Abroad in Philly

Divorcing Human Beings

2011-12-23T01:01:00.006-05:00

I know I am too young to be tired of people already, but I admittedly am, at least in this season of my life. Why? Because I feel as though no matter how good of a friend I am to someone—no matter how I manage to look past someone’s quirks, flaws, and just plain craziness, I am still accused of being judgmental, intolerant, and not much of a friend at all. It seems that the focus is instead on what I am not doing for that person at that very moment in time versus what I have done for them. Whatever mistakes and “mistakes” (not actual mistakes but what they perceive to be a mistake in their own delusional world) I make supersede any of my positive efforts and qualities. It is the classic case of the few negative things outshining the positive things. Frankly, I’m tired of it and if it means dropping relationships, with anyone and everyone, then so be it. I can’t stand to be judged by someone who I have tried so hard not to judge. As soon as they raise their flag of judgment, I am more than willing to hold up a mirror of truth to that person just in case they have forgotten who they really are. What was that again—let those who are without sin cast the first stone?

I am also tired of people always looking out for their own interests and putting themselves first all the time. I am sick of people trying to guilt-trip me into doing something which obviously only benefits them. Where do I come into the equation? Isn’t any relationship supposed to be a two-way street? People are always ready to take but never willing to give and support. I think one of the most important lessons I have learned in the last six months is the degree of selfishness people have and how much it hinders relationships and our society as a whole. The changes we want to see in the world begin with us, but if we are too busy preserving our own lives we will never help transform the lives of others. And YES I admit that I am part of the problem, but how many others do? How many others actually see it? Why are we so incredibly selfish? I can’t speak for other societies but I can speak for our individualistically-driven lifestyles that we have here in the states with little regard as to how what we do in our lives effects someone else on the other side of the world, let alone our neighbor. (If all of this is uber confusing, I think I said everything better in an older post here).

I am almost ready to divorce relationships altogether. It seems as I get older and as I get busier with all of obligations in my life, I realize all of the wasted energy that goes into trying to convince people that I am not who they think I am and also trying to convince people that relationships should be selfless on both sides. I am losing my patience for dealing with the nonsense. It is draining and fruitless. I guess I have chosen the wrong vocation. I guess that’s why people become hermits. Don’t be surprise if I disappear and you find me in the wilderness of China or in an Egyptian desert.

I will end with something I said at the end of a journal entry back in August (and I think it was also a Facebook status):

I’m convinced that at the end of the day, even the most self-less people with the best intentions are too absorbed in sorting out and understanding their own lives to really devote quality undivided time to others. The weight of your own life is often an overwhelming burden in and of itself.

pic gingermonkeydesign.com

Upgrade in Progress

2011-11-16T22:21:00.007-05:00

More than ever I desire someone who is my equal, or at least pretty darn close to it. I don’t know why there is such an urgency now to have that. I guess because I feel that I am on the brink of something bigger and better in my life, and I just want someone to share that with.

-I want someone who isn’t content with the same-ole, same-ole, and a dry conventional life—I want someone who is as curious about the world and life as I am, someone who recognizes the importance of building knowledge and experience outside of the realm of a conventional 9-5 and their own deep isolated personal meditation. Knowledge gained solely in those places without exploring the world around you is not knowledge at all but piety and ignorance.

-Someone who is not closed off to everything and everyone.

-Someone who doesn’t complain about how much they hate their life but are striving to change things.

-Someone who recognizes my gifts and their own.

-Someone who has a lot on their plate but knows when and how to be supportive to my obligations.

-Someone who will pour into me as much or more than I pour into them.

-Someone who is constantly molded and shaped by God and by their experiences in the world around them but has a solid core of beliefs and experiences the ground them.

-Someone who is called, knows that they are called, and actually moves toward that.

I know that I’m a whole lotta woman with a whole lotta calling on her life but I am not being impossible or unrealistic. My list of “wants and needs” has been greatly shortened but my standards are no less. I want the best for me and for the person I am with. Iron sharpens iron. Period. I don’t want copper, silver, steel, gold, fools gold, or any counterfeit. I want iron.

I am not coming from a place of arrogance or high stature—I am just being realistic with myself and with others. I have to face the fact that I’m not “most people.” I don’t think like “most people” and I have never wanted to live or be like “most people” (okay I have dreamed about being like everyone else for the sake of being “normal”). I don’t follow the standard. I don’t settle. I push. I prod. I argue. I push more. I am tired of trying to live a normal life. I am not that person. I am not normal and I need someone who isn’t normal either.

Although I despise everything that Beyonce stands for (materialism etc), this song has a basic message that I can relate to—you stand on your own two feet with the support of God and anyone else should enhance your life and help you be a better you.

And Neyo's song is also something that I keep on repeat.

"What Dreams May Come..."

2011-10-29T00:09:00.012-04:00

Instead of lamenting over my Hebrew homework right now or doing any of the 57,000 things that are on my t0-d0 list, I am blogging for the first time in almost a year. I have spent the last few days pouring over my Facebook download--a spectrum of my life and all things Facebook dating back to September 2006. Why? Because it's available and Facebook is what you do to avoid real life!

Besides that since August I have been evaluating everything in my life currently and over the course of my life. You would think that I am graduating in May (which I was originally slated to do) but I don't graduate for another year-and-a-half. Unlike undergrad, I am not trying to merely skip to the end of school and think about what happens after that. Being the planner that I am and because I no longer have the safety net of moving back home after school, I have opted to not just sit back and let life happen to me. I want to be proactive and intentional. After all this is the beginning of the rest of my life right?

One thing I have concluded during all of this reflection is that I must continue to be a dreamer although it seems many of those around me have given up their dreams to succumb to the woes of working, marriage, and other distractions and realities. That's not to say that everyone who has done those things have "settled," but some, when they have reached that point, their desires dim--or they have fulfilled all of their biggest desires and all that's left for them is another step before they are settled into the rest of their lives.

But that's not me. It's never been me, and I pray that it never will be. There is nothing wrong with people who are like that and if anything I wish my life were as simple as that but it is not. I am a dreamer filled with many dreams and desires and gifts and talents and my life and my calling is everything but ordinary and does not fit into a cardboard box. There are so many things that I want to do that I cannot even articulate or comprehend.

This is why I felt so awkward and even ashamed during my first semester of seminary--because I knew that I wouldn't end up as simply a pastor in a church or a few churches. Most of the people here were here to do just that, or at least the initial ones that I encountered. Eventually I got over my seemingly "freakish" reason for being in seminary and embraced my unique calling--I will definitely be pastor, but my calling does not end there.

While I am not as unclear about my calling as I was when I first entered seminary, it still is murky enough to really have no idea what my next step is after seminary. Sure I have plenty of plans--a through z--but I'm not really sure what God's plan is in all of this. Meanwhile I am still trying to really define who I am and trying to evaluate what type of partner I need to run this race with. I cannot afford to lose momentum and I cannot allow someone in my life who is just going to tell me to simmer down and settle my life somewhere when it goes against every fiber of my being.

One of the things I began to do earlier this year was to stir up the dreams that God has given me over the years. I decided to start a dream sketch book where I write inspirational quotes, draw pictures, record ideas, etc. I took quiet time just to reflect on those things that uniquely exemplify me--gifts, talents, experiences etc. Seminary has helped me to embrace who God has created me to be and that it is okay to be completely different from everyone else. I know someone would say that I could have paid them my seminary tuition to get such a simple concept.

But it definitely hasn't been something I have learned overnight. It has been a long ongoing process. Too often I have placed myself in situations and with people who have not embraced the essence of who I am and it has left me barren and lesser than who I am. A part of me literally dies. I refuse to be dead anymore. I have identified those things within me and around me that I gravitate toward, that are life giving, that are fulfilling, inspiring, invigorating, exciting, and liberating. Why should I allow someone to return me to bondage? Why should I surround myself with people who are supposed to be in my corner who don't understand me enough to know what makes me tick? I understand not everyone will understand or "get it" but I need those who supposedly have a stake in my life to do so.

Perhaps this is just midnight ranting and I am being too vague about everything to avoid writing a novella to make up for the last year of missing blog posts. I don't know. What I do know is that I am a dreamer and too many people "grow up" and stop dreaming. Recently in my ESL class we read Langston Hughes poems about dreams:

DREAMS
Hold fast to dreams
For if dreams die
Life is a broken-winged bird
That cannot fly.

Hold fast to dreams
For when dreams go
Life is a barren field
Frozen with snow.


DREAM DEFERRED
What happens to a dream deferred?

Does it dry up
like a raisin in the sun?
Or fester like a sore
--And then run?
Does it stink like rotten meat?
Or crust and sugar over
--like a syrupy sweet?

Maybe it just sags
like a heavy load.

Or does it explode?

I never want my dreams to become those that are in Hughes' poems. Life is too short and the world is too vast. In anticipation of the day in which dreams would be annihilated, at fifteen I wrote a poem about being a dreamer despite criticism:

I am a fearless dreamer,

not afraid of what lies ahead of me

not intimidated by the pity looks

I receive from anyone just for dreaming.

I am a dreamer

who believes that there should be a law against non-dreamers

who lack imagination and faith...

I am a dreamer

who will one day become a remarkable success

And finally no longer dream, but live...

The song below just seemed appropriate to add. Since I was a child I looooooved this song! It always reminds me to aim high.

"Flying Without Wings"

2010-12-21T07:54:00.002-05:00

Such a wonderful song. I feel like I am often flying without wings whether it is pressing into God or thinking about my future love, or doing that things that reside in my heart of hearts.

Everybody's looking for that something
One thing that makes it all complete
You'll find it in the strangest places
Places you never knew it could be
Some find it in the faces of their children
Some find it in their lovers eyes
Who can deny the joy it brings
When you find that special thing
You're flying without wings

Some find it sharing in every morning
Some in their solitary lives
You'll find it in the works of others
A simple line can make you laugh or cry
You'll find it in the deepest friendships
The kind you cherish all your lives
And when you know how much that means
You have found that special thing
You're flying without wings

So impossible as they may seem
You've got to fight for every dream
'Cuz who's to know which one you let go
Would have made you complete

But for me it's waking up beside you
To watch the sun rise on your face
To know that I can say I love you
At any given time or place
It's the little things that only I know
Those are the things that make you mine, all mine
And it's the flying without wings
'Cuz you're my special thing
I'm flying without wings

You're the place my life begins
And you'll be where it ends
I'm flying without wings
And that's the joy it brings
I'm flying without wings

All of the Things I Know Now

2010-12-05T10:00:00.008-05:00

We finally spoke via text message (gotta love technology!). Five months later my decision is still the same. I even got anxiety in the process as a reminder of how stressed out I used to be. The title of this post is modeled after my previous post "All of the Things I Thought I Knew." Out of our dialouge, in expressing what we wanted and our feelings of inadequacy in terms of the other's expectations, I was able to realize that there are certain qualities and characteristics that are innately me, and that I also expect in a spouse. Here is my list (if you want call it a "wish" list or a very lengthy classifieds "wanted" ad. And please note that is just MY list, and this will not work for everyone).

1. Great Leadership.
Notice I didn't say just "good." I have realized that I am a leader. I am a leader with vision and purpose. I have the ability to plan effectively and execute. I have the willingness to hear and implement counsel. I can take directions well and I can also give them. I believe that the best leaders are those who are wise enough to surround themselves with those who are experts on matters, particularly ones they are less knowledgeable about. I believe that a great leader will defer his/her power when necessary because they know someone who can do it better.

All of that being said I am not looking to "wear the pants" in the relationship (and yes I am old school like that). I am looking for someone who is not only willing to lead but is great at it (or strives to be). I realize that I cannot afford to be the "stronger" one in the relationship if it means lessening myself to make him "look" like a bigger man. I also cannot respect a man as my husband who has inadequate leadership. I realize that the greatest test of this is the leadership he has in his own life (managing his health, spirituality, relationships, finances, struggles etc.). If he doesn't have authority in his own life, why should I subject myself to following a bad leader (especially someone who admits to not being that great a leader) for the rest of my life?

"Good" leadership is fine, but can always be better. Which leads me to my second requirement.

2. Good. Better. Better. Best.
You have to be your own self-improvement committee. Period. I realize I am not like most people. I believe that everything that happens in your past dictates your future if you leave things unresolved and don't plow through things head first. Face the music. We are all screwed up. Our parents (if we were blessed to have any) did not receive parenting manuals upon our birth, and they were also screwed up. We are all human, full of flaws, but certainly not beyond repair.

My whole life I have sought to make a better life for myself and my relationships with everyone because I have never wanted my past to be a stumbling block to my future. Many people rather not deal with their past, particularly if it is very painful and if they cannot see any direct correlation with their present and future. I will admit not all things from the past have effect on your present, but what about your future? Take that broken relationship you have with your family––surely it doesn't effect you now, but what about your spouse or children? Or what about reconciliation so that you can have peace in your own life?

You just may be a "good" man, but what I am saying is that you can always be better. I am a "good" woman, but I can be better. There is a difference in looking for perfection and striving toward it. He always said that he wasn't perfect. I was never looking for perfect, nor can anyone ever be perfect in this life. I was asking for a self-improvement committee, particularly if you yourself acknowledge where you fall short. If you acknowledge your inadequacies but do nothing to change or improve them, I take great issue with that. I am fine and dandy with people "content" with themselves where they are, but not in the context of a marriage with me. I believe that marriage, one of the most challenging commitments next to raising children and ministry, is designed to make you better. My Bishop always says "iron sharpens iron." I want to be a better person, and I want to help make you a better person. I am content with my steps of growth throughout my life, but I will never be content with staying in the same place, nor will I see someone that I am committed the rest of my life content with not growing.

I already know I AM going to continue grow and change. I am looking for someone to do the same. When someone says things like "I'm afraid that you will leave me behind" I keep it moving.

3. Maintaining My Purpose and His.
Some people who have a hardcore belief in marriage being oneness are probably cringing at this one. But I am not nixing that idea. I think you need a high level of unity to be able to walk together for a lifetime. What I am saying is that it is a tragedy when people go into marriage and lose every aspect of themselves and their own purpose and mission. Yes there is a new joint purpose and mission together, but this shouldn't totally annihilate your personal dreams and desires (unless of course that is something you sacrificed in order to be married in the first place, then this doesn't apply to you).

What I am saying is that when you feel like your life is "ruined" as a result of someone leaving you, or like all of your dreams and desires have been "killed" as a result of this person's departure, you have completely lost your own sense of purpose and mission. This is not to say that there isn't some loss of this in a breakup or divorce, because there is, but I am talking about those who wallow in the extremeness of it--they became so wrapped up in another person that their own sense of breathing was lost apart from that person.

Of course I can be totally wrong about this but it is what I have observed so for in my limited view of life. I think it is possible though to maintain your identity while building life with someone else. I think it is possible to tap into your gifts and desires in your heart of hearts while maintaining the unity of your relationship unless those are things you have purposefully chosen to completely sacrifice. This is why it is so important for the other person to have a vision of their own life and for you both to plan what a unified vision looks like.

He had very little vision (few details) in where he wanted his own life to go. And the plans that he did have he did not really work toward wholeheartedly. I believe marriage involves a partnership in which both parties provide the support (monetarily, emotionally, physically, spiritually, etc) necessary to fulfill their mission and purpose in life. I want to help someone work toward their goals, not just demand support of my own desires. It is also not fair to have someone else put the weight and burden of purpose solely on your shoulders. I know that everyone does not share this view of marriage, but for me, it is a necessity.

I will stop here for now since I have already written a novella (as always!), but in summary I have concluded that my view of marriage is a balance, not an extreme:

It is neither blissful happiness nor misery, but contentment in whatever season.
It is neither superiority nor inferiority, but submitting one to another.
It is neither strength nor weakness, but building up one another in love.
It is neither perfection nor passiveness, but addressing conflict and issues effectively.
It is neither complete separateness (total individuality) nor complete submersion (loss of self), but a unity with a joint identity as well as individual ones.
It is neither compromising the essence of yourself nor refusing to grow yourself, but changing your perspective, recognizing who you are, who they are, and working to find common ground.

I have learned a lot, mainly about myself in the last three years. Our dialouge was a time of confirmation and peace. Sometimes you don't know what you are looking for until you realize what you don't want. I know that in the end I made the right decision even if it was painful.

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image source

Blinded By Love

2010-10-20T23:05:00.007-04:00

I wish it didn't hurt so much. I think what hurts the most is knowing how much I loved him and that the depth of my love now matches the depth of the pain. I am asking God to explain the whole situation in hopes of having some type of clarity. I guess with closure comes pain. We had some what of a closure last Friday that really catapulted me into frenzied distress.

I found out that he threw the ring away the day that I gave it back to him. I thought that I wouldn't care what he did with it, but my distress proved me wrong. I freaked out because:

1) it was like throwing our love away
2) I really LOVED the ring (lame reason, I know but it meant many things to me including my favorite season, the season we met, and the season we got engaged.
3) it was custom made (so even if I wanted to get another one, I'd have to go through hoops)
4) he threw it away so soon (usually he's really sentimental about those things, but he's also very impulsive)
5) and either one of us could have really used the money had we pawned it.

But like my aunt said, it was his decision to make, and I did give it back even after he insisted on me keeping it (I read some where that it was the proper thing to do, if you were the one who chose to end it, though, ours was somewhat of a mutual ending).

You're probably wondering where did my peace go as I mentioned in a previous post. But I guess I just want to know from God, for certain, that I can really close the door to that part of my life and throw away the keys. Knowing for sure will eliminate that hint of doubt that I have, but I could totally be wrong.

Also, November will mark our one year anniversary of our engagement and this will be the first time in 3 years when I don't spend Thanksgiving with his family. In addition I miss his pastor and first lady and his family. And although I have been so busy that I don't have too much time to think of these things, when I do it really knocks me down. People just think it's another break up, but it is a whole different dimension when you were actually making plans to unite your life with someone else's. I've known multiple people who have been in similar situations and it was not easy by any means.

When you really dive into life with someone you are accustomed to being in their embrace, conversing, planning, eating with them, or merely staring deeply into their eyes and caressing their face. You see a joint future and now that mirror is shattered into a million pieces, and each fragment you try to retrieve either wounds you, or catches the light and gives you a glimmer of what was.

I now understand why people say they don't think they can ever love again. It is not just because of the pain of loving someone, it is having the fear that in the back of your mind that you simply won't be able to love someone else because the remnants of your former love is still on your lips and forever embedded in your memories––causing you to reject a love that is foreign to the one you knew. It is as though nothing else and no one else could ever be good enough. And then you end up missing out on love the next time around because you are still blinded by the first time.

I want to heal so that I can be open to it again.

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pic source: http://www.corbisimages.com/Enlargement/42-17034852.html

Who Knew?

2010-09-17T23:27:00.001-04:00

Who Knew by Pink

You took my hand
You showed me how
You promised me you'd be around
Uh huh
That's right
I took your words
And I believed
In everything
You said to me
Yeah huh
That's right

If someone said three years from now
You'd be long gone
I'd stand up and punch them out
Cause they're all wrong
I know better
cause you said forever
and ever
who knew

Remember when we were such fools
And so convinced and just too cool
Oh no
No no
I wish I could touch you again
I wish I could still call you a friend
I'd give anything

When someone said count your blessings now
For they're long gone
I guess I just didn't know how
I was all wrong
They knew better
Still you said forever
And ever
Who knew

Yeah yeah
I'll keep you locked in my head
Until we meet again
Until we
Until we meet again
And I won't forget you my friend
What happened

If someone said three years from now
You'd be long gone
I'd stand up and punch them out
Cause they're all wrong
That last kiss
I'll cherish
Until we meet again
And time makes
It harder
I wish I could remember
But I keep
Your memory
You visit me in my sleep
My darling
Who knew
My darling
My darling
Who knew
My darling
I miss you
My darling
Who knew
Who knew

God's Peace in the Midst of Confusion

2010-09-11T21:28:00.001-04:00

More than a week ago I felt God lift a huge weight from my spirit, from my shoulders, from my whole disposition. I know that I have been in turmoil about our break up, but I wasn’t sure why. In totally anguish, particularly about my finances, I asked the Lord to give me a glimmer of hope that things would get better, that I wouldn’t always be sad, that I wouldn’t always struggle so much. I expected God to give me a vision about the future. The last thing I would ask for or expect was God’s peace which ended up being far greater than a glimpse into the future.

After receiving God’s peace, the peace that truly passes all understanding, I realized that for the last two months I have been under deep stress and under a rain cloud––all because I had no peace about the break up. While I was relieved and believed the break up was for the better, I still had no peace about it. I still doubted my decision, not knowing if it was 100% sound, not knowing if I had the right motives. I wrestled constantly in my head and felt as though a huge burden weighed me down.

But when God’s peace entered the picture, the clouds evaporated, and the burden was lifted. I never knew how important peace was until now. God’s peace is like the eye of a hurricane––sunny and peaceful right in the midst of the storm. I didn’t even realize I had been carrying such a heavy burden. God’s yoke is much easier than my own. I wish I would have cast my burdens onto Him a lot sooner.

I realize that lately God has been reminding me that when I allow Him to be in control and don’t attempt to try to sort through the landfill of problems I have, life is less stressful. After all Jesus said you can’t change anything by stressing about it. Don’t worry about tomorrow, He said. So why does it seem that the older we become, the more fear, anxiety, and worry sets in? Why can’t we still be responsible, but not burden ourselves with all of the stress? It is probably because as we age, we tend to acquire more responsibilities, and thus have more things to control.

This week, more than once God reminded me of The Lord’s Prayer that says “Thy Kingdom come, thy will be done.” The prayer doesn’t say my will be done. This means that every day I should ask God to take the reins of my life. I should be seeking what His will is day to day instead of lamenting over my own limited perspective of my problems. I realized today that regardless of how much I try to control my life, God has a better plan and will not allow me to get too far off track. I definitely have to work on this, but for now, I am enjoying my peace.

The best kind of peace leaves you speechless, the kind of peace that says come hell or high water, everything will be all right. I thank God for His peace, and for keeping me through this really hard time and I praise Him in advance for keeping me. I feel so much freer, liberated. I want to spin around and dance in the middle of a field. Truly my mourning has become dancing again, and once again He has given me the garment of praise. If I had 10,000 tongues it would be enough to thank Him for all that He's done and all that He's doing and all that is to come. To my Father in Heaven who is the only one who keeps me, thank you for the Prince of Peace.

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The Simple Things

2010-08-29T02:17:00.004-04:00

And all I wanted was the simple things
A simple kind of life
And all I needed was a simple man
So I could be a wife...
If we met tomorrow for the very first time
Would it start all over again?
Would I try to make you mine?

