I think I now understand my clarion call on November 7, 2008 at 3:16 am. I woke up at exactly that time to a blaring train horn, that sounded more like a clarion horn. I researched it that morning as to what it meant in Biblical times—it was literally associated with the calling of a holy assembly, a warning of danger, or the arrival of a king. It also said God is trying to get your attention, trying to make something “brilliantly clear”. It can also be a wake up call. It is a wake up call in many ways—in my relationships and for me personally. Part of the call was also to awaken spiritually. Another aspect of the wake up call is realizing and accepting what effect abuse has had on my life. What I realized last night from watching the Trans Siberian movie was that the wife in the story was clearly a victim of abuse. She admitted to wandering, running in life, never really being able to settle down until she got married and still having the itch to move, despite how loving her husband was to her. Her abuse came through in her alcoholism, the delay in wanting to have children, her inability to be intimate by choosing not to disclose things to her husband for a fear of rejection, and finally with the obvious act of killing the man when he became aggressive toward her—you could see it in her eyes that it triggered something conflicted, hideous, and abused within her and it came out in a rage.
I told TBW last night that being in this relationship has made me more aware of what an abused person really looks like. And in order to be able to truly see that, I had to first forgive myself. And when I did, I wasn’t afraid to look at myself in the mirror any more because I was finally able to accept that what happened was not my fault and that I didn’t have any reason to blame myself. Now I am able to look at myself without being judgmental toward myself. I can look at what I am today as a result of the abuse. And now I can look at who I need to become to no longer be a victim.
The revelation that I had at the end of September about going from being a victim to living as though I was never a victim, now makes even more sense to me. I can now stop hiding in the shadows of shame. I knew the day would come where I would share my story with the world, but I didn’t know it would be so soon. Part of being de-victimized is living without shame. The world tells you the hide because the world wants to ignore the problem because it is something so ugly. I don’t want to hide any more. I do not want to be hidden. I want to be fierce and fearless. I am not controlled by the fear of events that were out of my control. I am driven by the faith and the value that I have.
I have realized that one of two things happen:
“1. We spend our lives blaming ourselves, others, or God for everything negative in our lives—so we become living victims throughout life.
2. We spend our lives getting past the negatives and living our lives as though we never were victims.”
What I realized in September:
“Up until yesterday I was number one, like the vast majority of society. I was living as a victim. I blamed myself and God for anything, for everything. I have had a very hard time forgiving myself although I have been a lot better at forgiving others. But my victim lifestyle was in total conflict with my truth—that I believe that no matter what happens I believe that God can and will turn it around. How can two walk together unless they agree? I was not in agreement with myself.
“So if I am no longer a victim, I have to replace fear with faith. If I live my life without blame and I live my life without fear I become virtually unstoppable since fear doesn't stop me and unforgiveness does not block me. Moving from being a victim to living as though I was never a victim is very empowering…When we eliminate the element of fear in our lives there is no limit to what we can do--we can live fearless and fierce.” 9/29/08 http://abroadinphilly.blogspot.com/2008/09/not-being-victim-any-more-fiece.html
This is a life changing revelation. I feel like as a result of this revelation I am able to begin detoxicating myself from all of the residue that abuse leaves behind. I am able to start filtering out what is truly me, Marquita, and what is distinctly the abuse. I am able to filter out the me that is the victim, versus the me that has translated the victim status into power and triumph. Remaining the victim, living in shame, never acknowledging the effects of abuse, that is what keeps you bound and full of toxins, and rendered useless.
God is truly doing an amazing work in me. Despite not knowing what my next move is in terms of my career and relationships, I do know that He has a plan for me and that I am in a very good place right now. I know that in the detoxing a lot of ugly is going to come out, but as a result of it my beauty will also be known to the world. Those things that make me innately me will be known to the world as well as myself. In all of this I am learning who I truly am underneath all of the gunk and turmoil. I am really going to learn who the woman behind the mask really is. I am going to cease to exist in two realities anymore—my world and the real world—I will only exist in one. And under it all I will be able to find the confident woman that I know that I am and forever brandish that shamed girl and leave her behind in the shadows of the past, only there to remind me of who she was so that I can know who I am and whose I am.
Bishop at one point told me that God is looking for me. God is looking for the woman in hiding. She also said that when my husband comes that he will not be interested in that little girl, but the woman. I think that’s what growing up truly is. There reason why we never grow up is because we never settle the abused child in us—whatever way we were abused or neglected. Until that child is put to rest we can never fully function as adults. Until we address all of those past issues, face them, and release them, they we forever plague our lives.
For the last seven months or so I have been feeling a great disconnect in whether or not I was making progress as an individual, and now when I look back at my entry on 5/21/08, when I stated that I was “in repair” because “I have a lot of things that need to be repaired in my life--mentally, physically, spiritually, emotionally...” What I was saying in hind sight is that God was repairing me supernaturally. God has put me in His own repair shop and laid me out on the operating table and He is the one who has began to remove the toxins, who has began to better me, who has began to complete the healing process. If He healed everything all at once, just like in real life if you operate on a person everywhere all at once, it can send the person into a state of shock in which they will become comatose the rest of their lives with little or no recovery, or die and be lost forever. This stretch of the healing process began back in 2001 and when I look back at myself then, I totally different than I am now. And seven years later when I look at the me that I am today, I will be totally different then.
I know I still have much to learn and accomplish in the coming years but I know that "I'm in repair, I'm not together but I'm getting there." (John Mayer, Continuum)
Photo: flickr.com/photos/99178204@N00/387188716/
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