Being the smart a** that I am most of the time, I have realized that I was wrong about a lot of things in regards to relationships and marriage. Here are some of the things that I have realized so far, the world according to my 27-year glimpse of it. (I should really re-name this post "the world according to me" since that's what this really is)
1. You have to marry your best friend.
I always thought this was simply cliche, but it couldn't be closer to the truth. I figured that this is why you get girlfriends/guy friends. But the reality is you can't share everything with them, especially in regards to your marriage. At the end of the day the only neutral party that you can share your relationship with is God. The second best source is your spouse. Besides, why wouldn't you want to be the best of buds with your spouse? It will be the person you will be spending the most time with for the rest of your life. They will see all and know all (at least they should, but even this opinion is subject to change until I am actually married). When the romance fades what will be left if not friendship?
2. You should get counseling when you have problems (pre-marital or not). Period.
I wasn't really against getting counseling for relationship issues before, but I was definitely not sold on have pre pre-marital counseling––counseling solely committed to improving communication, conflict resolution etc. Why not get counseling to help improve your relationship, particularly if it is someone that you view as a potential spouse? Before I thought you could totally use overkill with this, but now I am convinced that you can't. No matter if it is individual and/or couples counseling, I am majorly convinced you can't go wrong (unless you get a whack job for a therapist, but that's another story). If you think a relationship is worth going to the next level, why not invest into making it that best that it can possibly be?
3. Divorce IS always an option.
You probably think I am completely nuts for saying this, especially since I am supposedly godly and all, but what I realized from my own situation, that they way things stood in my relationship, I was willing to get a divorce if things really went south. I shocked myself because after seeing and experiencing the awfulness of the my parents divorce I wanted to make sure it all worked out. I still don't really believe in divorce because I feel that you should choose your spouse wisely and really remain committed to your spouse, however I also believe that you are also entitled to make a mistake. If you truly cannot make it work and you've tried everything under-the-sun including God and godly counsel, I am not going to knock anyone for the effort if they got married for legitimate reasons in the first place. Divorce, whether you believe in it or not, will always be an option. You should be worried though when you have made it an option even before you're married. If you are already seeking to jump ship before you have tied the knot, then you probably shouldn't marry that person. While divorce is always an option, it should never be before you get married, and especially when you say your vows. Divorce is the always the absolute last resort.
4. You Must Strive for Happily Married.
I know this seems like the obvious, but apparently everyone doesn't strive for this, particularly if their parents aren't/weren't. I thought this is was a given. But what I realized from my last pre-marital session of counseling, everyone doesn't strive for happiness in marriage. People who do not believe in divorce will not necessarily strive to be happy. If divorce is not an option and being married is a sure thing, why not strive for happiness? I thought that made sense, until I almost married someone who didn't believe that. He was perfectly content with being married (like his parents) regardless on if it was a good marriage or not. Of course you are not always going to be happy in your marriage, but if it is not even something you strive for then what is the point? This helped me reached my #3 conclusion.
5. Engagement is NOT a Means to Marriage but a Testing of Marriage.
As I said in my previous post, someone told me that engagement––wedding and marriage planning––is a pressure cooker. So all of those little things will be magnified to the nth degree. I didn't understand before how people could break their engagement, especially when they seemed so committed, but now I realize that people come to terms that play-time is over and that the real work begins in marriage. All of those things they have evaded in their lives will be put out on front street, because although you can hide from yourself, you can only hide from someone else before your true self comes to the forefront. However if the couple is too enthralled with planning a wedding and not preparing for the actual marriage, than the engagement may not end up being a test of marriage at all if the wedding planning is a walk in the park. Engagement is the last chance you have to call it quits if you still have serious legitimate doubts. Otherwise you will have the legal, emotional, psychological, etc turmoil of trying to call it quits in divorce. Totally not worth the hassle.
6. Your Life-long Partner Must Have Experience Walking in Your Shoes.
I used to think that you didn't have to share similar experiences with your spouse to make things work, but now I beg to differ. And maybe I feel the way that I do because of everything I have been through, just call it perspective. I am not saying that someone has to have your exact upbringing, home life, tragedies, etc, but someone who has gone through fire too, if that's what you've been through. Life's traumas have a unique way of shaping our character and perspective. If you had it good your entire life, you are going to have a very different view of the world than someone who is an orphan. Sure, on the surface you both may be optimistic about life in general, but that optimism is driven by two different things. The only exception to this is when you have someone who sincerely can empathize with other people. Even if you have never been in that person's shoes, you aren't quick to cast judgment based on your lack of perspective. I know that at the end of the day no matter how much empathy someone has, they will still never know how someone else feels unless it is divinely inspired. But it is still a whole lot better than having someone who is never been through anything judge you based on their limited point of view. Your spouse should also have a reservoir of patience with you regarding you healing from these experiences, otherwise you may receive a constant urge to "get over it."
These are definitely only some of the things I have realized but I hope to share more as I reflect on my life and relationships.
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pic: http://kccachola.wordpress.com/2008/09/
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