-"Simple Life" No Doubt

I didn't ask for the whole world, just my version of a whole world, starring us. Was that really too much to ask for?

While I have expensive taste at times, I am usually completely content with the most simple things in life. Take today for example. My trip to the beach. I think that some of the most incredible fun takes place with the wonder of the ocean. You cannot pay for the waves, you cannot beckon them--you just show up and they happen over and over again, for your pure enjoyment. Bring along a towel, something you don't mind getting drenched in, maybe a blanket and umbrella and for less than $5 and half a tank of gas (and a few bucks for some tolls), you get free sunshine, waves, fun, and relaxation.

I honestly find the most pleasure in the things you cannot purchase or duplicate. Like fall for instance. You cannot make the trees change colors. They do so on their own accord. And thunderstorms––they have their own dramatic performance that cannot be altered.

And I find beauty in even the things that can be replicated because they were made my human hands, especially massive structures like bridges, buildings, beautiful churches, and murals etc. There is a comfort and a peace being able to appreciate the most ordinary and simple things in life. I just want someone who is willing to explore the world around them outside of their four walls who appreciates those things too.

Today was admittedly a rough day. I couldn't stop thinking about him. It was beyond annoying and unsettling. I really wrestled with whether or not I have made the right decision; wondering if there is someone who meets my intellectual, spiritual, and emotional sides; the adventure, curious-child-like moments, sarcasm, and creative-artsy-lover, in me. Is there really anyone who can meet that?

On top of that I am thinking about how this semester is going to pan out, whether or not I am really ready to dive into it and devote my full attention to both my studies and my internships. Only time and hard work will tell.

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pic source

Can I get a do over?

2010-08-29T01:27:00.004-04:00

When I sit and reflect about my undergrad days I wonder: what was the point? Other than getting a degree added to my resume, fulfilling my mother's demand of higher education, and growing spiritually, I can't say that there was any real "point" to undergrad for me.

Less than a year into my print journalism major I sensed that while I loved writing, a traditional professional journalism career wasn't for me. My second major was originally poli-sci but I ended up changing that to creative writing after I realized I had no interest in writing research papers, and did not know where a poli-sci degree could take me other than law. And with my goal being to get out in four years (especially with a $40,000/year price tag), there was no way I was going to start all over again.

The thing that annoys me the most is that there never seemed to be anything in undergrad that really prepared you for careers or gave you a wide range of alternative options other than the traditional lines of professionalism (business, law, medical etc). So other than taking classes, trying to find interesting clubs to commit to, and seeking out an interesting internship, there was never any formal career training. There were no required courses helping you make the transition from college life to the real world. Nope. Simply a $160,000 piece of paper that said I supposedly accomplished something during the last four years of my life. I was without direction and purpose.

While I know that the personal and family drama that plagued my life in undergrad did put a damper on my enthusiasm, it was mainly the disappointment about a curriculum that turned out to be less than challenging and the presence glorified high-schoolers who now had more access to alcohol and were supposedly considered adults. One of the few redeeming aspects of my undergrad days, was being able to vent, like I did about this very thing in the opinion section of the school newspaper. I'm not sure how much of an "impact" I made considering I never wrote anything that was with the tide of typical college culture, but it was therapeutic nonetheless.

At the end of four years (really only three and a half since I was really eager to get out) it seems that I was left with more questions than ever, particularly since I realized early on from talking to many other students, that whatever I ended up doing, I did NOT want my only motivation to be a pay check.

Why bring all of this up now? I guess I have been thinking a lot about what it means to be where I am today and why it's taken soooo long to get here mentally, emotionally, psychologically etc. Although I am not completely certain of all the details regarding my future, I am a whole like closer than I was fresh out of college. I guess I am just frustrated because there was so much wasted time to get here, and how college is often a money pit in which many students lose more of their identity instead of becoming more defined. I am pondering ways of how young people can be get a better idea of their goals before spending money to go to school. I guess I am just having one of those "if only I knew then what I know now" moments.

And I know, I was a countless "victim" of the culture and society in which I live. It is dripping with self-indulgence, greed, and the need to possess wealth at any cost including selling your very soul. But how can I be part of the solution and not the problem? How can I get others to see that there is an entire world out there that is hurting, destitute, and broken--and not just overseas, but right here in their backyards?

What frustrates me the most is all of the problems that I see, but knowing that I am only one person, with one lifetime, and I cannot possibly do everything and help everyone that I feel compassion for. I know that in order to make the most out of my life I need to focus my energy into primary areas to truly be effective and have a lasting impact.

I don't know. Maybe this post is simply about me still wrestling with my purpose and trying to make sense of all of the little pieces. It is kind of like I have all the flat edged pieces of the puzzle in place, but now I have to start adding all of the peculiar pieces to the middle of it. But I feel like I have lost the picture of the puzzle, so I don't even know what I am putting together. I feel like the picture will reveal itself as I get more of the pieces in place. Unfortunately, only the Maker of the puzzle has the final picture. I will know in due time.

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pic source

Oh the Places You'll Go!

2010-08-25T12:50:00.005-04:00

You have brains in your head.
You have feet in your shoes.
You can steer yourself
any direction you choose.
You're on your own. And you know what you know.
And YOU are the guy who'll decide where to go...

I'm sorry to say so
but, sadly, it's true
that Bang-ups
and Hang-ups
can happen to you...

So...
be your name Buxbaum or Bixby or Bray
or Mordecai Ali Van Allen O'Shea,
You're off the Great Places!
Today is your day!
Your mountain is waiting.
So...get on your way!

-Dr. Seuss, Oh the Places You'll Go!

Whatever you may think about Dr. Seuss, the man did have some pretty profound things to say that are good for more than just children's fairy tales. The story of Oh the Places You'll Go! talks about the realm of possibilities available to you in life and all of the things that you will encounter: the good, the bad, and the ugly. I am beginning to see the small glimmers of hope as I think about what my next move is and what the heck I am going to do with the rest of my life.

Twice in the past month two of my closest mentors asked me what my plans are after I finish my degree. Bishop asked me "If God stood before you today, what would you say you want to do after school?"

I answered: "I want to help inner-city, disadvantaged, people realize who they are in God so that they can be empowered to change and improve their situation."

Wow. Under pressure that pretty much sums it up. My life mission and goals, that span about 12 pages+ long, condensed into one line. I am still trying to figure out all the details of the how aspect of it though.

You would think I would be ecstatic about all of this, and I definitely am––but only to a certain point. A lot of it is bittersweet in how I ended up where I am today, with the perspective that I have now.

Last year when I decided to go to seminary (Jan/Feb) it was apart from my former significant other (we were broken up at the time). When we got back together (late Spring) it was a done deal––I had already submitted my application, had gotten the scholarship, and was planning to make my moves at the end of the summer and still debating if I would be able to still keep my job and realistically attend school full-time (five grad-level courses + 10 internship hours per week, and you already know what I decided).

When he got wind of the whole situation he was outraged that I would made a decision without him and he thought it was a bad move, that I wasn't "ready" for seminary, that I didn't know what I was getting myself into (which is semi-legitimate because he dropped out because it wasn't what he thought it was), that it was not a wise move financially, that I was running away, that I would meet another guy...and a whole host of other complaints on his end. We argued constantly last summer until right before I started he admitted mainly being scared of losing me among other things. So had I not started seminary last fall, where would I be? Probably still working my old job and not even a millimeter closer to finding out what I really want out of life.

As I went into my second semester at seminary and he saw how much I was growing and learning, he admitted that he didn't want to be left behind, another main reason that he discouraged me from going. He also admitted that God revealed that he was the one actually weighing down the both of us because of his own reservations about God, people, ministry, and the church. While I am relieved that in the end I made the decision that was best for me, I am still angry with the fact that had I actually built my life around his perception of the world, I would have no world for me right now. My world would be completely shattered.

On the flip side, I wholeheartedly believe that men should be the leaders and head of a relationship and should be able to make sound decisions. However I never functioned as such in our relationship, one of his biggest complaints about me. He was right, I wasn't ready to follow his lead because I did not trust his decisions. I didn't think he had divine counsel regarding his choices, but was instead heavily swayed by his own reservations. At the end of the day I wasn't ready to follow because I didn't believe that he could truly lead. At the end of the day I felt like it was the blind leading the blind.

As I mentioned in my post last week, I am not the type of person who will totally drag their feet when it comes to huge decisions. I usually jump right in, like my move to Philly. I don't believe he functioned the same way. He had "plans" to come go to seminary with me, yet, as of June, right before I ended things, he still hadn't even applied. Here he was wanting me to change my life for him, but didn't even have his stuff together to change his life for me. I have always told him that he needed to have a plan.

I wholeheartedly believe that having a plan and a vision and taking the actual steps to meet that vision is required in order to achieve anything in life. He realized this after the second time that we broke up regarding his finances, but in terms of our life together, that vision never really materialized in my book.

Call me a backseat driver, but I like to know where I am going even before I get there. Whether I am on the literal highway or the highway of life, I like to be prepared for detours, traffic, road blocks, bad weather etc. I felt like I wasn't, that we weren't prepared for any of that, especially regarding our future in ministry. I could never see how our lives really fit together.

When I did ask him what his plan was, I was faced with hostility and animosity and accused of circumventing authority. Seriously? What excellent CEO of a company gives a lukewarm vision to its employees of what the direction the company should be going unless he is insecure about it? Just saying. And there I was feeling guilty about my decision to go to seminary, doubting. Yet here I am a whole year later, my decision made, and despite my relationship status, relatively okay in regards to my future because it isn't wrapped around in mere words about the future nor is it intertwined with someone else's life.

I was constantly accused of not seeing the "us" in everything, yet what sacrifices did he made, other than financial ones? He still complained about his job yet did nothing about it. He kept on saying he'd make the necessary moves when our relationship was legalized and set in stone, but I honestly had no security in even that. He wanted an "us" before there officially was. He wanted to me to make decisions on "us" before it was official. I know that this works for some people, and I know to a certain extent you should consider your significant other before making a life-altering decision, but it wasn't exactly me deciding to move to China. I don't know, maybe everyone sees it differently.

My mother never officially gave me the advice "don't change your life for anyone" but it was definitely implied when she told her own story about her "settling down" which for her ended up compromising by having children, never finishing college, and being tied down to a marriage that she wanted to escape. I was willing to build a life with him, but in the context of it being legal. Call me selfish but I wasn't willing to adhere to his "commands" (because what I felt like his supposed "leadership" was most of the time ended up being a means of control) on the behalf of our relationship. What good would have come of it exactly?

I know for next time that if I do not trust a man's leadership, I probably should simply keep it moving; because while I enjoy wearing the pants (and trust me I do), at the end of the day I enjoy someone who can take charge, particularly when I am being really indecisive about my next move. I want someone who also knows the difference between control and headship/leadership. I want someone who is a visionary like me, who has a game plan, who has divine insight and counsel and who isn't ultimately going to lead me into a ditch (and even if he does, can admit his mistakes, repent, and move forward). I don't want to be the kind of woman who cuts a man down, but if I feel like I have to wear the pants, I know that I will be.

I am glad that I did not base my major decisions solely on our relationship, but I am still bitter. I am bitter about his view of things, my guilt about his view, the fact that he would even put me in a situation to choose (basically between God and him concerning seminary), among a host of other things.

I will have to forgive him and move forward, and instead of dwelling on what was, dwelling on what is: despite my relationship status, I am still in a very good place, and exactly where God wants me to be.

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pic source: Random House

A Time to Mourn, A Time to Dance

2010-08-24T00:30:00.008-04:00

Okay. I confess. I do miss him. Especially when I think about the few things that we did have in common––like raising a wholesome family––decorating the house for every season (I am especially thinking about this because my favorite season fall is coming up) and holiday, baking cookies, having picnics, apple picking, and all of those things that few families seem to be committed to these days (or at least from what I have seen in my corner of the world). Apparently this isn't the first time I ranted about this. My first time was December 2008 (see here). I complain about the uncertainty of the future but express my optimism: if I have waited this long to start a family, then I can wait a little bit longer if I want to build something to last. I just "hope you last a long, long, time" whoever you are (taken from Semisonic's "Made to Last." Listen to the awesomeness here.)

The irony of it all. As I anticipate the new season, my life is transitioning into a new season as well. Again, apparently not the first time I've written about this (see "A Time to Weep"). But I do miss the old season of fantasizing about my future life as a wife, as a mother; my future home, etc––I think I am mourning more what could have been, more than what actually was. It is like we have committed an emotional abortion of our future lives. This reminds me India Arie's song "These Eyes" where she states:

Are we meant to be man and wife?
The answer I don't know
Of life's many mystery's what intrigues me the most
Is who our children would have been
I guess we'll never know
Even as I walk away I'll always keep the hope

Your whole future can change in an instant (or does it really, if it has yet to be written? but that's another discussion all together). I saw a life with him and now that life is gone.

What would make this all a whole lot easier is if I hated him. But again I am reminded of another pop culture reference as Julia Stiles stands in front of her English class reading her poem "10 Things I Hate About You" (in the movie titled the same):

I hate the way you're always right,
I hate it when you lie.
I hate it when you make me laugh,
even worse when you make me cry.
I hate it when you're not around,
and the fact that you didn't call.
But mostly I hate the way I don't hate you,
not even close,
not even a little bit,
not even at all.

I know, I know, ultra sappy, especially when she cries at the end of reading it. The fact that I don't hate him does give me the hope that India talks about walking away with. But on the other hand, I am secretly holding out for so much more. I can't wait for the other half of mourning...dancing (Ecclesiastes 3:4). Sorry my posts seem a bit scatterbrained.

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Image Source

God is Quite Funny Part 3

2010-08-22T00:00:00.001-04:00

Even when I attempt to disconnect my phone line from God without a forwarding number, He still manages to track me down and get my attention some how. This time it was in my new room. There it was, a larger-than-my-hand praying mantis on the wall. I immediately knew what it was (don't ask me how I even knew, it's not like you see one of them every day) and found it comical. Here it was a creature "praying" more than I have attempted to pray lately, and on top of that it was "preparing" my new room for my move-in.

Ha ha ha. God, once again is quite funny. He really does have a wonderful sense of humor when it comes to me, especially at times I find it hard to laugh, let alone crack a smile. He really has a way of opening my heart again after I have closed it following disappointment, hurt, tragedy, frustration, and all of the unpleasantness of life.

Since then I have been smiling more and talking to Him more (instead of rolling my eyes, pouting, questioning, yelling, and giving Him the silent treatment). He reminds me that life, although it gets bad, isn't as bad as it could be, and that even if it is, I have opened my eyes to another day so my time here still must be valuable. He reminds me that there is wonder even in the the most trivial and seemingly meaningless things. He reminds me that He has things under control even when I feel that things are chaotic and random. He reminds me that my heart will not always be troubled and my world in disarray. He reminds me that I am still His beloved who He watches over and a life in which He still takes interest.

It reminds me of a song that I learned in elementary school "Smile" covered by Nat King Cole among many other artists:

Smile though your heart is aching
Smile even though it's breaking
When there are clouds in the sky, you'll get by
If you smile through your fear and sorrow
Smile and maybe tomorrow
You'll see the sun come shining through for you

Light up your face with gladness
Hide every trace of sadness
Although a tear may be ever so near
That's the time you must keep on trying
Smile, what's the use of crying?
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile

That's the time you must keep on trying
Smile, what's the use of crying?
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile

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image soucre: fotosearch

Unwritten

2010-08-21T00:00:00.001-04:00

Oh what shall I write in my blank book of life? It seems that I now that I am newly single I should have plenty to write. But my book has become filled with cutesy doodling of hearts, flowers, dresses, rings, and other relationship and girlie things that I have lost track of where I should currently be.

With only one out of 3 (or more) years of my master's degree down, I already have those close to me inquiring: so what are you planning the do after school? After undergrad that wasn't a big deal since you could always run home and hide in the corner of your parent's abode (which I did for awhile), but after graduate school, you can't possibly be a dependent by any stretch of the imagination (unless you were part genius and went to college at age 5) so you will be considered a leech if you move in with your parents or you will be homeless (or option c, you will opt for a doctorate's which will land you even deeper in student loan debt). No matter what you do, it has to be a whole lot more strategic and responsible.

I am considering traveling abroad again (and for a split second even considered getting a job in Dubai), but I now realize that a long-term endeavor maybe unlikely, at least for the first couple of years out of school. I realize that I want less randomness in my life and more deliberate decisions that prepare me for the next step. I want to be serious and purposeful about what I do in my life, and make sure that it is not a decision always based solely on my goals and desires. No, I haven't lost my excitement and adventure, I guess I am just making it a point to be more focused and goal oriented. I don't want to be out trying to climb Mount Everest if it is not going to impact anyone's life. I do admit that it is hard re-wiring myself to only think of my own life and not the life of someone else now. The only effect my decisions will have now is on that of the people who I help.

A couple of weeks ago I watched a documentary that had Natasha Bedingfield's ultra popular song "Unwritten." It wasn't until I saw the documentary that I actually heard the lyrics (I typically tune out any song that is annoyingly over played). The words could strike more true in my life at this time. She even says that it's okay to make mistakes--a line that I feel more people should embrace instead of being conditioned to be ashamed for messing up. This is a perfect anthem for me to remember the rest of my life stands before me as a blank canvas. One line in the song says "Today is where your book begins, the rest is still unwritten"--and do I have plenty more to write.

Unwritten by Natasha Bedingfield

I am unwritten,
Can't read my mind
I'm undefined
I'm just beginning
The pen's in my hand
Ending unplanned

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words
That you could not find
Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions

Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten, yeah

Oh, oh

I break tradition
Sometimes my tries
Are outside the lines, oh yeah yeah
We've been conditioned
To not make mistakes
But I can't live that way oh, oh

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words
That you could not find
Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions

Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins

Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
drench yourself in words unspoken
live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
the rest still unwritten

(Gospel)
Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words
That you could not find
Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions

Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open *****
Today is where your book begins

Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open *****
Today is where your book begins

The rest is still unwritten

The rest is still unwritten

Traveling through the Wilderness: Regrets

2010-08-20T20:29:00.007-04:00

The saying goes that we should live our life without regrets. I think I have managed to make pretty sound decisions since age 11 when I chose to move back to Cali with my mother instead of going to the gifted school I was accepted to in New York. I definitely regretted the decision after the fact (ages 11-13 were pretty much hell for me and my mother), now looking back I know that the decision was right for a number of reasons and I probably wouldn't be anything like I am now without that experience.

Fast forward 16 years to the present day. I made another huge-life altering decision––to not get married, at least not to the one that was my intended. Do I regret it? I am mostly relieved but I do have my moments when I question my motives and decision, mainly when I look at all of the positive things that happened, the moments we shared, the things that we learned. Then I have to re-teach myself the other side of the coin––the reality of the matter: I wasn't very happy, I felt pressured, and I felt like I would eventually file for divorce if things didn't completely change between us. Why should I regret being happy?

As I mentioned in my previous post, there is a sense of security and identity that comes with being married, particularly about the future. It is probably one of the few things in which we feel we possess control. When I was single before I really had no idea what my future looked like, but when I chased after marriage, I knew that I would be a wife, that I would start a family, that I would buy a house, etc although I still had no clue what my future would be. As a wife I would pretty much know what to expect at least family wise, although I didn't have my career (and even my identity) all ironed out. Being a wife would be a comfortable unknown. Not being married just puts me right back at the beginning, holding the question mark that I started out with.

I am not saying that the only reason I wanted to get married was to have some type of identity and solid future, but it was definitely an underlying reason. Knowing that I was going to get married me brought me a sense of peace and comfort about my future because I knew what to expect. But what should I expect now?

I know that Jesus talks about losing your own life in order to find it, but what life should I expect to find? What is the life that I will gain? (I definitely know what I am losing!) I know that is where faith comes in: I always think about the painting of a woman who is blind folded who is stepping off the ledge of a cliff into the invisible hand of God. But no one said faith wouldn't be completely scary. I don't have it all figured out and I try not to pretend to.

People must think I am/was completely crazy for leaving my cushy paying corporate job in the midst of a horrible economy to follow Jesus. People thought I was completely nuts from moving from San Diego to Philly (and still do, gasping and all), but I did it. People must think I am completely nuts for walking away from a three year relationship (OMG how could she be so close to getting married and totally flake? is one of the many things that runs through my head).

And what I learned is that most people aren't like me. They want to make decisions that are "safe" and "comfortable." They don't want to do something that will make waves or that they think they will completely regret. What's the use of a computer that operates in "safe mode" all of the time? What's the use of spending 60+ years of my life playing it "safe" and not making major decisions? I'm not saying that it's wrong for the people who do, I'm saying that I'm not that person. With all of the ish that I've been through I want to make the most out of the life that I do have control of (because face it, you really don't have a whole lot decision making as a child). My Bishop told us numerous times that we shouldn't be afraid to make a mistake or admit that we were wrong about our decisions. So what do we really have to fear?

At times I do regret some of my decisions, or at least I think that I could have planned things a little better before plowing forward. Sometimes I do get frustrated with the "consequences" of my actions. Sometimes I do sit and have "what if..." scenarios play on loop in my head. But when the dust settles in my whirlwind of doubts, I realize that this is the path I have chosen, and that I have to remind myself of all the reasons I chose it.

I have to remind myself that I don't make major decisions after careful thought and consideration (although to others I seem to just go for a running leap off the cliff). I have to remind myself that it is scary, that where I am going is unknown to me, but not to God. I have to remind myself that my path isn't always going to be the paved road equipped with proper signage and markings, but may end up being a lightly worn narrow passage through an over grown field. I have to constantly remind myself of Robert Frost's poem "The Road Not Taken":

     Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--
   I took the one less traveled by,
   And that has made all the difference.

I have not idea where this road will take me but I do know that if I do continue down the path I will see and experience above and beyond what I could ever hope for or imagine. I have to remember that being in the wilderness is not comfortable, but is necessary to complete the journey.

Regret is really doubt in hiding. Regret doubts your confidence, decisiveness, and can pretty much undermine your ability to move forward. Regrets will keep you stuck on looking over your shoulder instead of pressing forward. What is the point of regret? It is absolutely useless and counter productive. As a leader of a Glenolden church said once "you can't unscramble scrambled eggs." So why waste time trying to turn back a clock that doesn't exist? Paul talks about forgetting what lies behind and pressing forward despite everything.

