A Time to Weep

The more and more that I think about it the more that I realize more than ever that walking away was the best thing for both of us. We thought that we knew what we wanted. But now that I am thinking long and hard I realize that we were both severely selling ourselves short. He was right—I needed to expect and demand more for me—but I found that so difficult because I knew that it was God who put us together in the first place, and I still believe that God was right and that He wants us to be together—just not now.

And maybe it was a part of His plan in the first place anyway—to have us totally mess it all up so the real individual problems and be addressed and resolved—all of the problems that not only hindered our relationship together, but also those things that hindered our relationship with God. And even if it ends up not being it, if I heard wrong, then it will still be time well spent despite the fact that I always said I never believed in dating just to date. I believe that there should be an actual long term purpose and goal, because otherwise I could do a whole lot of better things than honestly dealing with more drama in my life. I have always been the one to avoid drama at all costs since I have enough of it constantly around me from other people. But at a distance I realize that there are many things that are not in place for me to want to settle down with anyone. Regardless of what I believe is right I have to move on which is the hardest thing to do.

First off I have to master the trade of taking care of myself and my solo household before venturing into building a family. Now I realize more than ever that I do want to build a family, and I think a lot of my steam and drive to do the other things in my life has diminished because I have conveniently overlooked and down played this desire.

It is really hard being a female, especially in this day and age—we are offered a whole plethora of opportunities our mothers couldn’t have imagined at our ages yet there is still the maternal desire that builds. There is still the ongoing societal grooming that occurs from many girls dreaming their whole lives of marriage and building a family. It is so lopsided because while the society prepares the women to build families, but how are men being nurtured to be the head of the household and a marriage?—and no I’m not talking about the old school belief that the husband basically makes the woman her slave, but I am talking about true leadership and being the fortress of the family. There are so many wives yet no husbands and there are so many women and men who are just that—women and men who marry and never become wives or husbands.

But even the maternal desire is mislead and misplaced because so many women jump into marriage and it isn’t the fairytale and bliss that they always imagined—in fact it is absolutely nothing like they imagined and it gets old fairly quickly. So where does that leave you—the career and life opportunities are great but unfulfilling, marriage and motherhood can be great yet still unfulfilling, so it always comes back to one thing—spirituality, your heart, the way that you are living and why you are even living, why you have been selected to occupy time and space for a period of time and then leave. A change in career won’t fulfill. A change of relationship won’t fulfill. All of it is temporary and subject to change at any moment—then what are you left with? What do you really have to stand on? I find myself standing on the foundation made of rock and not sand. I find myself standing on that which never changes with the direction of the wind. God is the only completely sane one in all of this. Plus He knows the real deal and what’s going on behind the scenes.

“There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under heaven:

a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,

a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,

a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,

a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain,

a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,

a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,

a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.” (Ecclesiastes 3:1-8)

There is a purpose to every season of our lives. And this is another season for me. This too shall pass.

PS—thank you for everyone who has been so supportive through this season—I really appreciate it a lot. Most of you have been “there and done that” and respect the fact that this is a new place for me. I love you all!!!