Ready for Assignment

Today, Tuesday, June 24, 2008, I have decided that I am too old and too lost and too weary to try to find something to do with my life. I always end up in the same place. While many things seem appealing—a higher salary, world travel, moving, getting higher in the ranks—all of it is vanity (Ecclesiastes 1) and does not last and amounts to nothing of lasting worth and value.

This is not a new concept for me though, because back in September I felt no desire to climb the corporate ranks anymore, at least not to the point where I was once willing to sacrifice my life for it. I look at one of our VPs and while I admire her deeply, I would never in a million years want to be her—she lives in a beautiful home, drives a beautiful car, and enjoys the ultra finer things in life, but she never started a family of her own and I wonder what percent of her is actually content with devoting her entire life to the company. I was on my way to becoming her had I not gotten up one day and realized that while I do want to have a successful career, I do want to start a family, I would still be on the road to unhappiness. There is so much more than just a career, a living, a job.

I have fought it for the last 7 years, I have fought the desire to know what I am really called to do, what my purpose is while I am here on Earth. I thought I knew what I wanted but I changed my mind. I was so afraid of hearing what my assignment was, I thought that I wouldn’t have time for everything else I desired to do. And while I don’t regret the experiences I’ve had the past few years, I do regret not at least finding out what it is I am supposed to be doing. I have inkling but I know that all that I have is not even the tip of the ice berg.

I want to do something that fosters change in society and in this world. I want to inspire, heal, teach, and educate. I want to compel people to look at the state of their hearts and start to take part in making the change they want to see. I want to love what I do and I want it to have a purpose and a goal at the end of the day.

It’s almost been a year since September—I notice that sometimes it takes me that long for a revelation to fully sink in, for me to fully understand and accept it. I have officially given up doing it my way.

I have always expected my assignment to be crazy, far fetched, and perhaps something that doesn’t even appeal to me, but I now know that no matter what it is, it has to be far more exciting and fulfilling than my current life is. If most of us admitted it, except for a few high moments, our lives are mundane when we are living it for ourselves. Only when we live it for God does it start to get really interesting. After all God doesn’t live and operate on human standards, but super natural ones. I am curious to see what God has in store for me.