Even amidst the rising regrets, I still do want to press forward. I am too far along. I think of Mary Mary's song:

I just can't give up now
I've come too far from where I started from
Nobody told me the road would be easy
and I don't believe He brought me this far to leave me

I hurt and I doubt but that doesn't mean I'll give up the good fight.

All of the Things I Thought I Knew

2010-08-14T07:26:00.007-04:00

Being the smart a** that I am most of the time, I have realized that I was wrong about a lot of things in regards to relationships and marriage. Here are some of the things that I have realized so far, the world according to my 27-year glimpse of it. (I should really re-name this post "the world according to me" since that's what this really is)

1. You have to marry your best friend.
I always thought this was simply cliche, but it couldn't be closer to the truth. I figured that this is why you get girlfriends/guy friends. But the reality is you can't share everything with them, especially in regards to your marriage. At the end of the day the only neutral party that you can share your relationship with is God. The second best source is your spouse. Besides, why wouldn't you want to be the best of buds with your spouse? It will be the person you will be spending the most time with for the rest of your life. They will see all and know all (at least they should, but even this opinion is subject to change until I am actually married). When the romance fades what will be left if not friendship?

2. You should get counseling when you have problems (pre-marital or not). Period.
I wasn't really against getting counseling for relationship issues before, but I was definitely not sold on have pre pre-marital counseling––counseling solely committed to improving communication, conflict resolution etc. Why not get counseling to help improve your relationship, particularly if it is someone that you view as a potential spouse? Before I thought you could totally use overkill with this, but now I am convinced that you can't. No matter if it is individual and/or couples counseling, I am majorly convinced you can't go wrong (unless you get a whack job for a therapist, but that's another story). If you think a relationship is worth going to the next level, why not invest into making it that best that it can possibly be?

3. Divorce IS always an option.
You probably think I am completely nuts for saying this, especially since I am supposedly godly and all, but what I realized from my own situation, that they way things stood in my relationship, I was willing to get a divorce if things really went south. I shocked myself because after seeing and experiencing the awfulness of the my parents divorce I wanted to make sure it all worked out. I still don't really believe in divorce because I feel that you should choose your spouse wisely and really remain committed to your spouse, however I also believe that you are also entitled to make a mistake. If you truly cannot make it work and you've tried everything under-the-sun including God and godly counsel, I am not going to knock anyone for the effort if they got married for legitimate reasons in the first place. Divorce, whether you believe in it or not, will always be an option. You should be worried though when you have made it an option even before you're married. If you are already seeking to jump ship before you have tied the knot, then you probably shouldn't marry that person. While divorce is always an option, it should never be before you get married, and especially when you say your vows. Divorce is the always the absolute last resort.

4. You Must Strive for Happily Married.
I know this seems like the obvious, but apparently everyone doesn't strive for this, particularly if their parents aren't/weren't. I thought this is was a given. But what I realized from my last pre-marital session of counseling, everyone doesn't strive for happiness in marriage. People who do not believe in divorce will not necessarily strive to be happy. If divorce is not an option and being married is a sure thing, why not strive for happiness? I thought that made sense, until I almost married someone who didn't believe that. He was perfectly content with being married (like his parents) regardless on if it was a good marriage or not. Of course you are not always going to be happy in your marriage, but if it is not even something you strive for then what is the point? This helped me reached my #3 conclusion.

5. Engagement is NOT a Means to Marriage but a Testing of Marriage.
As I said in my previous post, someone told me that engagement––wedding and marriage planning––is a pressure cooker. So all of those little things will be magnified to the nth degree. I didn't understand before how people could break their engagement, especially when they seemed so committed, but now I realize that people come to terms that play-time is over and that the real work begins in marriage. All of those things they have evaded in their lives will be put out on front street, because although you can hide from yourself, you can only hide from someone else before your true self comes to the forefront. However if the couple is too enthralled with planning a wedding and not preparing for the actual marriage, than the engagement may not end up being a test of marriage at all if the wedding planning is a walk in the park. Engagement is the last chance you have to call it quits if you still have serious legitimate doubts. Otherwise you will have the legal, emotional, psychological, etc turmoil of trying to call it quits in divorce. Totally not worth the hassle.

6. Your Life-long Partner Must Have Experience Walking in Your Shoes.
I used to think that you didn't have to share similar experiences with your spouse to make things work, but now I beg to differ. And maybe I feel the way that I do because of everything I have been through, just call it perspective. I am not saying that someone has to have your exact upbringing, home life, tragedies, etc, but someone who has gone through fire too, if that's what you've been through. Life's traumas have a unique way of shaping our character and perspective. If you had it good your entire life, you are going to have a very different view of the world than someone who is an orphan. Sure, on the surface you both may be optimistic about life in general, but that optimism is driven by two different things. The only exception to this is when you have someone who sincerely can empathize with other people. Even if you have never been in that person's shoes, you aren't quick to cast judgment based on your lack of perspective. I know that at the end of the day no matter how much empathy someone has, they will still never know how someone else feels unless it is divinely inspired. But it is still a whole lot better than having someone who is never been through anything judge you based on their limited point of view. Your spouse should also have a reservoir of patience with you regarding you healing from these experiences, otherwise you may receive a constant urge to "get over it."

These are definitely only some of the things I have realized but I hope to share more as I reflect on my life and relationships.

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pic: http://kccachola.wordpress.com/2008/09/

M.I.A.

2010-08-14T06:08:00.009-04:00

Yeah, yeah, totally missing in action. You probably figured that I totally abandoned this blog altogether, but I can assure you that I haven't completely forgotten about it, and in fact I was reading over it last night after finding the binder where I printed out the majority of my posts. I can assure you that I have been journaling heavily ever since school started (though not often since school ended in May), so I have definitely been getting out my frustrations that way.

I don't even know where to begin. In my second to last entry was about the new life I would have in six months. Little did I know that in six months that "new life" would actually be single and re-evaluating a broken engagement and sizing up what my new future beholds. After a delayed marriage and pre-marital counseling that basically resulted in the pastor saying that he didn't think the beau was ready for marriage based on the list of things we discussed, I decided to pull the plug. It was almost three years and here we were still discussing the same problems, only now it was in the context of engagement, on the brink of marriage.

Engagement really helped nail a lot of things down for me. Here I was staring at this ring which I only removed in times of utter frustration that helped solidify that fact that I was really taking the leap and all that it entailed. As someone said to me, engagement–planning for a wedding and a marriage–is the epitome of a pressure cooker. The good, the bad, and the ugly is emphasized to the utmost degree. All of your problems become like whoa, and you realize that if they don't get resolved now, they probably will still exist when the i-do's are spoken. And I'm not talking about "well you like coffee and I like tea" problems, I'm talking about the major unresolved personal ish in addition to the relationship ish that will result in a major communication meltdown and ultimately a divorce or severely strained relationship. As things stood we didn't even have the bare minimum requirements: effective conflict resolution and effective communication.

Secondly I can't hardly say we were that great of friends. We had great conversations when we weren't yelling obscenities which was at least 50% of the time, but we didn't have a whole lot in common at the end of the day that we could fall back on in case our romance tanked. Some people say that they married their best friend––I wholeheartedly believe it is better to marry a best friend than best lover because love fades, and when it is gone, what remains but bitterness if you have little in common when there is no common goal, vision, or plan? You both can have great individual plans that are sort of similar but don't have a unifying element. So even aside from our personal unresolved issues, our foundation wasn't even solid enough to build anything lasting.

I could go on and on about all of the things he wasn't, all of the things he failed to do, and everything else, but that would be only half of the story (his being the other), which would just be bad taste. All that I can say is that I really lost myself because I felt that I really wasn't able to share the most important parts of myself–and in return I didn't invest in him either. And when you have no vested interest in really trying to know and understand someone, you have cut off all growth for yourself and them because you stifle each other and become a hindrance. Marriage should grow you and only stifle the parts of you that needed to die anyway. But when even your very essence is on the brink of death, you need to really re-evaluate the situation.

I think that one of the worst things that you can do to someone is make an assumption and judgment against them based upon your limited view of the world and decide to stick with that assumption without ever finding out otherwise. We were both guilty of this. When you stop asking questions you've basically concluded that you know everything there is to know about someone without ever really knowing them.

I had a lot of doubts and doubts about my doubts. Our last meeting with the pastor affirmed that my doubts weren't simply insecurities but completely legitimate, and very healthy. I had been strung along and even strung myself along to think that there was something wrong with me because I wanted certain things. It turns out that my supposed selfish desires are what any woman and what any couple actually NEED not just want. It is hard to decipher the difference when you doubt your self worth and even harder when neither of your parents presented a good example.

This is why after I ended things I had to keep reminding myself that I AM worth it–I am worth being happy, listened to, respected, loved for my interests, etc. I should be free to be me, not at the expense of someone else, and certainly not being hindered at the expense of someone else's disinterest. It has taken too long for me to find out who I am to end up being a lesser version of myself. I am not only selling myself short but the world as well. Most of all I sell God short because He is the one who created me.

I have no idea what the future holds, but I know that I don't see it as brightly because my cynicism has kicked in again. My hope is that I don't become so jaded that I don't get married, but I also hope that I don't get married simply because I just want to be. I am not by any means looking for Mr. Perfect, simply the perfect one for me, and sometimes I don't think that's too much to ask for but I often think that maybe it is, and maybe I should not expect so much in order to not be disappointed.

I do know that where my expectations used to be when I was much younger, compared to where they are now, were highly unrealistic. I just want someone that will really take an interest in me, share my interests and common goals, enhance my assets and diminish my liabilities, someone who is my best friend, who I actually enjoy spending time with, who I can communicate effectively with and resolve conflict among other things. I don't think that's too much to ask for. In fact, I think it is what most people want. Why does that seem so hard to find?

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image: http://www.wellsphere.com/general-medicine-article/cure-for-the-broken-hearted/508342

Defining Ministry

2010-01-19T21:54:00.005-05:00

Today I have such a full heart because in talking to our internship director, Dr. Ron Sider, I was reminded of all of the issues that I was (and apparently still am) passionate about––like equal education, teaching and training, ESL, writing, giving people a voice, serving the community in both Word AND deed, and serving the poor. It was a much needed conversation just to remind me of those things that I have put on the back burner until now. With the academic life seeming more overwhelming than fruitful at times, this reminder was a way that I could concretely apply all of the scriptures and history that I am learning in seminary. Being educated in seminary without the balance of seeing how the Word is applied to real lives, is aimless and draining. One of the goals that I made for this semester is to make sure I attend as many speaking events and activities as possible to make sure I maintain that balance.

Today we (me, Dr. Sider, and two peers) drove down to Washington DC for a leadership conference that the National Evangelical Association was hosting. Dr. Sider went there as a keynote speaker that day. It was strange stepping foot in a rescue mission again. My first one was in Miami and I always longed to help at the one in San Diego, but it never happened. I felt so at peace when the director talked about his work there. I don't know if God is calling me to lead a rescue mission specifically, but I know I would like to run some type of community center that simply unites all existing organizations to help an individual in all areas of their lives––spiritually, socially, economically, emotionally, financially, physically––all of the aspects of a person's life. To me that is ministry. Taking it one step further than than is providing those services at no cost to the community, and further more, providing services without any expectation or coercion for people to line the pews––the people and funds will come if the ministry is substantial.

Another quote that someone shared from another rescue mission in New York was: "Serve like you're serving a king." That truly puts everything into perspective. Ministry is service. To minister is to be a servant. To serve is to honor, love, and protect. To serve is to expect absolutely nothing in return––this is a servant.

What further defined ministry for me was in seeing The Book of Eli this past weekend. Eli reminded me that in following your call, sometimes you walk by faith only because you can't see or don't know where you are going. He also did not waiver from his calling until it was complete––and the entire time, he was be prepared for everything he encountered, including at the very end of his journey. It was such an incredible testimony to hearing God's voice and obeying no matter how crazy it looked, how frustrating it was, how dangerous it was, etc.

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pic source: http://aarondarlington.theworldrace.org/?nMonth=5&nYear=2009

Ready for Love

2010-01-11T00:05:00.006-05:00

I know, I have disappeared for the last four months––sucked into the world of grad school, the whirlwind of getting engaged and planning my future. I will be married in less than six months which is a major life change. It has been an amazing, frustrating, frightening, and exciting journey all at the same time. I have grown a lot, and still have a lot of growing to do. India Arie's song "Ready for Love" really hits home for me and forces me to ask myself, am I ready? Am I really ready? And am I ready for an even bigger and greater love––the love of God? Am I ready to be completely broken?

At the beginning of last year God challenged me to an examination and re-circumcision of my heart and that examination and re-circumcision is still in progress. I have no doubt that love will heal all of the wounded areas––it has healed many things for me, and still continues to. I am a work in process, a vessel under construction, under the transformation of His wonderful love.

I am sorry if I am not making a whole lot of sense tonight. I have a full heart that is overwhelmed with a lot of realization of what is and what is to come in my life in terms of my relationship with God and with others. While I don't want the mantle of a pastor, I do want the heart, passion, compassion, thirst, drive, etc of one. I don't think I want the weight of the mantle, or can handle the weight of the mantle until I truly have a heart for people. I'm not saying I don't have heart––I think I have more heart than the average person––but I think I need much more. As I said last year, my heart has been calloused and I have lost my passion for people.

And I realize that part of it is not so much losing passion, but being afraid of it––because passion may drive me to step out of my comfort zone. I feel like I have my running shoes on again, so much so that I am even afraid to be in church because I fear what may happen––what God may say, how God wants me to change and grow, how He wants me to step out. As much as I want to know, I equally don't want to know. It seems that when I want to know, God doesn't tell me, but when I don't want to know God is waiting to share. Ugg. I am weary from running, but too anxious and afraid to stand still. What will He say? What will He ask? How will I ever know if I don't ever stop and listen?

So this song has many layers of meaning for me. Not just a significant other love, but it is a reflection of my relationship with and to Love.

...I am ready for love
All of the joy and the pain
And all the time that it takes
Just to stay in your good grace...

I am ready for love
Would you please lend me your ear?
I promise I won't complain
I just need you to acknowledge I am here...

If you give me half a chance
I'll prove this to you
I will be patient, kind, faithful and true...

I am ready for love
If you'll take me in your hands
I will learn what you teach
And do the best that I can...

I am ready for love
Here with an offering of
My voice
My Eyes
My soul
My mind

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image source: http://rriderlausd.org/blog2/?cat=33

The Basic Purpose of Life

2010-01-07T11:46:00.003-05:00

Dear God,
You have always taken care of me whether it was through surrogate parents or family, or You directly showing me love everyday––there has not been a day I have gone without You showing love and giving love to me, even if it is only in the mere act of opening my eyes, giving me breath, and allowing me to sleep peacefully. You have taken care of me, You have loved me, You have been my strength and for that I am truly grateful.

You aren't any less loving on the days I don't seek You or flee from Your love and those who You have sent to love me. Help me be present to Your love even on those days.
Let it envelope, surround, and embrace me.
Let it touch those places that are wounded and broken.
Let it permeate into the hope and the truth that I am loved by You, and beloved by You.
Let that be my motivation to live when I have forgotten my purpose.
Let me be reminded that whether I lose or forget my purpose,
my basic purpose is to love
and to be loved by Love,
to be loved by You.

Back to School

2009-09-06T19:01:00.004-04:00

I have to be honest that I've put off even writing this entry because it would make life that much more real for me. So what have I been up to the last few months? Between two of my cousins getting married, finalizing things for school, moving and quitting my full time job to attend seminary--what haven't I accomplished this summer? The funniest thing about writing this entry is that when I first arrived in Philly that in and of itself was a great adventure. Now almost two and a half years later here I am, still in the same city but about to embark on an entirely different adventure all together.

When I arrived in Philly I knew God was up to something. And now that I am going to seminary in this season of my life, it is further confirmation that God is still up to something, though I can't say with complete confidence exactly what. I know that I am here to learn what it really means to be a Christian, to follow Christ, and realize the full meaning of this hard gospel that Jesus tells us to follow; to learn what true and complete unconditional love really looks like, and how I may implement that in my life now and for the rest of my life--basically learning more about God and my calling.

My last day of work was Friday, September 4th. This was major considering October would have marked 4 years with the very company I relocated to Philly for. I have not experienced not receiving consistent pay check since my teen years, so this should be very interesting. While I don't want to work at all (because of the 5 courses I'm taking in addition to 10 hours with the scholarship I am receiving), I will get a small part time gig if necessary, however my goal is to be self-employed and pay my way through school after the first year. For now I want to be as focused as possible on my studies, not only because it will be a huge adjustment from work to the college life again, but also because unlike undergrad, I have much more of a purpose going to seminary besides a degree--I am here to be transformed by God and never be the same--my entire life's direction will shift gears.

On top of quitting my job, I have also moved onto campus. This makes a lot of sense so that I won't have to commute plus it's only $350 which you can't beat. Yes, I do have a roommate again, but I think that as long as you've lived at least once on your own, having a roommate isn't so bad, especially since I have been so blessed to have good roommates since undergrad. I am trying to adjust to my new neighborhood and shopping areas as well as the demographics. I had been so comfortably knit between suburbia and urban--which is still the case now, but this time you have the more extreme--the ultra ritzy of the Main Line and then the city folks quite literally across the street. I'm not too certain of the internal demographics in the dorm but for the most part the people I've seen have been pleasant. Moving in was an adventure since my roommate and I had to squat in a commuter room until our actual room was ready to occupy. I still haven't quite settled in yet, but I have managed to cook baked oatmeal and spaghetti today. I have really missed cooking, and now that I am going to be on a set budget, it is important more than ever to cook rather than go out (and I will miss going out dearly!)

Last week I found myself getting those natural back-to-school feelings I used to have in elementary, middle and high school--will people like me? Will I make friends? Will my teachers like me? Will I like my classes? WOW. LOL. You'd think I was under 18 with all of the anxieties that came rushing back to me. But they have quickly subsided the closer that classes get (less than a day away!). I intend on making this school experience way different from any other experience that I've had my entire life--in terms of the relationships and friendships I build with classmates and professors, in terms of the amount of effort, time, and focus I will invest to my studies, in terms of God really being able to have my undivided attention, in terms of living a more consistent, meaningful, and intimate walk with God--I want this experience to be completely different.

I am already certain it will be, just from orientation alone. We were asked to write two essays about what our denomination means to us, and what we believe in terms of our doctrine--imagine essays at orientation! That was a shock for me. Also, I am so accustomed to the secular, that I was very surprised by the heavy emphasis of being led by the Spirit in simply selecting a discussion group to go to.

We also discussed the importance of remaining at the table in community, similar to Jesus remaining at the table at the Last Supper, despite knowing He'd be betrayed, despite listening to the disciple argue over who was the greatest--Jesus remained at the table. This article resonated with me about the importance of getting over my romanticized ideas of what community is, and taking the disillusionment as a blessing because I will now have the opportunity to learn the truth about being in community--which isn't always lovely, beautiful and agreeable because you are loving flawed human beings who often mean well but don't always convey it in a way that we can receive it. We were told the importance of being present in discussions, classrooms, and throughout our seminary experience and we were even challenged to take our conversations beyond classroom walls and to keep open the lines of communication.

At the end we made a large circle, held hands, and were asked to give a one word prayer--it was the most powerful prayer ever because people said things like faith, love, perseverance, endurance, joy, peace--so many uplifting words, and many of them repeated. We all had the same desires to make it through our coursework, our life work, God's calling for our lives in this space and at this appointed time.

And so the journey begins. People think that going to seminary is just about another degree--and for some people it is--but it is not just about the degree, as in the piece of paper we receive, but it is about our degree in the Lord, about our growth in Him, about knowing Him more fully and realizing our purpose and calling in this life. It is our opportunity to be stretched even beyond the limits we perceive. It's about cutting out the noise to hear His stillness, to hear His soft whisper, beckoning us closer to Him.

Prayer is a Privilege

2009-06-28T19:20:00.003-04:00

In prayer I approach God with the hope of an answer, but not the expectation of one--meaning I have the faith that it will happen, but only happen according to God's will. I know there are times where I need an immediate answer, like in the instance with inquiring as to what me and TBW were “missing” out of our relationship. And God even answers the minor concerns and requests—like my mother using texting finally, so that I may communicate with her more readily! And when I prayed about having an extra car key and the dealership called me.

How much more will God answer the other things? What I also realize is that with the little time I spend praying, yet God is answering my prayers in a BIG way, how much more will I be able to do when I spend even more time with God, and even more time praying? Having my prayers answered encourages me that my words are just in vain, that He does listen and hear my requests, that He loves me enough to care to listen and care to act and to care so much about others as I do for me to pray on their behalf. I saw it with my former co-worker getting his name cleared, with TBW in being spiritually awakened, and many other minor things I have requested.

Having my prayers answered reminds me that it is truly a privilege to go to God in prayer, and so often we do not access what has been freely given to us. I am reminded of the hymn “What a Friend We Have in Jesus”:

“What a Friend we have in Jesus, all our sins and griefs to bear!
What a privilege to carry everything to God in prayer!
O what peace we often forfeit, O what needless pain we bear,
All because we do not carry everything to God in prayer.

Have we trials and temptations? Is there trouble anywhere?
We should never be discouraged; take it to the Lord in prayer.
Can we find a friend so faithful who will all our sorrows share?
Jesus knows our every weakness; take it to the Lord in prayer.

Are we weak and heavy laden, cumbered with a load of care?
Precious Savior, still our refuge, take it to the Lord in prayer.
Do your friends despise, forsake you? Take it to the Lord in prayer!
In His arms He’ll take and shield you; you will find a solace there.

Blessed Savior, Thou hast promised Thou wilt all our burdens bear
May we ever, Lord, be bringing all to Thee in earnest prayer.
Soon in glory bright unclouded there will be no need for prayer
Rapture, praise and endless worship will be our sweet portion there.”

So those things that are outstanding like my business, funding for school etc, are not so out of reach. And when I request prayers through the offering envelope, I believe that the intercessors are standing in agreement with my requests and laboring before the Lord.

Thank you God for the privilege!

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http://called2worship.files.wordpress.com/2009/06/prayer.jpg

It’s all about me—not!

2009-06-28T19:16:00.003-04:00

God is showing me that it’s not about me. Through an illustration about marriage God showed me that my spiritual life is not about me. He showed me that:

“Marriage is not about pleasing yourself. First and foremost it is about pleasing God. Secondly it is about pleasing the other person in the context of pleasing God. Thirdly it is often choosing to please the first two, without the possibility pleasing self.”

