLE. You can experience being healed of brokenness, God can very well put you back together again so that you are fully functioning again, however that does not remove the cracks and the scars that are left behind from the broken pieces. God has to then go over you again, this time smoothing out the rough edges, mending the cracks, truly restoring you to your pre-brokenness.

The dictionary's definition of restoration is "bringing back to a former position or condition." The Bible's use of the Greek words mean "to set in order", " to give back" and "to mend, to furnish completely." WOW. Just think of when people restore their antiques, or museums restore artwork, or ancient ruins--it is all so that we can see what it was originally created to be, to view the creator's intent, to view the creator's beauty. WOW.

One of my favorite songs by Donald Lawrence is "Healed":

...Had some sunshine, some rain,
Heartache and some pain,
I'm healed, Oh I'm Healed!

My God has touched me, delivered,
He set my soul free!
My heart is mended, I'm whole again,
No chains are holding me!
Got my liberty I am Healed!
I am Healed, I'm Healed Today!

In "Healed" he does mention "may have some scars, I'm still healed," which I had already decided when I began this journey that I did not want any scars. I wanted to be healed to the point that you could not tell I had gone through the fire--I always wanted to be a physical testimony of what God could do. Ironically this song is at the very beginning of the CD. Towards the end of the CD there is another song "Restoring the Years." This is the song that I immediately thought of today--before today I didn't fully believe that it was possible. That life could truly be better. Not until I realized that God really does have my best interest in mind and that He has laid out a plan that is so awesome that I could not even fathom it:

Lend me your ears thus said the Lord
And know that my word, will not return void
Your time I sustained, there's no need to fear,
I'm restoring the years you've sown in tears
Restoring the years you've sown in tears

I am the Author, writer of time
No matter how long, things will work out just fine
Deposit this word, there's no need to fear
I'm restoring the years you've sown in tears
Restoring, the year's you've sown in tears.

Lift up you hands, receive from the Lord
Your broken spirit, receive from the Lord
Deposit this word, there's no need to fear
I'm restoring the years you've sown in tears
Restoring, the year's you've sown in tears.

I'm Healing you,
(Everything that you've been through God said I'm healing you)
I'm Healing you,
(Every broken place, every wounded space the Lord says I'm healing you...)
I'm Healing you (Repeat)

I'm restoring the years you've sown in tears
Restoring, the year's you've sown in tears.

The song truly says it all for me. I've been "tried in the fire and I'm coming out gold." The way that the world is, the way that we are was never God's original desire for our lives--God wants so much more for us, even more than we could ever want for our own selves. I want to be what God intended for me to be. I want to begin to see the world as God's original design--in all of its beauty, glory, and awe.



Donald Lawrence "The Best is Yet to Come"

Hold on, my brother,
Don't give up
Hold on, my sister,
Just look up
There is a master plan
In store for you
If you just make it through

God's gonna really
Blow your mind
He's gonna make it
Worth your time
for all of the trouble
You've been through
The blessings doubled
Just for you

The best is yet to come

Today is the first day
Of the best days of
Your life

You ain't seen nothing yet


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pic http://www.oldworldinc.com/services/