Ministry has to be similar to marriage in that we always must put God first for anything to work, then we must seek to serve other people, and then we must serve God and others, often over our own self interests and desires. That is what true service and true Love is toward others. But because our culture is so ingrained with only doing things for main purpose of personal pleasure and gain, we also approach our spiritual lives the same way.

Last Thursday I had an AWESOME day at work, had a lot of revelation and insight and was so much on fire for the Lord that I was getting to the point of being overwhelmed and overloaded. My intent was to stay home without going to Bible Study so that I could meditate and reflect on the Word after I sang praise songs. Then the Holy Spirit convicted me and I remember pastor and Bishop always saying that the only reason you may be at church sometimes is for someone else. Then I realized that someone might actually need the fire that I had within me, that God hadn’t ignited my flame and passion for my own self gratification, God ignited me so that I would be empowered to encourage those who did not have their own courage.

The whole point of assembling is to have the empowered stir up the powerless—so if those who already felt good and satisfied in the Lord just stayed home, only those who were downtrodden and distraught would be left in the church, and this is one of the reasons I believe the church today looks ragged and resembles the world because believers have forsaken the fellowship—it is in the fellowship of believers that we are empowered:

Hebrews 10:24-25 “And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds. Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching.”

This holds so true because I went and the spirit of heaviness clothed many that attended, and for those of us who were empowered, we came in agreement with the pastor as he prayed for those in need and it was an awesome example of standing in the gap and interceding for our brethren. Then we broke out in praise afterward, praising Him for someone else’s victory through it all. It was the awesome working together of the Lord.

Going to Bible study when I didn’t feel like it reminded me that it wasn’t about me and my own gain—so what if I don’t receive a revelatory message (I’m supposed to be in God’s face anyway), so what if there isn’t good music (I’m supposed to be praised up anyway), so what if I feel unfulfilled, so what? I am too old in the Lord to gage my level of participation in the church by my feelings, emotions, or even according to what I think I already know. Assembly is far beyond any of that.

If I go to church for no other reason, it is to support my brothers and sisters in Christ, offer encouragement, offer praise to those who cannot give it, offer thanksgiving for those who cannot see where to give thanks, to come in agreement in prayer, to stand in the gap, to empower, to spark—these are the reasons I should always go.

But again, our culture continually points us away from anything that does not bring personal pleasure and gain, anything that doesn’t address the “what’s-in-it-for-me” attitude. What God revealed to me a couple of weeks ago was that:

“Americans’ drive and culture is rooted in self-gratification. As a result selfish pursuit is the motivation behind everything—volunteering, love, and even spiritual pursuit. The do-whatever-makes-you-feel-good attitude and the do-things-only-because-they-make-you-feel-good attitude, results in fleeting pleasure and insatiable desire. This is the antithesis of serving others. Our lives are never our own. Everything we do should be with the goal of helping someone else—our jobs, the love we give, volunteering, and even spiritual pursuit. We should not pursue God for the purpose of our own spiritual enlightenment but to enlighten others.” 05.21.09

We should not pursue God selfishly but in the understanding that our personal relationship with God is totally not our own but for the sole purpose of spreading the Gospel, building the Kingdom, and unifying the body of Christ.

I thank God for this revelation and I wish more believers would have this revelation about their spiritual lives. How much more devoted would believers be in our walk with God if we realized that someone’s life and well-being depended on our faithfulness?

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Spiritual Fire

2009-06-28T19:10:00.003-04:00

I have to admit life has been very good lately. Not complaining is still sometimes a daily battle. But when I harp on the things of God, the things He’s doing in my life and in the lives of others, the things that He’s saying and speaking to me daily, the things that He reveals, it is AWESOME. It gives me the much needed boost to conquer all that I must accomplish in the secular because I feel very accomplished in the spiritual world.

Barely two months ago I was writing the entry “Spiritual Unrest” where I was wrestling with submitting to God. Now just last Thursday I experienced a fire in my inner man that I have not felt since before I left San Diego. I experience daily revelation and insight. I am excited about going to church, reading the Word, prayer etc. And I even have a new desire I never had before—my heart is truly desiring to serve at my church. While I have always wanted to help people, I never had the overwhelming desire to do it directly through my church ministries. I even felt myself saddened by the possibility of moving away from my church.

It is the greatest feeling! It is so exhilarating! I remember when it happened the first time after a women’s conference I attended where I felt the burn of God like fire within me. Now it is happening again. I feel like I am literally coming to life again. I can literally fell the hand of God moving at the core of my inner man and it fills me with unspeakable joy and excitement even though I don’t always know exactly what God is doing. All I know is that He is transforming for the better.

One of my resolutions this year was for God to really transform my heart. As I learn more about His heart and who He is, I desire to be more like Him and ask Him for a heart as His. I become a much more gentler and more caring person over the last few months, and it has been a challenge, but it is truly all about realizing what hasn’t worked in the past, then turning it over to God to show me how to do things differently so that I may finally get different results.

As I’ve said in the past I don’t ever want to go back to a dry land, the valley of dry bones. I never want to be in a place of spiritual famine. It is a rough place to be. I’m not sure if it is God’s intent to go through spiritually dry seasons or not, but I know it is very frustrating and disheartening when I do go through those times.
In addition to unspeakable joy, God speaks to me, answers me, gives me insight and revelation that make my synapses constantly fire up, so much so that I get filled up with His Word then feel the need to dispatch it through writing, through speaking, through unloading on someone else.

I get discouraged though when I realize not everyone is ready to hear everything. Not everyone is excited about everything. And not everyone has the attention span even for the things of God. Something that has been marinating in me for hours, I unload in seconds and this doesn’t always go over too well. I have to learn to pace myself and not dump everything on everyone all the time. This is hard to do, particularly since I feel like if I go to God, I am telling Him what He already knows—after all, He’s the one that gave it to me.

So sometimes I feel alone in my walk with God because I feel like my walk is too intense for most people. So now I am reminded of the real reason I ever started writing in the first place. I guess that this only confirms the fact that I really need to start writing more and start writing books. Because at least with a book, you can put it down and come back to it if it is overwhelming. I just hope that I don’t lose my fervor because people aren’t getting excited like I do about so many things. I just have to translate my excitement into my writing.

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http://www.hopeoc.org/wp-content/uploads/image/HolySpiritFire.jpg

God - The Experience

2009-06-28T19:01:00.003-04:00

A couple of weeks ago my girlfriend reminded me that:
“I am convinced that you cannot know God through reading about Him, knowing about Him, knowing others who know Him, hearing about Him or any third party method--you simply have to personally experience Him for yourself. Faith in just knowing of God is a good but it is an incomplete faith until you actually know Him for yourself.”

I was reminded that, in her sharing how God had transformed her life over the past 6 months since she started going to church, God can only be experienced to truly know God face to face.

Earlier this morning I remembered a dream that I had last night. The dream answered a question I asked after prayer on Monday when the pastor said one of the three things he wanted us to pray for is personal purity—and I asked God, what does purity really have to do with spirituality? So a man in my dream answered the question:
“If you only cleanse your spiritual vessel without cleaning your physical vessel you will always appear spiritually blotchy and blemished.”

I immediately thought of the quote about the church not having a wrinkle or spot when Jesus returned for it, so I looked up Ephesians 5:25-27: Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless.”

Through my dream and this scripture God had given me gentle correction about spirituality and purity going hand-in-hand. Never had I experienced such a gentle correction from God, even though I have fallen short many times in this area. I had known that God was slow to anger, that He was patient, kind, gentle, longsuffering, etc., but I had never really experienced that level of gentleness with God before, that level of Grace. I was in awe.

I was reminded of the same conclusion I came to in college: God is an Experience. Which basically means that I can witness and evangelize until I am blue in the face, and people may even show that they are convinced, but my witness and their convictions really have no lasting effect until someone is truly able to experience God for themselves, until the Word truly becomes flesh for them until they see God work and operate in their own lives—and I’ve been seeing a lot of God working on a very personal level in people’s lives. You cannot be convinced of the sovereignty of God until you see Him in action in your own life. So instead of solely praying for salvation Christians should pray for transformation by the individual, uniquely personal hand of God.

I am thoroughly convinced that I will serve no other gods but the Lord who is slow to anger, gentle, patient, and meets us on the deepest intimate level imaginable. Truly, who is like the Lord? Nobody, in all the Earth, no god comes close. No god knows me better. No god loves me more. If most people experienced this God, rather than the god they meet in Christians who lack love and the true grasp of the gospel, it would literally transform the world. Come taste world…come see…that He is good!

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The Great Awakening

2009-06-28T18:55:00.008-04:00

I am very much a late bloomer in many ways. I’ve never really had the major teen rebellion stage (although I did have pre-teen episodes)—didn’t get tattooed, extra piercings, never had anything more than a wine cooler before I turned 21, didn’t date, didn’t party, pretty much my entire childhood was spent going to school, doing school work, and the occasional extracurricular activity—pretty much uneventful unimaginative (except in my writing), and non-explorational.

And even for the things I could attend—like a sports game, I ended up really only going to one basketball game. I am aware that my life experiences, trauma, and devastation, weren’t things the average kid had to deal with, but it’s strange how I never felt like a kid. It seems I lived out many of my woman years as a child and as I approach the prime of my life, I am living out the childhood years that I never had or really desired.

I can summarize myself this way: imagine a woman trapped inside of a child who desires to be a child but her world is far too traumatic and difficult to be carefree, careless, rebellious—there was never any time for all of that. The irony is that I will start attending seminary in the fall—what a “fine” time to begin exploring the possibilities of life and living—if anything most people would do the opposite, thinking they’re a man of the cloth now so turn up the conservative, uptight, ultra religious persona because I am supposed to carry myself a certain way, talk a certain way etc. Don’t get me wrong, I know I must maintain my character, purity, and standing with God, but I’ve met too many uptight religious folks who lack spirituality and who covet rigid religiosity.

It seems like the older I get the LESS conservative I become, because I am starting to live out my life, and I am exploring truly living out the gospel—and living out the gospel, what little I’ve learned about the TRUE gospel in the last few months is WAY radical, down-to-Earth, socially rebellious, and religiously rebellious than what exists in many churches today. So as I grow and learn and explore, the more I look less like the world and less like the traditional Christian—the more I look like me, a slab of clay that God is trying to mold into something beautiful to be used to help people and transform the world.

I’m breaking a lot of my own life-long rules—going out on a school/work night, going to bars, wall climbing, zip lining, trying different drinks, going to Catholic Mass, etc, etc. And I’m not saying I’m going to break all of my “rules” or try everything because I think rules and structure are good, and I surely know that it isn’t right to try EVERYTHING under the sun. I am saying I am more open than ever to a lot of ideas and approaches at my age, which I think is actually pretty good timing for seminary because I need to have an openness to God, I need to be in a place where I can converse with people on their level and where they are instead of from my pedestal and my judgment.

So at 26 I am having my spiritual awakening, my womanhood awakening, my cultural awakening, myself awakening—everything is being awakened and stirred within me. Just as I wrote that last sentence I began chuckling to myself about my November 14th entry entitled “In Repair Part 2” when I described my “clarion call” from a train horn blaring at 3:16 a.m. I realized that God was awakening many things within me and within my relationship. WOW!

Less than a year later so many things have changed. So much has been reawakened within. It was literally like when Ezekiel spoke to valley of dry bones(Ezekiel 37:1-14)—I was in the valley and I was a set of the bones! The Word of God imparted breath into me to live again—He attached flesh to my dry bones and covered me with tendons and skin. He is building up the army, He is breathing hope into me again, He has put His Spirit in you to LIVE, He has opened my grave and is bring me back to Israel—how AWESOME is that?!! (I am refraining from running around in circles!) When you realize how much God is working in your life, what an AWESOME work He is doing within you, realizing that you are a work in progress that He is seeking to finish. WOW. It is so amazing.

And on top of that God is giving me “ a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh” (Ezekiel 36:26). Again, God is fixing me, making me new.

Why me? Why such an awesome work within me? What is this all leading too? I know one of the things it is leading to is teaching—today I realized and decided that I want to be a teacher when I “grow up.” LOL. I want to teach:

1. The Word of God
2. Healing and wholeness of the heart, mind, body, soul, spirit—whole being
3. Holistic Ministry, Outreach
4. Financial Stewardship & Credit
5. Cultural Preservation
6. The Arts & Ministry
7. Cultural Pride & Awareness
8. Entrepreneurship

Etc, etc!!! I really enjoy sharing my revelation, insight, knowledge, growth etc with other people who want to listen, who are open (and even the ones who don’t—it’s the take it or leave it attitude!).

I know I may come off as ultra cheesy, ingenuine, and trying WAY too hard, but for anyone who truly knows me, they would know how excited I get about revelation, healing, people’s lives being changed, my own life being transformed. I just want to see people free, not living in bondage any longer, living a life of joy despite the pain. I know that I’m not just being idealistic, I know it’s possible because I am a living example of what God can do. I just don’t think people really invest the time to be healed or help others overcome their brokenness.

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From Victim...to Victor

2009-06-08T22:53:00.014-04:00

Today I realized how much my whole perspective on life has changed solely from two Facebook questions I answered today in a survey (and mind you I normally don't even do these surveys but my friend's answers inspired me to complete it).

Q:If you could go back and change one thing you did, what would it be?
A:Although somethings I regret, I don't think I would change anything. I have learned from my mistakes.

Q:If you could go back and change one thing someone else did, what would it be?
A:While I could say the glaring obvious, I'm not sure if I'd even change that much, as crazy as that sounds. I don't think I'd be the person that I am today. I'd probably just be a shell of a person without everything I've been through.

Any other time I've seen these questions I would always think of minor things and major things I'd change in my life if I could. What was different about today was that I thought about the most heinous thing that has happened to me——my abuse. Then I asked myself, would I change that? Now for most people they would answer with a resounding YES! But for me today was different. Today I was bold enough (and perhaps crazy and radical enough) to say no, even that I wouldn't change. Right then, I realized that my entire perspective on life has officially changed for the best.

Embracing the Past
The process started months ago back in September (and later February) when I recognized the importance of embracing my past not as a Victim of life but as a Victor in life, including all the past hurt, pain, tragedy, trauma, disappointment etc. "Embracing" means realizing that all of the pain and suffering, though awful, has played a vital part in shaping the very best parts of who you are, and that without those painful things, you would not be the same person that you are today. Even in embracing your own mistakes, you again would not be the same person you are today without those mistakes. Of course all of us could sit down and dissect our lives and want to extract the unappealing parts, but in the dissection we'd also be removing the vital appealing parts that have formed around the pain and the tragedy.

A Life of Inspiration
Furthermore even if you don't think that any good came from it as far as shaping you positively, you still must realize that some things you go through can be for empowering others who are currently going through the same things. You can empower and guide them because you've already been there and know how to get through it, out to the other side. You essentially become a Victor to empower someone else to become victorious. And likewise you will encounter Victors in areas of your life you have yet to conquer who will help you through your situations.

Freedom and Victory in the Past, Present, and Future
Lastly choosing the victor perspective relieves you from the bondage and burden of your past. You are no longer a product of your past, but you are a byproduct from your past——meaning that your past is not who you are, but who you are is a direct result of the experiences from your past. You have victory over both your past and your future——because your past does not rule you. And your future——no matter what obstacles may arise——is a battle already won. The battle is already won because your approach in life is not the defeatist attitude of a victim, but the attitude of a champ who recognizes pain is not without reason and purpose. And that what was meant for evil can eventually turned around for good, even if that good is to only gain perspective on the bigger picture. Being a Victor means freedom.

Brokenness = Struggle
And even after I have said all of this and your pain still resonates with you, just always remember this much (something my friend inspired me to say):

"We live in a broken world,
we are broken people,
and we have to live our lives in the context of others who are broken,
which makes for a very messy situation,
that only God can redeem."

A few weeks ago I had an argument with TBW and in the midst of it told God "I don't want a half of a person, I want a WHOLE person!" God immediately gently rebuked me and reminded me that I myself wasn't a "whole" person, that I was still in the process of becoming "whole," and that I would never fully be "whole" in ALL areas of my life until my death. So the expectation that I would marry a "whole" person, even if it was not TBW, was completely unrealistic. Loving others (which includes forgiving others who have caused havoc in your life) is not by any means easier, and is further complicated by our brokenness. As soon as we realize that much of our life struggle is the direct result of brokenness, the easier it will be to live, to love others, to forgive others, to forgive yourself, to let go of the past, etc., all because you realize the inevitable contributing factor in life's woes: that we are all broken and in need of repair.

Maintaining Perspective, Changing Attitude
So when you look at the pain of your life and question "What good can come of this?"
--meditate on the qualities that have come from the pain,
--meditate on those you have inspired as a result of the pain (and if you haven't inspired anyone yet, work on doing so, but you first have to get to a place where you realize your life is inspirational),
--meditate on the freedom that comes with choosing Victor over Victim,
--meditate on the fact that we are all broken people looking for repair.

What it boils down to is a change of attitude and perspective. If we start viewing life as a grand plan instead of a series of disappointments life will have more purpose and meaning, and our disappointments will be minor against the bigger picture. And while you cannot always change the situation, if you change your perspective, it will influence the way in which you approach the situation, resulting in a different outcome. Choose to see life as a victory and you will be victorious.

What do we define as beauty?

2009-04-28T11:37:00.010-04:00

I was sympathetic when I first saw Susan Boyle from Britain's Got Talent, a show similiar to American Idol that also features Simon on the judges panel. My co-worker had already prepared me for the way that she looked and of course over exaggerated about how unattractive she was. So when I finally saw her I didn't think she was as "hideous" as everyone else saw her. And when I saw the clip again I realized that she wasn't a spectacular singer but was seen as such because her physical appearance was socially unacceptable.

Then my sympathy transformed into anger because now I was outraged because the only reason she even made it to the spot light was because her physical appearance did not meet invisible social standards in which we are all clearly judged. I realized just how disturbing it is that our society immediately dismisses someone because they don't fit invisible unrealistic standards of beauty.

A few days after Susan Boyle made international appeal (which I think by the way was planned with putting her on the show in the first place), I came across a message about beauty by Carolyn Mahaney. Carolyn Mahaney opened up her speech by pointing out how much celebrities spent to maintain their beauty including Jennifer Aniston who spends at least $20,000 a month on beauty between a personal chef, spa treatments etc.

What's even more sickening is that many media outlets spend time airbrushing celebrities and models to the point of "perfection" and even swaping body parts. So today we are not only limited by our incomes to try to be beautiful like models and celebrities, but even if we did have the money and resources to become like them, we'd ultimately try to attain the unattainable since graphic designers have not yet figured out how to make airbrushing work in real life.

Jean Kilborn author of "Can’t Buy My Love: How Advertising Changes the Way We Think and Feel," said in an NPR interview that “the image of beautiful today has only become more tyrannical and more perfect than ever before...[the major reason for this is the] advent of computer retouching."

Mahoney elaborates: "it’s more than retouching, it’s a digital altering of the image so that they can now take a model and make a composite woman. The pressure on girls which has always existed for a long time, is now worse than ever because the ideal image now is so completely inhumanly impossible to achieve.” So in essence we are not striving to be like real people, only composites of people.

What good does obessesing over our beauty actually do for us? Are we looking for the euphoria that we see in commericials and advertisements where the women and men look so joyous that they spent ____ amount of money on their clothes? Used a certain product for their hair?

What is interesting is that Halle Berry even realizes beauty is superficial and meaningless when looking at the whole picture. "...Being thought of as a beautiful woman has spared me nothing in life. No heartache, no trouble, love has been difficult. Beauty is essentially meaningless and it is always transitory." Obsession over beauty is vanity.

Proverbs 31:30 says "Charm is deceitful and beauty is vain, But a woman who fears the LORD, she shall be praised." Mahoney points out that the Hebrew word "vain" literally a breath or puff of air. Mahoney suggests that this does not mean that we shouldn't spend time on taking care of ourselves because our bodies are the temple of God (1 Corinthians 6:19-20).

She suggests instead focusing on trusting God, having a quiet spirit, submission, putting your hands to the work of the Lord, adorning yourself with works, versus costly apparel--this is what true beauty is defined as.

Also, we have to look to where beauty originates from. Genesis 1:26-27 talks about how we were created in the image of God. So then is God ugly when someone does not meet social beauty standards? Of course not. God doesn't pick and choose some to be beautiful according to our standards. How beautiful are we in comparison to God's standards? How beautiful are we in our hearts? (1 Samuel 16:7). If we are ruled by Earthly standards we will always fall short no matter how hard we try, not just to be beautiful, successful, social--we would fall short in any facet of our lives with social and worldly standards. Who are we to judge standards set by people?

Susan Boyle is no different from the next person, she too was created in the image of God. Who are we to say and think differently? Who are we to criticize? Who are we to "sympathize" with the fact that she doesn't meet our standards? What is really in our own hearts? The saying goes that we only despise and hate others when they have elements that we hate within our own selves. Do we sympathize with Susan Boyle because of the beauty that we lack? Because of our own insecurities of not meeting someone else's standards?

We should not only be mindful of the standard of beauty we set others to, but also the standard of beauty in which we hold ourselves.

The Restoration of MKB

2009-04-18T19:15:00.032-04:00

My whole life I never once truly believed in the statement "The Best is Yet to Come." After all, how can anything good come from all of the pain, tragedy, disappointment, frustration, and misfortunes? What good can come from evil? If God is truly the maker of joy, if He is the finisher, why does He allow such a horrible beginning sometimes? I still do not completely understand why we are sent through the fire sometimes, I know it is for refining and to extract the impurities; I know that you don't just go through things for the sake of going through--and 9 times out of 10 you are only going through because you are called to help someone else who is struggling. I think many people's lives won't really make any sense at all until God draws back the curtain so that we can see the entire picture. This is why I had such a hard time believing that the best is yet to come.

Today is the day that I realized and received the fact that it truly only gets better and better with time. I realize that every day will not be spectacular and will not always go according to plan, will not always seem productive, will not always seem beautiful to my standards, but is still another day, still better than my past, still better than the last because I am learning and growing, becoming humbled, learning to walk in love, to serve in love, to radiate love, to grow closer to God, to operate totally and completely in him.

Another reason that I was not able to believe this was because I had put all of my faith and trust in myself to make me happy by my own decisions and choices in my own life. It wasn't until I stopped pursuing my own everything and started pursing God's Will that I realized I could only make myself so happy with my limited perspective of my own life, with my limited wisdom and insight, with my opinions, wants, emotions, and desires that flip with the blowing of the wind--only God's stable, unchanging, insightful, well thought-out and planned life for me is the only guarantee I have in my lifetime to experience true joy, peace, and fulfillment.

I have giving up all hope of making my own life better--even in my best efforts mine cannot compete with God's effort (which is effortless!). I can never make up for the pain and the tragedy. I can never make up for the loss. All of my efforts would be in vain and I would wind up feeling incomplete.

Even in my efforts to make sure I put my gifts and talents to good use, those come up short. Earlier today I complained about God waking me up at all hours giving me extensive business ideas--but what I realized with the idea that He gave me this morning, the idea is a compilation of many of the major things that I love the most. And also those very things that I say I hate now, God reminds me how much I loved them at one point, and He restores the joy and the beauty of my hunger.

So begins the restoration process. While He has healed me, He is working on making me WHOLE. You can experience being healed of brokenness, God can very well put you back together again so that you are fully functioning again, however that does not remove the cracks and the scars that are left behind from the broken pieces. God has to then go over you again, this time smoothing out the rough edges, mending the cracks, truly restoring you to your pre-brokenness.

The dictionary's definition of restoration is "bringing back to a former position or condition." The Bible's use of the Greek words mean "to set in order", " to give back" and "to mend, to furnish completely." WOW. Just think of when people restore their antiques, or museums restore artwork, or ancient ruins--it is all so that we can see what it was originally created to be, to view the creator's intent, to view the creator's beauty. WOW.

One of my favorite songs by Donald Lawrence is "Healed":

...Had some sunshine, some rain,
Heartache and some pain,
I'm healed, Oh I'm Healed!

My God has touched me, delivered,
He set my soul free!
My heart is mended, I'm whole again,
No chains are holding me!
Got my liberty I am Healed!
I am Healed, I'm Healed Today!

In "Healed" he does mention "may have some scars, I'm still healed," which I had already decided when I began this journey that I did not want any scars. I wanted to be healed to the point that you could not tell I had gone through the fire--I always wanted to be a physical testimony of what God could do. Ironically this song is at the very beginning of the CD. Towards the end of the CD there is another song "Restoring the Years." This is the song that I immediately thought of today--before today I didn't fully believe that it was possible. That life could truly be better. Not until I realized that God really does have my best interest in mind and that He has laid out a plan that is so awesome that I could not even fathom it:

Lend me your ears thus said the Lord
And know that my word, will not return void
Your time I sustained, there's no need to fear,
I'm restoring the years you've sown in tears
Restoring the years you've sown in tears

I am the Author, writer of time
No matter how long, things will work out just fine
Deposit this word, there's no need to fear
I'm restoring the years you've sown in tears
Restoring, the year's you've sown in tears.

Lift up you hands, receive from the Lord
Your broken spirit, receive from the Lord
Deposit this word, there's no need to fear
I'm restoring the years you've sown in tears
Restoring, the year's you've sown in tears.

I'm Healing you,
(Everything that you've been through God said I'm healing you)
I'm Healing you,
(Every broken place, every wounded space the Lord says I'm healing you...)
I'm Healing you (Repeat)

I'm restoring the years you've sown in tears
Restoring, the year's you've sown in tears.

The song truly says it all for me. I've been "tried in the fire and I'm coming out gold." The way that the world is, the way that we are was never God's original desire for our lives--God wants so much more for us, even more than we could ever want for our own selves. I want to be what God intended for me to be. I want to begin to see the world as God's original design--in all of its beauty, glory, and awe.

Donald Lawrence "The Best is Yet to Come"

Hold on, my brother,
Don't give up
Hold on, my sister,
Just look up
There is a master plan
In store for you
If you just make it through

God's gonna really
Blow your mind
He's gonna make it
Worth your time
for all of the trouble
You've been through
The blessings doubled
Just for you

The best is yet to come

Today is the first day
Of the best days of
Your life

You ain't seen nothing yet

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How Can God Allow Human Suffering?

2009-04-13T17:49:00.029-04:00

After watching the documentary The Devil Rides on Horseback, which displayed the atrocities and genocide occurring in the Darfur region of the Sudan, I couldn't help but ask the age old question:

Q: If there is a God (and I believe that there is), how can God allow human suffering?

I have asked God this question in the past just like many other people have, but it wasn't until yesterday that that answer really registered with me:

A: God is not in the flesh, we are. Therefore the real question is how can we stand by and allow human suffering?

Our Responsibility to Shine
In No Greater Love by Mother Teresa she does not talk about how God has allowed for human suffering. Instead she places the responsibility back onto people saying that the world is in an awful state mainly from the lack of love. She says that Christians who fail to uphold the greatest commandment to love, are the ones creating darkness in the world. We are the vessels that God uses to pour His love into, but many of us end keeping His love selfishly for ourselves, never sharing it with the rest of the world.

Mother Teresa illustrates from the Bible that Christians are the light of the world (John 1:1-14; 12:45-46; Matt 5:14-16), and God is the source to produce that light. She says that if we do not allow God to fill us "we refuse to be used and allow darkness to spread." So no longer is the responsibility on God, but on us to be obedient and serve God and His people. If we don't spread love we inadvertently spread darkness.

What We Can Do for God vs. What God Can Do for Us
The other reason that I believe human suffering exists because humans, particularly Americans are obsessed with self gratification--spending their entire lives finding ways of making their own lives better with little disregard for others. That self gratification also spills over into our relationship with God as well--suddenly our religious beliefs become about what God can do for us, how He can help us, how He can bless us, instead of finding out what we can do for God. I realize that our relationship with God should very much be like the true meaning of marriage:

"Marriage is truly making the decision to share in helping someone else grow in THEIR lives and loving THEM unconditionally, with the HOPE rather than the expectation of ever receiving anything in return, each day and everyday for the rest your life....You cannot completely understand the concept of marriage until you take yourself out of it—until you remove your needs and desires out of it. When you take those things away, that is a marriage. ...When we enter into marriage we truly have to enter into it without ourselves..."

This is how our relationship with God must be. We must remove ourselves from the equation. I realize that much of my spiritual dissatisfaction is because I am only thinking of myself and what God has or has not done for me rather than what I have or have not done for him.

Serving without an Agenda
In our service to God we must also remove ourselves from the equation. A self-less love is also going without our own agenda. Recently read an article on Crosswalk.com about how 13 different aid organizations were thrown out of Darfur however some Christian organizations were allowed to stay:

“I think the reason we are still in Darfur has less to do with Franklin Graham’s connections with al-Bashir and more to do with the spirit of Christians...Christians come in as humble servants, not necessarily to covert the people, but because the love of Christ compels us to relieve physical suffering, then perhaps eventually, their soul’s suffering...The government knows we are not there for a power grab but helping in the name of Christ. We have not been threatened in any way.”
(Kimberly Smith, president of Make Way Partners)

Too often American Christians, and Americans in general go to offer help with their own agendas--why does helping people have to be political? God does not call us to help based upon politics. God does not call us to help to rebel against foreign goverments--God simply calls us to help, to serve, and to love. We have to remove ourselves from the equation.

Contrary to popular believe Christians spreading God's love does NOT mean spreading the Gospel, in fact you may not even get to ever share the Gospel when you are helping people. A Christian's lifestyle should be led in such a way, should be full of selfish service in such a way that there are no words needed. Love is an action word--simply telling people they are loved does not prove anything.

More and more Christians are realizing that God's call to love is to help the economically and physically impoverished, even before we think about spiritual poverty. If we over look someone's economic condition we have just missed the whole point of Christ and His message. Look at all of the people that Jesus healed and helped--how often did He actually extensively talk about God? Jesus showed people God and God's love for Him. He didn't have to use words to convey that. Likewise we should show people God more than we tell people about Him.

"You are the light of the world. A city on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven." (Matt 5:14-16)

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Photo by Svenja Kuehnel/MSF

Spiritual Unrest

2009-04-11T03:09:00.023-04:00

The last couple of weeks for me have been turbulent. I always forget that when you make an attempt to get more intimate with God, you can never remain the same. It is virtually impossible. Flesh can't see God and live. God doesn't kill you all at once because it could send you into cardiac arrest, but what He does do is strip back the layers one by one and sometimes many layers at once--so just when you think you're in the clear as far as your mess, God unlocks another trap door that has more of your junk tucked away.

It is not easy to have God reveal our faults, let alone someone else. God really knows how to jack you up and get all in your business (yes that is technical spiritual lingo LOL). Growing up is painful, annoying, awkward and unsettling. And while it is all those things, I actually like being uncomfortable in my walk with God--because discomfort indicates growth. God is constantly shaping me to look more and more like Him. He is truly the potter and I am the clay. Could you imagine if real clay could speak when it was being molded and shaped into a pot? It would probably squeal horribly and repeatedly resent its maker, but later marvel at the complete work. I want to see the complete work at the end of my life. I want my Maker to be pleased with His creation. I want my Maker's blueprints of my life to be manifested.

Spiritual Rebellion
One of my biggest spiritual problems is submission. I am rebellious, stubborn, pigheaded, argumentative, uncooperative, unyielding, and a reign of terror when it comes to getting my way. While I will do what people ask of me I rebel, resent, and despise in my heart--this is not submission. Bishop illustrated it clearly one time: If you tell a child a hundred times to sit down and on the last time he finally obeys, yet is still standing in his heart--he is not submitting, he is simply obeying with his actions and not with his being. It is the same as not obeying at all because there is still the sense of rebellion and stubbornness present. I am that child who has remained standing in my heart.

In order to submit, you must have a willingness to obey even if you don't agree with or like something. Submission with God is allowing His will to be done in my life. At Palmer Theological Seminary's ministries conference I attended in early March, one of the prayers we prayed was: God, your will of my life. Nothing more. Nothing less. Nothing else. And the director of admissions warned us to only pray that prayer if we meant it. I did pray it but I wasn't expecting God to create havoc in my life.

Submission = Holiness
I am currently reading Mother Teresa's book No Greater Love. I came across the chapter on being holy and was stunned by her statement: "Submission, for a person who loves, is more than a duty; it is the secret of holiness." So before I can even count myself as holy I have to submit and yet before I can do that I have to love. If my desire is to be holy I have to will it. And because that desire is truly of God and not of my own natural inclination then I have to recognize that "holiness consists of carrying out God's will with joy." In order to do God's will I must submit. Mother Teresa goes on to say:

"The words 'I want to be holy' mean: I will divest myself of everything that is not of God; I will divest myself and empty my heart of material things. I will renounce my own will, my inclinations, my whims, my fickleness; and I will become a generous slave to God's will...it all depends on the words: 'I want' or "I do not want.' I have to pour all of my energy into the words 'I want'."

Again, it is all about submission--it is not about my will but His.

While I have taking the first step in submitting by going to seminary and not continuing to run away from God's call, I have a lot to work on in terms of receiving God's entire will for my life. God doesn't only require submission in one event or one aspect of our lives, He requires it in every aspect, including our submission to leaders, spouses, bosses, and in serving others. Submission also includes returning good when people treat us with evil. It is loving enemies. It is refusing revenge. Submission is rooted in love.

Submission = Uncertainty
I think what I dislike the most about submission is the huge element of uncertainty. True submission means that you are relinquishing all of your control. It means that you are putting God (and anyone else) in the pilot seat. It means that you are going to trust God's judgment (and in the instance of people, you are to trust the God in them). I admit that I am a control freak and an avid planner because I like to be aware of what is going on. While I enjoy elements of surprise, I don't want my entire life to be a surprise.

In the movie Fireproof the little girl in the beginning asked her mother "Who am I going to marry?" And her mother answered "It's a surprise." And while I thought it was extra cute, I didn't really think anything more of it. But what I realize is that while I wouldn't say God wants our entire lives to be a "surprise" He does expect that we trust that He will guide us, that He will be our lamp, that He will illuminate our path even when we cannot see ahead.

God doesn't always leave us "in the dark" about things, but there are definitely times in our lives where God doesn't give us clear cut directions because He is wanting us to simply wait on Him for the answers in His timing, or because He wants us to trust Him when there is so clear plan laid out, or for whatever other reason He chooses. What I learned from the ministries conference is that uncertainty is okay. We are are conditioned our entire lives to have all the answers and when we don't have the answers we are told to make up something. We are rarely told to wait on and trust in God. And it can be years before He gives us the answers or in some cases He has already given us the answers but we haven't submitted ourselves to His response or simply thought our way of doing things was better.

And sometimes He delays our answers because we aren't ready to submit--for example I moved to Philly two years ago and wanted to know why God sent me here. He sent me to Philly for a number of reasons. However He didn't reveal that I was supposed to go to seminary until a month ago--after all just last year around this time I was journaling about how I refused to be in ministry and dealing with people's problems. I was not ready to submit a year ago to that calling.

It has taken more than two years of conditioning, more than four years after college and trying to make my own way in this world to realize that my way stinks and always has and that I want something far greater than I can ever achieve or plan for myself. I have learned that God has had plans for my life even before the world was created--God has been in the planning business an eternity before I even came into existence, why not trust that He has so much more for me? Why not submit to His will? My way has failed time and time again?

Submission = Struggle
It is not easy, even when we know that we have failed, there is a self-centered and fleshly part of us that tries to convince ourselves that we can make it without God and that if you try long enough and hard enough life will eventually work out on your behalf. We have to counteract every single year we have served ourselves in order to be able to serve God. I have served myself for 25 years--it just may take at least 25 to be able to serve God without my agenda attached (though I hope not! I do realize though that it just may be a life long process).

It is also a constant struggle until our fleshly inclinations completely die, until our know-it-all syndrome is annihilated. We think we know what is best for us--but what we think is our "best interest" changes with the blowing of the wind. God showed me a perfect example of this after I went to China. I told God that I didn't have a desire to go to China, but Japan and I didn't understand why He was sending me to China instead. Well after the trip, which ended up being one of the best experiences of my life thus far, He recalled a conversation I had with an international student while I was still at college. The student was from China and we talked a lot about the culture there and she even shared music with me. I was enamoured and desired to teach English there--God had to replay the tape for me to realize that it was in fact what I wanted--I had completely forgotten, and even if it had not been my actual desire to visit, I was still intrigued with the culture. So God calling me to serve there was not random, nor was it an anomaly--it was actually something I desired. And as a result I discovered my love and skill for teaching which caused me to pursue my current job that eventually led me to Philadelphia.

But even in the things we don't want to do, don't desire, or don't feel like doing, those things are always for our benefit and our growth. God just doesn't call us to places and people for the sake of doing so. He always has a purpose, even when we don't see it and may in fact never see it until we stand before Him and He shows us the bigger picture. He does not ask us to submit with the knowledge of why we are doing so, but just submitting to be obedient, to carry out His will, and to serve. There is no certainty in submission except knowing that you are pursuing complete fulfillment in what God has for your life. You may not know how you are serving God or His people in your submission but that point is that you are serving Him, you are being obedient, and that you are manifesting the maker's blueprints in the Earthly realm with the promise of your whole life having a purpose in God's overall plan.

"...Lord, make me a channel of thy peace, that where there is hatred, I may bring love; that where there is wrong, I may bring the Spirit of forgiveness; that where is discord I may bring Harmony; that where there is error, I may bring Truth; that where there is doubt, I may bring Faith; that where there is despair, I may bring Hope; that where there are shadows, I may bring Light; that where there is sadness, I may bring Joy.

"Lord, grant that I may seek rather to comfort, than be comforted, to understand, than to be understood, to love, than to be loved, for it is by forgetting self that one finds, it is by forgiving that one is forgiven, it is by dying that one awakens to eternal life."

-Daily Prayer of the Co-workers of Mother Teresa. Adapted from the Prayer of Saint Francis. Quoted from No Greater Love by Mother Teresa.

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image http://www.andrewandkrista.com/verticalwriting/godswill.htm

"Macho" Man

2009-03-25T20:12:00.013-04:00

Many women ask why can't men just "man up" and deal with their issues?

Uh...because they can't--or at least many of them haven't been equipped to be able to do so.

Society conditions a man to be physically and financially strong, but shuns emotional strength. This is why when men start to complain and gripe about issues with their past, family, relationships etc., women want them to simply suck it up and "man up" just like society tells them to do. As women, we were born to innately deal with our emotions and our issues. So by the time we're adults we are pros at it and have developed a resilient inner strength.

So when we encounter men who are emotional messes, we don't offer empathy or grace--we offer the "deal with it (like I have)" attitude. Should some guys just "get over it"? Yes because some are just complainers who don't take charge in their lives. But I feel that many men have serious emotional problems that stem from their family, history, relationships, experiences etc--issues that compound themselves over the years because they've been told not to deal with it. Then suddenly years of suppressed feelings suddenly bubble and spew out like a geyser and their feelings affect every aspect of their life.

As women encounter these men they do one of 3 things:

1. Jump Ship -- why stay with an "incompetent" man who acts worse than a woman?

2. Become a Crutch -- what starts as support ends up as emotionally hemorrhaging as a woman tries to pull her own weight and his. So instead of helping him to help himself through his issues, she tries to work through his issues form him. This is emotionally draining, and I believe wholeheartedly if you continue to drain yourself it will literally suck all the life out of you.

3. Become a Support -- far different from being a crutch. A woman who helps a man who is willing to help himself. She gives him the tools necessary to work through his problems on his own while giving him the grace and security he needs to do so.

So women do have to give men some grace because if we don’t we are just perpetually endorsing the vicious cycle. The problem with women is that we want it both ways—a man who is “macho” but also a man who is sensitive. Guys need to find a happy medium and we need to help them see what emotional strength is.

I am interested in hearing other people's thoughts on this topic.

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pic http://images.teamsugar.com/files/upl1/0/3362/35_2008/stk31328mls_0.jpg

"god" Has Failed Us Part 3 - "You Can't Take it With You"

2009-03-25T19:34:00.010-04:00

This morning I read Psalm 49 which talks about those who are foolish to only store up the riches of this world rather than the riches of God--and the Psalm not only speaks to the rich, but even the poor, anyone who places their trust in money: "Hear this, all you peoples; listen, all who live in this world, both low and high, rich and poor alike" (verses 1-2).

The rest of the verses truly speak for themselves.

Psalm 49
1 Hear this, all you peoples; listen, all who live in this world,

2 both low and high, rich and poor alike:

3 My mouth will speak words of wisdom;
the utterance from my heart will give understanding.

4 I will turn my ear to a proverb;
with the harp I will expound my riddle:

5 Why should I fear when evil days come,
when wicked deceivers surround me-

6 those who trust in their wealth
and boast of their great riches?

7 No man can redeem the life of another
or give to God a ransom for him-

8 the ransom for a life is costly,
no payment is ever enough-

9 that he should live on forever
and not see decay.

10 For all can see that wise men die;
the foolish and the senseless alike perish
and leave their wealth to others.

11 Their tombs will remain their houses forever,
their dwellings for endless generations,
though they had named lands after themselves.

12 But man, despite his riches, does not endure;
he is like the beasts that perish.

13 This is the fate of those who trust in themselves,
and of their followers, who approve their sayings.
Selah

14 Like sheep they are destined for the grave,
and death will feed on them.
The upright will rule over them in the morning;
their forms will decay in the grave,
far from their princely mansions.

15 But God will redeem my life from the grave;
he will surely take me to himself.
Selah

16 Do not be overawed when a man grows rich,
when the splendor of his house increases;

17 for he will take nothing with him when he dies,
his splendor will not descend with him.

18 Though while he lived he counted himself blessed—
and men praise you when you prosper-

19 he will join the generation of his fathers,
who will never see the light of life.

20 A man who has riches without understanding
is like the beasts that perish.

Marriage - So What is the Point? Part 2

2009-03-25T09:34:00.004-04:00

About a month ago I wrote part 1 of this entry, throwing out all of the things that marriage is not. And when I got to the end of the blog, I wasn’t left with much of what marriage is. Since then I also realize that marriage isn’t finding contentment in the other person because if you can’t find contentment in your own life as a single person, there is no way marriage is going to make you happy, and there is no way your spouse is always going to make you happy.

The conclusion I came to this morning is that, ALL of the reasons I listed as to why many people get married all relate back to selfishness—it all relates back to what your spouse can offer YOU rather than what YOU can offer your spouse. This is why marriage is destroyed for many people—because going into it they were solely thinking about their OWN needs rather than the needs of the other person.

You cannot completely understand the concept of marriage until you take yourself out of it—until you remove your needs and desires out of it. When you take those things away, that is a marriage. So when divorcees immediately blame their spouse for not meeting their needs and desires—their argument is unjust because the REAL blame should be placed on themselves. Marriage is truly making the decision to share in helping someone else grow in THEIR lives and loving THEM unconditionally, with the HOPE rather than the expectation of ever receiving anything in return, each day and everyday for the rest your life. WOW. I think if most people really understood this concept, hardly anyone would glorify marriage as they do because this concept heaps all the responsibility of sustaining a marriage on each individual—not solely based on how the other person can satisfy you.

Marriage, as we know it, is glorified to be this wonderful union where YOU get all of your needs met, and if YOUR needs aren’t met then it is grounds for divorce. But as usual, God calls us to be the opposite of what the world considers good, decent, and justifiable. This is why marriage truly is a supernatural relationship, even if you do not believe in God, because it truly transcends all selfishness, all desires, all needs—it transcends it all because you are called to serve this other person. Even when you say the vows like “for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health” etc. you are committing yourself to life long devotion to that person no matter what happens and no matter if you never receive anything else in return. That type of devotion is intensely unselfish and unconditional—this is why marriage is one of the truest forms of the agape love in which Jesus commands to love everyone, even our enemies.

When we enter into marriage we truly have to enter into it without ourselves. The only things we should ever enter a marriage with are agape love and God, because at the end of the day only God can give us the enduring and steadfast strength to truly keep our commitment to our spouse.

This is why the concept of marriage cannot be understood in a selfish mind because our entire society breeds us to be selfish in every aspect of our lives and most things that we do in our lives are for self gratification and to gratify our flesh. With this mentality, most people enter into marriage and expect the self gratification that they have received their whole lives. And when that gratification is not received, then they retract their commitment. WOW.

The call to love is even greater than I once thought.

And the call to marriage is even greater.

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"I'm Souled Out!"

2009-03-12T08:42:00.017-04:00

About six weeks ago I was struggling with the fact that I have always known Earth is not my home. This is why for years the song "The Beautiful Let Down" has resonated so much with me. One of the scriptures God has always taken me back to is John 17:15-19 where Jesus is praying for the disciples:

"My prayer is not that you take them out of the world but that you protect them from the evil one. They are not of the world, even as I am not of it. Sanctify them by the truth; your word is truth. As you sent me into the world, I have sent them into the world. For them I sanctify myself, that they too may be truly sanctified."

God has constantly reminded me that I am not here for myself and that my purpose here is not just to die and go to heaven. My purpose here is to serve. And while God has told me this repeatedly, it wasn't until this weekend when I accepted God's call for my life no matter what it looks like. Then yesterday, bubbling over with excitement about my new decision, I decided that I want to completely devote my entire life to God until I leave this earth.

I also had a revelation that Bishop has said on more than one occasion that she wants to return to God "empty," meaning that she would have been so submissive to God, so yielding, so willing, so obedient, that God would utilize all of her talents and gifts to their full capacity in order to further the Kingdom and change lives. I now have that same desire. I am tired of seeing my talents, resources, and gifts idle and going to waste, or even being used but not to help and really affect people's lives. I know that God, the giver of these gifts and talents, will make awesome use of them with nothing going to waste because He has plans on how to make use of me, all He wants me to do is yield and be obedient.

It is so funny because since I was a teenager I have been saying by 26 years old my life would really begin—I would probably be married, probably have at least one book under my belt, would just be starting a family, maybe have more than one degree—the whole nine yards. Here I am with 26 right around the corner yet I have seen none of those things come to pass. But I was right about my life really beginning—my life is truly beginning because I have chosen God's will over my own. I have chosen to go on a journey with God to serve Him, to serve His people, and to be used by Him for His glory and for the Kingdom.

So six weeks ago if God had lined up all of the Christians and asked who wanted to go to Heaven immediately, I would have been one of the first ones in the line. But now that I have decided to be "souled out" to God—"My heart is fixed, my mind's made up No room, no vacancies, I'm all filled up," (Hezekiah Walker & LFC - Souled Out 2008)—I want to be the very last Christian in line. I want to be used to my fullest capacity. I want to serve God with my all. And I do not want to leave this Earth until that comes to pass because I have too much to do for God. People's lives are too important for me to leave this Earth without helping anyone and truly loving people with agape love.

What I realize more and more each day and that everything comes back to love—even obedience because Jesus said "If you love me you, you will keep my commandments"(John 14:15) and if you love Him you will feed His sheep (John 21:15-17). I also realize more and more each day that Christians commit a great injustice in terms of following Christ because we don't really know what that means and how great and involved that the call to salvation, the call to love, and the call to follow Christ, really are. We believe that we can get away with living our lives minimally involved with God just because we are saved—that going to church, getting baptized, reading the Word etc are "good enough."

What if all Christians starting asking the question "Is Salvation alone really good enough?" What if salvation isn't good enough? If we have salvation only we never grow up in Christ and we will never fully experience God to the extent that we could here on Earth. I have to work on re-learning what it truly means to follow Christ.

Now I realize what the song below is really saying. We sung this song in the gospel choir I was part of in college:

God's Will Is What I Want
by: Ricky Dillard & "New G" (New Generation Chorale)

God's will is what I want for my life
I'll do what you want me to do
I'll say what you want me to say
I'll go where you want me to go
God's will is what I want for my life

I'll give up every fault
I'll sing your praise forevermore
I'll be what you want me to be
God's will is what I want for my life

WOW. Doing God's will means being obedient to what He says, being who God has called you to be. We have to really embrace God's will and follow Him in every aspect of our lives, holding nothing back. When I attended the ministries conference this weekend one of the prayers we said was:

"God, Your will for my life. Nothing more. Nothing less. Nothing else."

Whatever God's will looks like I am devoted to truly following Him to the ends of the Earth and being content no matter what He requires of me. I know one of the issues I have is discontentment in my relationships and in life and I have asked God for help in this area for myself. Little did I know that help in this area would enable me to follow God wholeheartedly. God is looking for my obedience and willingness which includes being content.

So in essence this is what I am saying to God. In Isaiah 6:8 the question is asked: "Whom shall I send? And who will go for us?" I am the one answering the question: "Here I am [Lord]! Send me!"

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pic http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_Ga0LjUfiNBg/R9A7qvRL_uI/AAAAAAAAASk/3EA3vEnUvE0/s1600-h/Following+Christ.jpg

Remedy for the Brokenhearted

2009-03-04T08:40:00.015-05:00

A broken heart is messy, painful, and dreadful. When you have one the days seem to drag into eons and the pain doesn't seem to subside. Crying seems to help to a certain degree. Pouring out your emotional guts helps but only drains you and soon you get tired of hearing your own sob-story. Toughening up or hardening your heart seems to work, but doing that only cloaks the mess, it doesn't really get rid of it. So what is the key in getting rid of a broken heart?

Time. Healing. Forgiveness. God.

Time.

You have to realize that what you are going through isn't going to last the remainder of your life although it seems that way. The only way it will last your entire life is if you allow it to. Depending on the depth, length, and nature of the relationship will depend on how long it will take. If it was just another boyfriend/girlfriend it may take from a few days to a few months. If it is divorce from a spouse that may take years to heal. What you have to realize is that what you are going through is just a season, not a lifetime (Ecclesiastes Ch. 3).

Healing.

As I mentioned before hardening your heart and removing yourself completely from love forever is unrealistic and only buries the wounds. It doesn't heal them. One of the first steps to healing is really acknowledging how someone wronged you. When I wrote down 7 ways my ex wronged me, I was genuinely surprised at how much I was hurting and how deep the wounds were. Once you acknowledge how you were wronged, you now know what you need to be healed from.

The second part and the hardest part of this is acknowledging how you wronged the other person. If your list is a lot shorter than how they've wronged you, it probably isn't the entire truth. This will take some major brainstorming. If you still come up short ask God what you are missing--He is the only neutral party that was watching the whole relationship. Once you acknowledge your own faults, you now know many of the things you need to work on.

You learn a lot from this period of time--about yourself, about the other person. A lot of ugliness will be illuminated and you will have many epiphanies, revelations, heart aches, moments of self realization etc. because now you have perspective.

Forgiveness.

This is also a difficult part that most people skip because the only thing they've focused on is how they were wronged. It is very dangerous to skip this step because you will never be completely healed--your heart will be left with big ugly scars that will play a role in your next relationship and years later you will still harbor anger.

You have to forgive the person who wronged you whether or not they even acknowledge that they hurt you. Forgiveness is not solely for the other person to feel good, it is mainly for you to be free of anger, hurt, and resentment. You will never forget what someone has done to you, but you can forgive so that you can release the pain associated with it.

You have to forgive yourself as well. You will never completely heal until you also forgive yourself. You will walk around with guilt, condemnation and shame. Once you forgive yourself you also have to stop acting like a victim and start living your life again.

You also have to ask for forgiveness from God because even though you may feel you've illuminated all of wrongs you've done, you still have to be forgiven and there still may be somethings that you don't realize you've done.

God.

One scripture I have always held on to since I discovered it in undergrad is: "He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds" (Psalm 147:3). You can go through all of the steps above and be healed, but it doesn't necessarily mean that your brokenness will be make WHOLE. Having a broken heart, makes you broken--if you skip the step of allowing God to make you whole, you will always have gaping cracks in your character and in your life. Being made WHOLE is having everything that was lost in your brokenheartedness to be restored. It is being healed without scars--living as though you never even had a broken heart.

God will also help you through the entire process of getting through this time in your life. I didn't understand why I felt embraced by God as soon as the relationship ended until this morning when I read: "The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit" (Psalm 34:18). Now this makes sense why I felt like God moved me under His protective wing and I've spent the last two months getting reacquainted with God.

Out of the steps listed above I am definitely on the healing part (it's taken me two months to get there!). I am realizing how I was wronged and where I need to be healed. I also realize that I will need God's intervention to really find out how I wronged him. I know of a couple of things but I realize that I really don't know the half of what he's feeling.

So you are not going to die (although it feels like it), you are not going to be broken hearted forever (although it feels like it)--you are going to be just fine. Be content with where you are--despite the ugliness of it you are in a good place because you are in a position to learn, to be taught, to be illuminated, and to grow. The best part about it all is that when you encounter your next relationship, you will truly begin with a clean slate.

What is Love? Part 2 - The Call to Love

2009-03-01T21:28:00.004-05:00

My whole life I have said that I’d never be one of “those” people—captured and blinded by love, heartbroken and distraught. I saw too many wreckages that love produced, I saw the aftermath of too many relationships gone south and I vowed to never be one of “those” people. I vowed that I would only fall in love once and that it would be forever. How does that saying go again—never say never? Famous last words, and now I am eating them. Especially since I have been whining and complaining to God asking Him why do I have to go through all this?

Today, along with another revelation, He gave me the answer to my question. The reason is to humble me. I thought I was above the complications of love, I thought I could see a love train wreck a mile away—well the cynical princess is trapped under the engine of the wreckage and is calling for help. The Word is true about us exalting ourselves—even in the little things, surely God will humble us one way or another, particularly when we thought we may have escaped the snare of what we so desperately tried to put ourselves above (Galatians 6:3).

That was only part of His answer though—after a few hours, He continued His answer, making sure I could let the first answer sink in. God said that He wants to teach me about love—connecting this answer to my amazing revelation that the lack of love in the Church is what keeps the body of Christ from going to the next level in experiencing the glory of God. He has shown me what love isn’t and some of what it is, but I have barely clipped the surface of my understanding.

When I told Bishop about my revelation she said that every day she asks God how to love, because she doesn’t know how—and she has been walking with God for 30 years. She said that love is the most powerful force in the world, so much so that God would sacrifice His Son for it (John 3:16). She also said that love will cause you to pick up on other people’s hurts and needs—this makes sense since Jesus so easily related to others on their level and saw their needs—and not just because He is God, but because He had such a vast love that He took with Him every where. A love that touched so many people and still continues to touch them today.

It isn’t by coincidence that tonight I watched the movie “Fireproof.” I actually tried watching a completely different movie but the DVD wasn’t working so I ended up putting in “Fireproof” anyway. The movie is all about a couple who is on the brink of getting a divorce after 7 years of marriage and the husband decides that he will spend 40 days trying to save his marriage my making vital changes in his life where his wife is concerned. Marriage is always a good example of how we should love one another—unconditionally, whether deserving or not, whether we receive anything in return, whether we are angry or not—our love toward people can never be conditional.

We are not obligated to “like” people but Jesus does command that we love people, and not only love them, but love them as Jesus loves us (John 13:34). And Jesus even commands love to the point of loving your enemies (Luke 6:27-28). And if Jesus said that loving your neighbor is the second greatest commandment, then we have a great challenge to meet. I believe most Christians have failed this challenge because they fail to even begin to fathom the level of love we are called to. Some Christians can’t even forgive others—yet forgiveness is part of love.

Wow. I realize that I haven’t even begun to tap into the complexities and challenges that loving others presents. I said that I wanted God to circumcise my heart, but I didn’t realize what I was really asking for. I asked God for His heart, for His compassion, not realizing the involvement of love. If we really began to understand and look at the heart of God, that alone would be life changing. If we then do the next step and seek to have a heart that reflects His, that would be world changing.

Revelation is never the end, it is never the final answer. Revelation is only the beginning of seeking the answer of more questions that evolve from the new found insight. I don’t know how long it will take God to teach me about love, but I am already aware that it will take a lifetime to truly master walking in God’s love, and even then I know I will still have room for growth.

I think of God Property's lyrics from "Love"

Love a word that comes and goes,
But few people really know,
What it means to really love somebody,
Love, though the tears may fade away,
I'm so glad your love will stay,
Cause I love you,
And you show me, Jesus,
What it really means to love

Then I am reminded of Musiq Soulchild's song "Love":

Love
So many people use your name in vain
Love
Those have faith in you sometimes go astray
Love
Through all the ups and downs the joy and hurt
Love
For better or worse I still will choose you first

Love has been a fraud in the Earth for much too long. I want to be part of the movement of those who choose to show real love, walk in real love, and promote real love.

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails." (1 Corinthians 13:4-8)

The Power of Love

2009-03-01T14:36:00.006-05:00

You can listen to the same words over and over again for the course of a lifetime and receive no meaning whatsoever from them until the day you receive revelation--before you receive revelation it is just knowledge. Just having the "knowledge" of God is meaningless and serves no purpose and produces no fruit in your life. This is why people can know the Bible inside and out but their life is dry and produces no fruit. It is not until you have the "revelation" of God that the Words have meaning and have an impact on your entire life. Bishop has told me about this more than once, but only today does that make sense with the revelation I received from this morning's service about love.

For years I have been wondering why the Church falls short of the Church depicted in Acts--people receiving healing, the glory of God raining down--the whole essence of who God is, these first Christians were experiencing that. For years I have asked God why isn't the Church today like the first Church? During my undergrad a pastor turned me on to a book called "God Chasers" by Tommy Tenney, a book about the glory of God raining down so much so that strangers and unbelievers couldn't pass the church without stopping in to experience God. So I got the idea that the answer was in God's people really understanding praise and worshipping God wholeheartedly.

Well I have experienced this in more than one Church but the presence of God was never thick enough to have everyone on their faces like Tenney described. A couple of years later I read the book and and came to the same conclusion, however I never saw any change or difference in the Church. Frustrated, I gave up on even asking God anymore.

It's probably been 3 years or so since I last read the book, but today God finally revealed the answer of why the Church is nothing like it was in the book of Acts--it is because of the absence of love. You're probably thinking "Okay, so what?" like most Christians have said since they've gotten saved (and that's where the problem lies!!!). Christians think NOTHING of this commandment, this call from God (I was one of them!!!) When one of the teachers asked Jesus what the greatest commandment was He told them to love God with everything. Most Christians stop there and think that they are "safe" for their entire lives. They forget that was only part of Jesus's answer. Jesus then said love your neighborhood as yourself (Mark 12:28-31). Most Christians would say "Of course I love my neighbor!" But do you really?

Many people are "turned off" by the Church because we condemn, judge, gossip, put people's business out on front street, back stab, speak ill of people--all of the things that are the antithesis of love. The world wants nothing to do with the Church because they can simply find more love with non-Christians than they can find in the Church. So this is one of the major reasons the Church is so far removed from ever seeing miracles and the glory of God rain down.

The second major area Christians fail in is within the Church itself between the brothers and sisters in Christ. The Bible commands us to bear one another's burdens, to support one another, to pray for one another, in essence to be our brother's and sister's keeper (Galatians 6:1-4). But instead when we see another brother or sister who has stumbled and fallen we step all over them or step right over them. Instead of being able to confide in one another we avoid doing so for fear of judgment and someone gossiping about our troubles. In the body of Christ there should be this awesome exchange of support--when one brother/sister is hurting financially, someone who is blessed in that area should help them, and the person who is blessed financially may be emotionally inept so there should be someone to stand in the gap for that person. Support is a form of love--not leaving people hanging out to dry on their own, not destroying people and leaders with the words of our mouths when they have made a mistake--this all stems from the lack of love in the body of Christ.

And my third revelation was about Paul's entire passage on love which I thought was solely reserved for those who are only into religion and works, versus a relationship with God. I never realized that 1 Corinthians Chapter 13 was written for all types of Christians--the ultra religious AND those who focus on a relationship with God in addition to works. What I realized today is that the seemingly "good" Churches follow God's Word to the letter, have a blossoming ministry, do works, have a healthy relationship with God etc--but even in all of those good things, if we do not ever have love, if we do not truly have our hearts circumcised with compassion, if we truly do not love our neighbors, if we don't even love other Christians, we have absolutely NOTHING. WOW. This is how crucial loving one another is. If we do not love not even our relationship with God really amounts to anything because God IS love, and if we don't have love, in essence we really do not have God. WOW.

All week I have been listening to Martha Munizzi's song "Change the World" belting it out in my car, in my apartment, mouthing the words at work with my head phones one etc yet had no idea what the song even meant until today. Some of the lyrics read:

"His love can change one heart, one mind
Give every nation hope and life
Creation waits expectantly
His love is all we need

We can change the world (2x)
With the love of God
We can change the world"

WOW. The reason why we haven't seen the change in the world that we would like to see is because we are missing a key element as believers: L-O-V-E.

The song goes on to say "Let the World know, let the world see, the love of Jesus shine through me." Our light is not just our salvation. Our light is not just knowing Jesus. Our light is love itself--if we don't have love we aren't the city on hill, we are a lowly candlestick flame flickering in the wind. We need the power of love to light a city (Matthew 5:14-16). We can do amazing things in the world with out love, but to really change the world we need love. Love is a commandment not an option. God didn't call us to "like" anyone, though that is an added benefit. Nor did He call us to love people's way. He called us to love them.

So God gave me the answer to my question--the Church will never be as glorious as the one in Acts without love. Christians will never really have the complete power that rose Jesus from the dead, we will never do greater works than Jesus, we can never really be our full potential spiritually if we are missing the element of love.

This revelation has floored me and I hope it will floor every other Christian as well--and if you have already taken a hold to this concept, spread it to your sisters and brothers in Christ so that we may not only do wonderful things in the world, but also have the ability to change it.

"Still"

2009-02-28T20:49:00.003-05:00

Again, it's really self explanatory.

"Still" by Lionel Ritchie

Lyrics:
Lady, Morning's just a moment away
And I'm without you once again
You laughed at me
You said you didn't needed me
I wonder if you need me now

(chorus:)

So many dreams that flew away
So many words we didn't say
Two people lost in a storm
Where did we go?
Where'd we go?

We lost what we both had found
You know we let each other down
But then most of all
I Do Love You
Still

(Same as chorus)

We played the games that people play
We made our mistakes along the way
Somehow I know deep in my heart
You needed me
'Cause I needed you so desperately!
We were too blind to see
But then most of all
I Do Love You
Still

"Good Morning"

2009-02-28T19:22:00.005-05:00

Cover for India.Arie's "Good Morning"

No words are even needed. The song says it all.

Lyrics:
Good morning silence
Good morning to myself

Good morning to the pain in the center of my chest

It's crazy how much I miss
a simple good morning kiss
oh ohhhhh...

Good morning independence or is it loneliness?
I know I said I wanted this but I have regrets

I pray for God's will to be done
The very next day you were gone
Oh Ohhhhhh

Good morning to the harsh realities of life
and good morning to the fact we're not husband and wife

We made a promise to stay
But destiny got in the way
oh ohhhhhhhh

Good morning...

Good morning acceptance
Good morning inner strength
I'm loving every moment
even the strain

It's crazy how much I miss
a simple good morning kiss
It's crazy how much I've missed
Now it's time for me to live
oh ohhhhhhhhhh

Good morning...

Good morning optimism
Good morning to my faith
Good morning to the beginning of a brand new day

I know that God's will be done
So I lay down my pain and I'm moving on

I know that God's will be done.
So it's a good morning after all

Girlfriends

2009-02-27T22:05:00.004-05:00

You would think I was going on a real date with the amount of nerves that I have about meeting new friends. No matter how old we get, it seems that some of us still hold the same insecurities about meeting new people as we did when we were younger.

Earlier tonight I started a group online so that I can start meeting women my age who are young, single, unmarried, without kids, educated, hardworking but who don't get out much, if at all. I'm not only nervous about leading the group (because everyone will be looking to me), but I'm nervous about meeting them. I know that I will meet people with similiar interests but I wonder: Will they like me? Will I like them? What will I say? How do I start a conversation? What if the conversation falls flat? What if I don't like someone?--all of these questions bounce around in my head making it feel like the first day at a new school all over again.

I was by no means a social butterfly growing up. I was very particular about the types of people I hung around and interacted with. I spoke selectively and opened up to few. Most people would have classified me as a "loner" and even an "outcast." I thought a lot differently than most people my age, I enjoyed being a bookworm, loved the oldies, and enjoyed hanging about grown ups instead of people my age. I loved soaking up wisdom and listening to their stories. So it is no surprise that my adult years are pretty similiar to my childhood.

After last weekend though, I realized that I really need to get out and explore the world some more and meet people. I have realized only in the last few years that I really thrive around people, particularly people who are out going. My energy builds from theirs and when I'm given the floor to speak, be heard and share my thoughts in a non-threatening setting, I will become more extroverted and vibrant. Just mere conversation and debate entices me. I love finding out why people think the way that they do and how they perceive the world.

Last night on FB I realized more than ever that I truly need a group of girlfriends. One friend that I've known since middle school who is from San Diego but is now going to school north of there, then another friend I've known since college in Miami, who now lives in Jersey going to grad school--commented on my status and discouraged me from opening up old wounds. Their words stopped me in my tracks and I was able to veer away from the potential disaster because they had the "been there done that" attitude and the "girl you know you're stronger than that!" attitude. They gave me a pleasant slap of reality that I needed at the moment. Sometimes that all you need a girlfriend for--to slap reality back into you.

It just seems that with this generation it is harder to build relationships with people because we scatter into so many corners of the world for school, work, travel, adventure etc. And while technology bridges the gap, there is really nothing like being able to call someone up to catch a movie spur of the moment, to go for ice cream, work out, cry and eat ice cream, pour out your heart to...

I can't speak for men so I don't know how unique this bonding process is to women. There is just something so unique that happens when a bunch of women come together because we are such a complex species yet we understand each other so well. And if we hang around one another enough biological rhythms even sync. There is definitely something special that happens when we come together.

So I am not only on a quest to start living my life, but to start living it with other women my age and be sharpened by them and grow vibrant.

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http://s227.photobucket.com/albums/dd56/Nightwing88/Cat%20avatars/?action=view¤t=Cat_BFF.jpg

One-Sided Conversations

2009-02-26T23:03:00.005-05:00

I have conversations where I am the only one talking reforming my words and my language so that it only comes out perfect, so that I may divulge my mind, clarify my thoughts, convey my meaning, so that I may get it right and not stumble, so that I may be understood.

I am having the perfect argument where I win. I am rehearsing conversations pointing out the words that you said, the promises that you made, the lies that you told, the truths that you hid. I am exposing you for who you truly are with my words and your words.

All day I am in an on going conversation with myself wishing that I could pick up my phone and dial and have you hear my rehearsed lines--the lines I've thought a thousand times but could never bring myself to say.

But your number is gone, even though I memorized it I can't bring myself to dial it, to hear the other side because I have already heard enough to last a lifetime and because I am using your words against you--not to be bothered, not to ever have another conversation--or maybe those were my words--they all mix together--your lines and mine, running together into a dark puddle at my feet that cannot commit themselves to walking to you.

My hands do not write, my fingers do not type, the words never even drop down from my thoughts to my lips to escape. Words that will never live, never touch the air, never touch your ear. Words that are repeatedly aborted because even after a thousand tries the conversation will always remain because the vessel into which it is going hasn't changed and the words would sound like the million other times, I ad libbed my lines--it is all so much more productive in my mind as you are there in silence.

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http://api.ning.com/files/qE*k3YpxK*0Da2xbQUiOlS4MqEC2COK6UANl8zzCrQUFlkywfbpKvRaAiuqPYiNHv*r8Uh63bg-0TyY2FN8d1QNMdfFlXrbi/conversation.jpg

Marriage - So what is the point?

2009-02-24T06:08:00.004-05:00

I know that I am being a little cynical this morning, but what started as that ended in revelation. What is the point of marriage? With so many people divorcing, on the verge of divorce, separation etc, what is the point of marriage?

Even my current pastor has said on more than one occassion marriage doesn't necessarily get rid of your "burn", meaning marriage is not even about sex. He said that it was only 10% or less about sex. Someone else once told me that marriage is supernatural--that a man (and woman) can only really be faithful with the help of God. So then I ask again what is the point? I'm not saying that I think that marriage should be about sex, but it should be a perk for a Christian right?

I guess where my question is really coming from is what is the point of sharing yourself--your thoughts, your feelings, your perspective, your likes and dislikes etc--if you are never sure that the other person is really reciprocating those things to you? If that other person is holding back? Doesn't that make them a fraud? Even if they are holding back their true selves until AFTER you get married, how is that fair to anyone? How do you ever really know? I guess that's where God comes in again right--marrying the right person who is going to be transparent.

Is the point of marriage having a really nice wedding? Like someone said to me: wedding = one day. Marriage = a lifetime. Which should you really prepare for?

Is the point to just take the "next step" in the relationship? Because it is just the next natural step in life? Who made those "next step" rules up anyway? Society? Well even that doesn't really stand because over the course of the last couple of decades the "next step" has become college first, family later.

Is the point just to have children? Well anyone can have children--just look at Nadia Suleman (the octuplet crazy--I mean lady)--you don't even need a boyfriend--just a friend to donate sperm, and not even that much--you can visit a sperm bank. So the point is not to have children, though again it is a nice perk to have someone help you raise them.

Is the point to start a "family"? What is a family really though? Family = more work. You can't just go out and start a family. Starting a family and keeping a family together is hard work and can really tank a relationship with your spouse as you both get caught up in the mundane daily tasks of life. Some couples never even have families, so starting a family isn't the reason for everyone.

Is the point to have eternal companionship? In the last church that I went to a married woman told me that at moments she has never felt more alone than she has as a married woman. So is the point to have someone to understand you? She went on to say that even though her husband knows her well, sometimes they don't speak the same language.

So then is the point to be with someone who has the same goals and likes? Marriage transforms you. Time transforms you. Life transforms you. Things happen and dissolve plans and likes may change. And on top of that the same person you wanted to run with when you first began, may be someone that you split paths with down the road.

I am not here to dissolve the idea of marriage or the sanctity of it. I guess the conclusion that I have drawn over time is that marriage doesn't solve any of your problems--whether it be financial, stability, emotional etc--all of those things are subject to change with time. I think this is why so many marriages end in divorce and why some of the ones who stick with it struggle so much--because they went into marriage with the wrong idea. They went into marriage placing all the emphasis, trust, and faith into their spouse--this is why if the spouse loses their ability to solve their problems, the whole relationship goes south.

God tells us to not put our trust in any man (Psalms 146:3-4). If you are to marry you are supposed to marry the one who God says is yours and you are supposed to trust the GOD in the them--so if they do not have God, or a limited amount of God, then you are only putting your trust in them and therefore setting yourself up for disappointment. A man/woman is human and they are bound to screw up (even if it is not intentionally), even if they mean well. That person is also not going to understand you--no one can understand you better than your Maker (Matthew 10:30). God tells us to trust in Him and to not lean on our own understanding (Proverbs 3:5-6).

Marriage is a wonderful experience, however if you don't put your trust in God's ability to fix your problems, relying on someone else will become a nightmare. Marriage will not fulfill you as a person and it was not designed to fulfill your life. God was designed to fulfill you. The plans He has for you were designed to fulfill your life (Jeremiah 29:11). God was designed to complete you. Marriage is just the added bonus of life, and was really designed to make you experience God on a whole new level.

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pic: http://www.benettontalk.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/01/marriage.jpg

Fear = Slavery

2009-02-23T00:31:00.002-05:00

Fear can rule your entire life if you allow it to. It will cause you not to take risks, it will cause you to miss out on opportunities, relationships, people, places--life itself.

I know someone who was so ruled by fear they hated to venture out to certain places because he feared seeing people they worked with. He missed out on some things in his relationships because he was too fearful to try things. I did not realize the extent of his fear because had I, I would have excommunicated myself and jumped ship or required him to get professional council--I can't imagine the fear that ruled him on a daily basis--moment to moment. The little things he harped on that he never shared.

And I think the worse part is that he doesn't realize that he's a spitting replica of his father who stayed up nights on end in fear of how to provide for his family. Someone completely paralyzed by fear. I have never experienced that kind of fear and anxiety. Anxiety/fear will also cause you to run away from even the good things.

He is even too afraid to change, afraid to get help, afraid to seek council, afraid to move, afraid to stay still. I think that he is even afraid of having a consistent relationship with God.

One of the saddest parts in knowing him was not really knowing him at all--it wasn't that he didn't want to share who he was but that he was too afraid to. I believed he thought that I wouldn't like his true self, or that if he showed me his true self he would have to change because he was so broken, so hurt, so ruled by fear that he embodied it--so ruled by fear that he didn't even realize who he truly was, that he had lost his ownself in fear. WOW.

I wish I had known the extent of his fear much sooner but it is what it is. Hindsight really does give you perspective. It pained me to realize this because so many things make sense now in regards to him. I wouldn't want anyone, not even my worse enemy to live in that type of fear, in that type of bondage--that is not living--it's being a prisoner of your own mind. I hope he reaches out and gets help and starts to tackle the issues behind the fear.

Before I left San Diego God gave me Romans 8:15, 21 as a reminder that He delivered me from fear--this is probably one of the first major things He delivered me from in the last couple of years. It talks about not being a slave to fear. The latter part of Romans 8 goes on to talk about God's hope for our life, and His plan and His presence in our life--how no one can be against us, and no one and nothing can separate us from Him. He equips us with the hope and strength that we need not to live in fear any more. Fear is not a spirit we should ever have, it is not of God: "For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind" (2 Timothy 1:7).

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pic: http://www.freeuni.edu.ge/shortprograms/blog/wp-content/uploads/2008/12/fear.gif

Not Being the Victim Any More - Fierce & Fearless Pt. 2

2009-02-22T22:39:00.010-05:00

This weekend I saw "Madea Goes to Jail" and I cried for Candace one of the book worms turned prostitute because of her childhood and a turn of events in her life. The movie not only emphasized the importance of forgiving people (particularly if you are locked up physically in jail or psychologically/emotionally/mentally) along with the concept of not adopting the "woe is me" attitude for all the horrible things that people have done in your life--to stop being a victim and start living your life.

My breaking point was when Candace blurted out, her face full of tears "I have decided that I am not going to be a victim anymore!" I could relate to her not only because of her abuse history but because in those words she encompassed the last five months of revelation in my own life and my own proclaimation of deciding not to be a victim anymore and forgiving myself as well as others. I wish that everyone could have this revelation--it will change your entire life when you realize how much you are restricted in your life with unforgiveness, with the "woe is me" attitude, with letting your past rule you, with letting fear rule you. My tears rejoiced with her and with myself because I am where she is at this very moment in my life and I have an incredible sense of peace, hope, laughter, confidence, faith, and praise for the life that God has given me--how I am not in the insane aslym, on the streets, or in jail despite everything that I have been through.

Every day God reminds me that I am free and He reminds me to embrace my freedom. He also reveals to me how I was so suceptible to returning back to bondage in my relationship. I declared to Bishop that "I'm NEVER going back to Egypt!" not by my choice or by someone else's bondage.

And every day He shows me that my freedom is not my own, that I should tell others how to become free, how to escape depression, how to live their lives so that their past does not rule them. God does not deliver you solely for your own benefit, God delivers you so that you can help others be delivered, God blesses us to bless others.

The last 20 years have been quite the journey (an understatement on every level!) and I am looking forward to the rest of my life because the best is yet to come. I realized the other day that I am a pretty old 25-year-old. I feel like I act as though I'm 35 for a number of reasons. I've decided to start living as a 25-year-old because I don't want to turn 35 and wish that I was 25--you sure can't reverse the aging process or go back in time.

At 35 I want to look back and be grateful for this time now and not regretful, particularly when I do eventually start my family. Sometimes the urge to start a family over shadows your ability to enjoy your life in whatever state you are.

Lately I am been really pushing to become Paul (Phil 4:11-12)--to become content in whatever situation I am in--whether it is good or bad, happy or sad, where I want to be or not, whether I cry or laugh--I want to be content where I am and I want my desire, in whatever situation, to be praising God, loving God, and serving God. To be content in whatever situation is another level of freedom and certainly a level of spiritual maturity.

If you are content always then there is nothing the enemy can throw at you that you will not overcome. This is knowing unspeakable joy and having a peace that passes all understanding. So while the world freaks out about losing their jobs, the economy, death, pain etc. you could be experiencing those same things but unlike the world, you will wear a smile, you will laugh, you will dance, and praise God that He is Lord even through the valleys, that He is Lord over your life and Lord of the whole world. That is a whole new level of living fierce and fearless.

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pic: http://www.optimizedagent.com/assets/images/Free-woman-left.jpg

What’s love got to do with it? Part 3 – A Reality Check

2009-02-20T09:38:00.004-05:00

Sometimes it seems that life would be a whole lot better with the wool still pulled over your eyes. Seeing someone for who they truly are, is an ugly process that makes you want to cover your ears and scream “la, la, la, la” while running in the other direction. When the scripture says love covers a multitude of sins (1 Peter 4:8), I am now seeing that it really does—that’s why people say “love is blind” because when you are in love you turn the other cheek when it comes seeing all of the red flags, stumbling blocks, and unhealthy emotional messes.

We are often more compassionate to people than we think, particularly when it comes to love. We try to justify people’s shortcomings with the notion of love. We say things like “But he/she loves me…” or “But I love him/her…” or “But we are in love…” or “But we love one another…”. What I love about 1 Peter 4:8 is that it says love covers a multitude of sins—it does NOT erase a multitude of sins. We can love someone until we’re blue in the face but it never changes who they actually are (though it can influence who they can become). When we have the wool removed from our eyes we realize that while we may love someone and while they may even love us, that love doesn’t change the fact that we are ALL works in progress. Love does not change the fact that we are reeking with issues and it’s a wonder that God can even deal with us, let alone someone else.

So then what is the point of love then if it doesn’t really resolve anything? I guess love is like a coating. We can love someone through their issues and despite their issues but unless they are actually dealing with their issues love doesn’t help expedite their healing, if anything it actually hinders it because it becomes their focal point and distraction away from what they really need to work on.

Once someone actually starts to tackle their issues then love can began to erase the hurts and the scars that remain behind. But you can’t love someone into the recovery room—they have the do that themselves but before they get to recovery, they have to go through the operating room first. You can love someone out of the recovery room though. This is why it is so important to have circumcision of the heart because until your heart changes everything in your life will remain the same (Deuteronomy 10:16). This is one of the last conversations I had with him—and I laughed, not because I thought it was funny but because it took 18 months for him to say it and by then we were spent and done trying everything else.

This morning I received a much need e-mail about love:

--------------------------------------------
Computer Software: INSTALLING LOVE:

Support: Yes, Ma'am.... how can I help you?

Customer: Well, after much consideration, I've decided to install Love. Can you guide me though the process?

Tech Support: Yes. I can help you. Are you ready to proceed?

Customer: Well, I'm not very technical, but I think I'm ready. What do I do first?

Tech Support: The first step is to open your Heart. Have you located your Heart, ma'am?

Customer: Yes, but there are several other programs running now. Is it okay to install Love while they are running?

Tech Support: What programs are running, ma’am?

Customer: Let's see, I have Past Hurt, Low Self-Esteem, Grudge and Resentment running right now.

Tech Support: No problem, Love will gradually erase Past Hurt from your current operating system. It may remain in your permanent memory, but it will no longer disrupt other programs. Love will eventually override Low Self-Esteem with a module of its own called High Self-Esteem.

However, you have to completely turn off Grudge and Resentment. Those programs prevent Love from being properly installed. Can you turn those off, ma'am?

Customer: I don't know how to turn them off. Can you tell me how?

Tech Support: With pleasure. Go to your start menu and invoke Forgiveness. Do this as many times as necessary until Grudge and Resentment have been completely erased.

Customer: Okay, done! Love has started installing itself. Is that normal?

Tech Support: Yes, but remember that you have only the base program. You need to begin connecting to other Hearts in order to get the upgrades.

Customer: Oops! I have an error message already. It says, "Error - Program not run on external components. "What should I do?

Tech Support: Don’t worry, ma'am. It means that the Love program is set up to run on Internal Hearts, but has not yet been run on your Heart. In non- technical terms, it simply means you have to Love yourself before you can Love others.

Customer: So, what should I do?

Tech Support: Pull down Self-Acceptance; then click on the following files: Forgive-Self; Realize Your=2 0Worth; and Acknowledge your Limitations.

Customer: Okay, done.

Tech Support: Now, copy them to the "My Heart" directory. The system will overwrite any conflicting files and begin patching faulty programming. Also, you need to delete Verbose Self-Criticism from all directories and empty your Recycle Bin to make sure it is completely gone and never comes back.

Customer: Got it. Hey! My heart is filling up with new files. Smile is playing on my monitor and Peace and Contentment are copying themselves all over My Heart. Is this normal?

Tech Support: Sometimes. For others it takes awhile, but eventually everything gets it at the proper time. So Love is installed and running. One more thing before we hang up. Love is Freeware. Be sure to give it and its various modules to everyone you meet. They will in turn share it with others and return some cool modules back to you.

Customer: Thank you, God.

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There is nothing like writing and sharing your perspective to lighten your heart;
there is nothing like healing;
there nothing like learning during the whole process.

--
pic: http://conservatard.files.wordpress.com/2006/11/reality-check.jpg

God is Quite Funny - Part 2

2009-02-19T12:48:00.004-05:00

Back in June 2007 I wrote about how God humored me when I thought about getting spare car keys made and the very next day the dealership called me and said that they had extra keys. While God has humored me many times since then, this morning after a solemn night God really enlightened me on some things.

I had a revelation this morning when God reminded me of a conversation that I had early on in my relationship about my fear of intimacy, my fear of being loved, and my tendency to run away from love. Early on he made the decision that if I did decide to run that he would chase after me.

Now looking back it is comical because I passed the test I was so worried about failing--as much as I wanted to at times I didn't run away, and when I did I didn't allow myself to get very far. I smiled at that because it shows my growth and the wonderful thing about that is that I do not fear intimacy in my relationship with God any more.

The humor in the whole situation was that I wasn't the one who ran--he was. He was the one who ran from me knowing him on an intimate level, he ran from dealing with his past hurts, he ran from changing for the better, he ran from me, he ran from himself, and he ran from God. There we were worried about me running but here he is living and even sleeping with his running shoes on.

It's not "hee, hee" funny (if anything it also brought some sadness), but it is funny in a way because as humans we think we have a firm grasp on potential conflict but we can't even see the half of it from our limited perspective.

I also laughed because I look at me and all of my problems and issues and here I am NOT the one running and not even the source of much of the conflict. There was someone else sitting at the table with their own problems and issues they refused to tackle for themselves and the relationship. There was someone else sitting there who did not realize the impact of their unresolved issues, who did not understand that their lack of resolve only compounded my problems because I was fighting against both my issues and theirs. Ay, there's the rub.

Our finite understanding of our world gives us finite perspective and often we don't see until God shows us or until we have the beauty of hindsight.

I didn't run--but he did. Great revelation and great tragedy, but ironic nevertheless.

Keeping Your Eye on the Prize

2009-02-16T22:05:00.006-05:00

How come whenever you decide to follow Jesus every distraction you can think of comes against you?

When Peter tried walking on water to go to Jesus it was the same thing. Peter made it out of the boat and was making progress toward Jesus out on the water in the midst of the storm (Matthew 14:22-35). It wasn't until Peter looked around at the wind and began to sink. The wind was always there, but it wasn't until Peter took his focus from Jesus that he began to sink. Peter was distracted by the wind, lost focus, and started sinking.

I felt very much like Peter this past weekend. I believe it was Thursday night that I decided to follow God--no matter what that means: losing my job, going to school for the next 4-5 years, not being married for another five years etc. I figure what do I really have to lose? I am still young (under 30), and according to my previous post, while I have not done all that I've wanted to do in my life yet, I have done a LOT so far, enough to satisfy my need to run. And plus I have done things my way long enough and they haven't worked in my favor, at least not in the long term.

Plus I want true fulfillment in life. I want what God has for me because my plans are subject to change based upond circumstances and situations. As I have started reading in Ephesians and even throughout the Bible God has had plans in place for my life even before He created Creation itself (Eph 1:4). If God has been planning that long, I know that whatever I came up with in my mere 25 years of existance can't even compare to what God has for me.

So this means that I have to focus more than ever. I already felt myself being distracted with weekend by the whole Valentine's Day bit--thinking about settling down, starting a family, the whole nine yards. But I had to bring things back into perspective--there is nothing wrong with desiring those things, but God has to be the one to provide me with those things in due time.

So this also means that I have to remain committed in my walk with God and not let my relationship with Him fall to the wayside. I am tired of being a backslider in God. The story gets really old after awhile, and then you are left wondering when you will really reach the next level of spiritual maturity. And while my "bounce back" with God becomes easier each time, it also becomes more annoying because I think about where I could have been in God had I not dropped the ball.

So this means that I have to be prepared for letting God do some major heart repairs on me. For the last 6 weeks or so God has shown me all of the positive things about myself--the areas that He has healed, Him giving me the garment of praise, how much I have grown without even realizing it. Now it is time for the tears--of God exposing those parts that still need to be worked on, those parts that still need more work, those parts that hinder me from reaching the next level in God as well as in my life. And in the midst of the work I am still required to praise Him, but also getting more into the worship of who God is because in being exposed for who you really are, God shows you His nature and who He wants you to be in Him, how He wants to trade your flaws for His qualities. I already said one of my goals this year was to have God circumsize my heart.

And I know for all of these things to transpire I can't be like Peter--getting "thrown off" by the things around me. I have to be in control of my thoughts again immediately casting down anything that isn't of God, thinking only briefly on my concerns and making them known to God, and meditating on God's Word day in and day out. I have to be like Paul and forget those things that are behind me and press toward the mark (Philipians 3:13-14).

One of my favorite songs about this is Fred Hammond's "I Press":

since you hooked up with the savior
and laid your life down, come on
didn't let nothin' fade you
cause you were heaven bound
the gentle rains in your life just got an upgrade
to a hurricane, come on say
in the hands of the master
it seems like you gotta fight and scratch just to remain

(channel A)
you're gona make it to the end believe it
until then

(chorus)
i press
say that you're gonna press my friend
still i press
you're gonna hang on in there 'till the end say
i press
you know the king of glory is with you
still i press
go in his name and he'll see ya through say
i press

(verse 2)
my load is not always easy
nobody said it would be
and if you use the word perfect
i know you're not referring to me
but here's what i do
forget the junk behind me
i set my sights on his high calling

(channel B)
and by faith i'll apprehend, yeah, yeah
until then

(Chorus)
(vamp)

till i become what he wants me to be, yeah, i press
this is the goal and the prize that i reach for, i press

---
pic http://deepchurch.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/2007/09/follow-me-by-firefighter-with-a-camera-on-flickr.jpg

What is Love?

2009-02-14T19:37:00.008-05:00

You'd think after being in love you would have an inkling to the answer of this question, but I don't think I am any closer to an answer than I was two years ago. And if anything I am more confused about it now than I was before. I guess what I have learned is that there is different levels in which you love someone, and these different levels serve different purposes in the relationship. I also have learned while there are many levels, all do not really sustain you throughout a relationship.

Level One: The decision to Love
Love is a decision no matter how you look at it--it doesn't just happen. People make a concious decision to take that next step. Even before you utter the words "I love you" that in itself is a decision.

Level Two: I love you as you are
After you've made the decision to love someone you seek to know everything there is about them--the good, the bad, and the ugly. You see them for who they are and fall in love with the things that make them unique.

Level Three: I love you as you can be
Most people cannot get past this stage because people are easily offended when you highlight their imperfections, not because you want to show them they're flawed but because you love them enough to recognize their shortfalls and want to help them be better. Many people feel severe rejection because all their lives everyone else around them has let them live with their flaws, but now with a significant other, the one person who has made a decision to love them, they are "rejecting" them as they are. True love sharpens you--you should never be in a relationship with someone who does not desire to have the best for you and vise versa. That being said you should also never be in a relationship where the person desires less for themselves than what you desire for them--a.k.a. low self-esteem, low self-expectations--being in a relationship like that is just draining and pointless.

Level Four: I love you in spite of your flaws
People who feel so rejected at level three never are able to experience level four from their significant other. Once someone realizes and appreciates that someone loves them enough to help them "fill in the gaps" then this is one of the most freeing forms of love. This is a very healing form of love also.

Level Five: I love you unconditionally--I give you my all
You love them in spite of their flaws and are willing to give your all for them and vise versa.

Until you make it to levels 4 & 5 I think the relationship has little or no chance for survival because at level 3 is when both people are challenged to make the changes necessary in their lives to move forward--but if one person changes and the other doesn't or neither person changes, it only compounds the problems at hand. I think what is worse than not changing at all is agreeing to change but inwardly making a decision to never actually do so.

Because God is Love, I can't really say "love" as we experience it is in anyway related to God, at least in its initial stages before it becomes agape (unconditional). I think the "love" as the world knows it is simply a whirlwind of emotions that might lead to agape love if you ever see clearly and make it through the initial phases of it.

When "love" blooms and dances in the whirlwind it is beautiful and mesmorizing. And when it ends it is hollow and unsatisfying leaving more unanswered questions than you started with. When it dies it is like crushed leaves embedded into concrete, leaving an imprint of what was.

Women Aren't That Hard To Please

2009-02-14T18:14:00.005-05:00

Eve in some ways had life simple when the first marriage was being established on Earth. What I love about Eve's timing was that God didn't bring her onto the scene until after all of Creation had been situated including Adam. It wasn't until Adam named the animals and was put in charge of keeping the garden that Eve arrived.

Me being the old-school woman that I am, I realize that this is how it should still be. I think many if not all women still innately believe this should be the case--that a woman should have the world set before her. I don't mean tons of riches etc, I mean that she should have a man who has a plan of action in life, a place to call her own, and being taken care of(because she spends her entire life caring for everyone else). Basically she shouldn't have to want for anything--and if she does want something her husband should make it happen, and if he can't then he needs to go to God.

I'm tired of men who expect their wives to help them financially in terms of working--maybe for a brief season, but it should never be a necessity unless he is disabled to the point where he can't work. Yes the wife is supposed to be a helper, but not in that capacity. She can help him get to where he needs to be to support a family.

What's interesting about this concept is that if men did this, they would simultaneously fulfill their own need to feel wanted, to feel needed since the woman would be fully dependent upon her husband. Some women these days think that it is a curse to be dependent upon their husband for anything, that it is something that strips them of their independence. But those women quickly forget that you lose your independence in marriage--this is not to be equated wiht losing your identity though. So many women have made identity and independence synanomous and that couldn't be further from the truth.

This old school concept has also been greatly perverted because of so many single parent homes where mothers have to adopt male-provider qualities just to keep their household. I'm not saying women shouldn't work at all, I'm saying that men need to start seeing themselves as the sole provider of the household, as the headship of the household, and at that headship, God should be the overseer of all things. I'm so sick of not seeing men in their rightful places and women not only wearing the thousand hats we naturally do, plus the added burden of being a provider.

So it isn't that women are so hard to please, but that men are so lazy not to step up to the plate and take on a responsibility that was always theirs to begin with. Women can't have unrealistic expectations with this mind set--it is a matter of males having no expectations for themselves. Once men hold themselves to higher expectations, then a women's needs will not be so hard to meet.

Another Tragic Thursday = Another Chance For God to Prove Himself

2009-02-12T18:45:00.007-05:00

Once again I relive yet another tragic Thursday at our company. 430 people laid off including one of our fellow trainers. When they did the lay off back in November, we all kind of knew that was only the first cut, we just didn't know that the next one would be so soon. I could see this round coming a hundred miles away--there were too many signs to suggest there would be another round of layoffs.

I was only surprised I wasn't included in this round, particularly since the departments I serve are going to be phased out over the next few months. You know it's really bad when even the managers can't fake it any more, when your remaining coworkers state "they're scared" in front of the boss, yet the boss doesn't counter the comment with optimism but accepts it as a matter of fact. What's worse is when you hear different bosses exploring their options.

Being part of the round of layoffs in San Diego almost 2 years ago (this is why I even started this blog and ended up in Philly in the first play) opened my eyes to the corporate/business world--no matter how great you are and no matter how long you've done it, at the end of the day the business has to save itself by sacrificing its employees or go completely under--and this holds true even in a very good economy.

Unfortunately not everyone thinks the way that I do--after being laid off my theory became that at any given moment the company can pull you to the side and say that they will not need your services any longer. That and also having the perspective that everything that you see with your natural eye is temporary and subject to change at any moment, including your job.

Now I know this sounds unrealistic for all of those who have families, mortgages, etc. but having faith in something more than just your employer will always be something you have no matter the circumstances and situations that occur in your life--good or bad. Having faith in God who is above the economic crisis and is still in control of all things is something that is eternal and if your faith is firm, it will not change direction with the wind.

If I were to get laid off, most people would think "wow, what a waste to relocate after being laid off, just to be laid off again." However, I do not see it that way. All of the experiences I've had since I've been here, all of the people I've met and encountered--everything has been a growing experience. I know that God brought me to Philly and if I get laid off, I know He has a plan regardless of what happens. It was no accident that I came to Philly. And I wouldn't see it as a tragedy to get laid off. I would see it as another opportunity for God to prove His goodness and faithfulness, even I am unable to see at this very moment, what good could possibly become of this tragedy? God is in the business of taking what the enemy meant for evil and turning into good.

A lot of people who got laid off a couple of years ago in San Diego, despite their anger and bitterness, said for many different reasons why the lay off was actually perfect timing for them. It is really all about your perspective. Again, if you only look at the world with your natural eye balls it looks disastrous, but if you start really looking from the perspective of God, God is making order of the mess and chaos and has already set a path for you.

It is so important to maintain a positive attitude. I won't lie and say I'm not worried about possibly being canned, but I don't plan on losing sleep about it and stressing out--what does it profit me to worry myself crazy? I refuse to do it. The one thing that I always remember when the world seems to crumble around me is that Jesus is still Lord, and I am still His daughter--until that changes (which it won't ever) I don't have anything to fret about. After all...who else do I have to rely on but God? I can't rely on the economy, the government, my job--nothing but God.

Laughing at the Enemy

2009-02-09T20:51:00.008-05:00

Today I got a little sad when I initially heard about my mother having a rough time. I felt bad and disheartened. But then that ended suddenly when I realized that it wasn't about my mother--and then I laughed out loud, just like when my pastor in San Diego laughed when she heard I had been laid off. Now I know what she was laughing about. I laughed because I realized that this was about the enemy trying to get to me through those around me.

For the last few weeks I have been praising God, listening to His word, reading His word, praying, and listening to His call for my life. Here I am doing everything I am supposed to do. Here I am attending a double service on Sunday, praising until my lungs hurt. And now this issue with my mother just so happens to surface. I laughed because I could see the enemy a mile away with this nonsense. He is trying to test my proclaimation of my freedom and God's goodness. He is trying to test my praise. He is trying to test my joy. So I laughed out loud, long and hard. Seriously? Seriously?!? It's like when someone tries to pretend they are invisible yet you see them right there dead in their tracks--they cannot hide because your spiritual eyes have been opened.

This all just tells me that I have to get to work. I have to start fighting in the spirit realm and pulling down strong holds. I have to really start becoming mature in Christ because now that I am doing right in the eyes of the Lord, the enemy wants to destroy what is being built by God.

On Sunday one of the things the praise and worship leader said was "Why are you told to praise God in the midst of the storm? Because you praise Him for what He has already done--what He has done in the past, and what He has done in the future. Meaning you are praising Him because He already won the battle for you, because He has already delivered you from the trials that you've been through and that you are currently going through." WOW! So true. This is why praise is so powerful.

Poking around online I discovered an article about laughter in the spirit:

When you hear someone laughing in the spirit, there is more that is happening than meets the eye. Angels are involved. Victories are being won. It could be called a form of prayer.

Laughter in the Spirit is a faith-response by our spirit to God's victory through Christ over the devil.

Laughter in the Spirit is a participation by the believer in the victory of Him of Whom it is written, "He that sitteth in the heavens shall laugh"...

...laughter is also regarded in heavenly places as a further EXPRESSION OF FAITH. This laughter is akin to a PROFESSION OF FAITH IN CHRIST'S VICTORY...

...This results in strongholds being pulled-down, in oppressions being broken, and in the spirit of heaviness lifting, in believers being strengthened - not only in the life of the individual who is laughing, but also in the lives of others who are in the meeting - and also in the lives and circumstances of others far distant, whether saved or unsaved, even overseas, even without our understanding.

This is why you will very often see laughter soon turning to the person receiving deliverance. Holy laughter comes from and is an expression of such a spirit of faith as inevitably repels the presence of demons.

WOW. Even laughter is powerful!!!

The enemy truly seeks to kill, steal, and destroy. He only likes to see our happiness in the context of sin. He only leaves us alone when we aren't a threat to the kingdom of Darkness.

So I laugh at the enemy for his nonsense and I laugh with God because He is definitely is doing a great work in me and He has already won every single battle.

Don't take the enemy's threat lightly, but definitely take it as a compliment because it means that you are doing something right.

---
image: http://maryt.files.wordpress.com/2008/03/laughter350x330.jpg

Venting for a Frustrated Woman

2009-02-09T12:32:00.006-05:00

I love my women friends dearly, however what I cannot stand is when they go back to a boy/man to encounter the same nonsense, frustration and abuse that they dealt with for x months/years. I am SICK of it! And while I am not exempt from the bunch, I have come to recognize it just for what it is--nonsense. Why continue to deal with the same problems you've pretty much dealt with since the inception of your relationship--unless adequate time has passed and both parties have made some significant changes in their lives? There is NO point! Crazy = doing the same thing over and over again and continuing to get the same results.

I mean, why do we act like they are the last man on the face of the Earth or the ONLY man on the face of the Earth? Get over it already people! If he doesn't treat like you want to be treated, like you deserve to be treated cut him off. I know it can be like amputating a limb, but sweetie your emotional limb will regenerate itself over time. You will also get to keep your sanity because now you have just graduated from nonsense to common sense.

And BTW I am proud of all my ladies who have amputated the nonsense from their lives already. May you heal and fall in love with focusing on improving yourself.

Okay. That was my short rant.

---
image: http://www.pbfreydersartspace.com/Drawings/slides/98%20Angry%20woman_graphite.jpg

Healed without Scars

2009-02-06T13:46:00.014-05:00

One of the greatest declarations I made in my life happened during my undergrad years. When I first began my long journey of counseling, the book that I was reading at the time, that was written by a Christian author, alluded to the fact that you would probably still have the residue of the past show up in different facets of your life, even many years from now.

I was immediately offended by this. I did not accept the fact that I would always be broken, that the pains of my past would always filter in--I did not believe it because I knew that God was so much bigger than my past. I knew that if God delivered Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego from the fiery furnance and they came out completely unscathed and did not even smell of smoke (Daniel 3:26-27), I knew that God could deliver me from a furnance of my fiery past without residue. I didn't just want God to patch me up with bandaids and stitches--I didn't want to be scarred because scars are a reminder to you and to others who see that there was something wrong, and there still maybe something that was left behind from that scarring--whether it effects your personality, your relationships etc.

Of course my therapist thought I was a little unrealistic about that (she was also Christian), but it didn't phase me because I wasn't going to get mediocre healing when I could have superb healing. I wanted the best healing to break generational curses. I wanted the best healing to raise my children in a healthy manner. I wanted to best healing so that I could get the most out of my relationships.

So I carried the declaration of being healed without scars around me for about 2 to 3 years before I met my pastor in San Diego who recommended a book to me called Healed without Scars by David G. Evans. Of course I was estatic and smiling because there was another Christian who thought like I did. He talked about being made WHOLE again. I realized I was looking to be made whole--my entire being, transformed from brokenness to wholeness. I wanted to be delivered from my past.

The book talks about how people are so hurt and so broken, so brokenhearted and devastated by what people have said, have done, didn't do, by things that have happened or didn't happen--they are so hurt by life itself, such a deep soul wrenching hurt, that they do not realize how that pain filters into every aspect of their lives. So they go through life in their actions, thoughts, decisions ruled by their pain, not even realizing the impact that their unhealed wounds have on their lives and how it affects those around them.

And what's worse is that your wounds directly effect your relationship with God. For me my fear of intimacy would cause me to "run away" from God when I became too close. Most of my life I hid from God for the fear of love, my deep problems with being close to anyone, being exposed, being naked, being shown for my true self. This is why so many of Christians in the church seem "fake" because so many believers hide from God behind a mask, so it is only natural for them to also hide from everyone else.

During that time my pastor told me constantly that "God is looking for you." She also told me that God is not like a human being--"He is not out to hurt you or disappoint you like so many people have in your life. You have to realize that." WOW. So often we equate our experiences with people (particularly people who hate Christians) with our experience with God. God should never be demoted to the standards of people. WOW. I think this is why I relate so well with skeptics, because they are mostly skeptical with people, versus skeptical with truly knowing the Lord.

There is so much that God wants to show us, that God wants to do in our lives, that God wants to mend and remove--but so many of us are too afraid to deal with the pain, and in some cases too afraid to let go of the pain because it has plagued us for so long. But I assure you that freedom is SWEET. There is nothing better than waking up and looking back at all that you survived through, all that you conquered, and no longer feeling the weight of the past on you, no longer feeling hurt by everything and everyone. To wake up truly trusting God and allowing Him to love on you and cultivate a relationship with you. Liberation is one of the best feelings next to knowing who you are and Whose you are.

While I haven't worked out all of my issues yet, I still enjoy my freedom, and know that I am a constant work in progress. I am slowly realizing that one of my goals on this Earth is to set the captives free, make the blind man see, and to help heal the brokenhearted (Isaiah 61:1). I want to everyone to know the freedom in forgivness, in healing, in leaving behind a victim's mentality, and taking charge and authority over their lives.

AMEN?!! (I had to add that in there, this one deserved it!)

When You Are In Despair

2009-02-05T22:36:00.006-05:00

Despair
Tonight there was such a powerful message spoken about having the spirit of despair/heaviness. I realized that not only did I have this spirit myself, more than once, but that God delivered me from it and now I stand with my garment of praise as I mentioned a week or so ago. I also realized that people in my life are bound with this same spirit.

Symptoms of the Spirit of Heaviness include:

1. Excessive mourning
20 years later you still can't see through grief or pain. Years later you still don't have a good view of God in your situation. People try to encourage you and show you the good of God, but you still continue to speak negatively when they try to speak positive. Any one who tries to help someone with excessive mourning is like someone trying to help someone who is drowning but fighting you while you are trying to save them. Not only is it draining to the person trying to help, but it also means that both of you may drown. People with excessive mourning can be only prayed for until they see the God in their situation.

2. Sorrow & Grief
The normal sorrow and grief is circumstantial (like when someone dies). This is okay. It is when you do not have a healthy view of God and do not allow Him to process that sorrow and grief, is when it traps you.

3. Self Pity
The "woe is me" attitude. Harping on all of the bad things in your life. Remember that you are not as bad as people say you are and that you're not as good as people say you are--you are some where in the middle. Meaning that you must stay leveled and centered on who God says you are. No one else.

4. Rejection
People are going to reject you your whole life and it will hurt. But know that you cannot be accepted by everyone, nor do you want to, because if you are accepted by everyone, it has mean that you have compromised yourself. We should aim to please God, not people.

Also being you must be relatable to everyone--not judgemental. Practice being a picker-upper not cutting down people.

5. Insomnia
Insomnia = unrest = internal turmoil. If you have insomnia you may have serious internal conflict. You are being consumed with trying to fix thinigs that you cannot fix. You need the peace of God that passes all understanding--a carnal mind does not understand this peace.

6. Broken Heart
No matter how our heart has been broken--by people, by relationships, the church, life etc, we must allow God to heal our hearts. We also must choose to praise God through our hurt.

Also, we must watch our tongues. Proverbs 12:18 says that the tongue of the wise brings healing. A sharp tongue wounds the spirit and drives pople away. Even when you want to tell people the turth, there is a way to tell them. When people request us to be silent, particularly in a relationship we should respect that and not aggravate that person to blowing up.

7. Hopelessness
Hope anchors the soul. Hope solidifies you. Hope and faith go hand in hand. If you have no hope it may drive you to symptom # 8. Again, you must praise God in spite of your situations--when you do that, you can end up delivered while you are still going through the actual trial.

Also we should never give up hope on God's people. We shouldn't behave as Jonah did and be disobedient or "condemn" everyone else because they are doing wrong. We still have to obey God and offer love and compasssion.

8. Suicidal Thoughts
Suicidal thoughts = enemy speaking words to you and through you. These are never Godly thoughts because in Jerimiah 20, God talks about only having good thoughts toward us even when we are doing wrong. Also, God have a purpose for our lives--if He didn't He wouldn't have us here.

How do you get over these symptoms?
Trade your mourning for a garment of praise (Isaish 61:3). Praise God through your trials, thank God for His goodness.

Surround yourself with people who have your level of faith or better--people who will not get in your boat with you as you are sinking but will pull you out of the boat and praise God with you.

A carnal mind cannot understand why believers do not believe everything they see with their natural eye, nor everything they hear--they do not believe every report. You have to live with a Kingdom mindset and see that your circustances and situations are temporary and not permanent. You must have a high opinion of God's power or the Spirit of Heaviness will over run you.

And remember that you cannot truly appreciate God's mountain top of victory until you have experienced the valley.

When my sister died one of the songs that helped me through was "My Life is in Your Hands" by God's Property:

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You don't have to worry
And don't you be afraid
Joy comes in the morning
Troubles they don't last always
For there's a friend in Jesus
Who will wipe your tears away
And if your heart is broken
Just lift your hands and say

Oh
I know that I can make it
I know that I can stand
No matter what may come my way
My life is in your hands

With Jesus I can take it
With Him I know I can stand
No matter what may come my way
My life is in your hands

So when your tests and trials
They seem to get you down
And all your friends and loved ones
Are nowhere to be found
Remember there's a friend in Jesus
Who will wipe your tears away
And if you heart is broken
Just lift your hands and say

Oh
I know that I can make it
I know that I can stand
No matter what may come my way
My life is in your hands

With Jesus I can take it
With Him I know I can stand
No matter what may come my way
My life is in your hands

-----
image: http://robertodamico.it/foto/peso.gif

"You Will Be Alright"

2009-02-05T13:31:00.007-05:00

The saying that "what doesn't kill can only make you stronger" is only true when you decide not to be defeated by it. It is not the end of the world no matter how bad it is. And you have to remember you are not the only one who is going through or has been through what you have. And you have to remember God is with you through it all--the good, the bad, the ugly, whether it is self inflicted nonsense or something that is completely out of your control.

This is why I love Musiq Soulchild's song "You be Alright" (takes awhile to load the song):

[Verse 1:]
So many people are on a search to find
Within their days for that place
Within their minds to hide
And dump the load of this worldly life
And the things that it can make you feel and do
Just to pass away your time

[Chorus:]
But you be alright
Cause if you just hold on
Be strong (you)
You be alright
Yes you will (yeah)

[Verse 2:]
People have a tendency
To think to themselves that they're the only ones
Going through more things than anyone else
But oh, I bet you'll beg to differ
If you would just consider the bigger picture
Cause then you would see that most people go through
The same things that you do in life

[Chorus:]
But you be alright
Cause if you can take it
You surely can make it
You be alright (yeah)

[Bridge:]
Just take a good look around
Look at the things and all the people
People that you see cause
We share a joy, we share a pain
So it doesn't matter at all
Ohh, were all the same

[Chorus:]
But you be alright
Cause if you can take it
You surely can make it
You be alright (yeah)

[Bridge:]
Don't think that you're the only one
Cause you be alright
See I know things look real hard now
It's gonna work out somehow
Problems may come problems may go
Just as long as you know

[Chorus:]
But you be alright
Cause if you can take it
You surely can make it
You be alright (yeah)

I am Woman. Hear Me Roar.

2009-02-01T19:15:00.007-05:00

My random escapades with my camera phone. This time a run in with black and white also--which I think is a first since sepia tone is usually my first choice when I want to change it up. There is nothing like a photo shoot to lift your confidence and get a good laugh out of. The black and white ones remind me of why I should invest in a real camera and start real photography. After all it runs in my blood via my mother.

Lately I have been finding out what really defines a woman. What is wonderful about a woman. How God has constructed her. What makes her tick. What makes her beautiful. What sets her apart from men. And what makes her attractive.

Even at 25 it still feels strange calling myself a woman even though I take care of myself and my responsibilities, there is so much more to being a woman than just being responsible. Likewise I realize that from my different encounters with men they struggle learning what it really means to be a man. There is much required of those titles just as with any other titles: wife/husband, mother/father etc. A title alone does not signify anything without actions.

These days I am not only learning about the roles of the titles that I have and will have, but I am also learning what I need to do to execute those roles. So far just being a woman and mastering that is fine with me. And not just any woman. A great woman, a woman of God, a wise woman, a woman who lives not in bondage but total and complete freedom.

Blessed to Be a Blessing

2009-01-30T20:35:00.009-05:00

It amazes me that I am not the same person that I was 30 days ago, or even 30 seconds ago. My whole focus has been shifting the last few weeks. I have become more serious, thinking more, mainly about my future.

I am again at a point in my life where I realize that there are things that I thought I wanted that I no longer desire all that much, then there are things that I thought I didn't want at all but it turns out I had just forgotten about, yet there are other things that I desire but in delayed timing because I realize I need more time to pursue my destiny.

I am starting to really buckle down and become even more disciplined and more focused than I have been in the past. This April will be my second full year in Philly. In one of my first postings I talked about God having a plan in bringing me here. I am slowly starting to figure out what that plan is and what assignment I have here.

This past summer I said that I was ready to accept my assignment, that I had officially taken my running shoes off. I almost started to put them back on when discovered this conference that talks about ministry at Eastern--I closed my browser window quickly and tried to not hold myself accountable for seeing it. But a few days later I had a conversation with my cousin about ministry, and I confessed to having seen the conference. That night I did go back to the website and this time I read more about it and swallowed my fears and made the decision to go.

It's funny that once you begin to discover what direction you should walk in next, the "What If..." chorus starts playing in your head--what if I make the wrong decision, what if I fail, what if I don't even get in, what if I don't get the funding to go, what if it's too stressful...blah blah blah. It is only fear singing. I am tired of being so fearful of something going wrong, that I am left paralyzed and going no where, and my life looking exactly the same ten years from now. And I also refuse to live a mediocre "safe" life if it is at the expense of serving God.

I have been desiring direction and instruction even before I finished undergrad. I think that I have been so concerned that God's desires wouldn't match up with my desires, that I have been too afraid to do either. Now I am realizing that many of my desires, were always His desires, except my prespective differed. My focus was on fulfilling my desires for myself. But God plants desires and His focus is on fulfilling those desires in order to help others and further His Kingdom. I am beginning to believe that this is probably the case with most people--they have the right desires, but they ultimately fulfill them for selfish reasons.

With this reconcilliation in place that prespective, truly living your life for others, even in your desires, I am starting to remember the heart that I had for God's people, God's city, God's world. Recently U Miami lost one of it's previous president's Dr. Henry King Stanford. I never knew the man and didn't realize he was still around, but what I remembered was that I received the scholarship in his name for 1/2 tuition to make it possible for me to attend UM, to obtain a Bachelor's degree. My first thought was "Wow, he made it possible for me to go to school." Then I was bummed out because I never actually met him, and never really had the chance to thank him, even in writing.

Then I thought, well why do people donate money and things to complete strangers? And of course I thought about the very basics: "You are blessed to be a blessing." WOW. This man's death reminded me of why I have life. Why I went to school in the first place. None of it is for my sole benefit. I am to further myself to further others. I am to further myself to further the Kingdom. I am blessed to be a blessing. I know, it is the "duh" moment, but I know that because we life in such a selfish society it is so easy to become self absorbed and forget our real purpose.

It is really all about perspective. We get so caught up in living for ourselves that we don't see that there are people dying around us, longing for someone to reach out to them, longing to be acknowledged, longing to know that God has not forgotten them. I guess it's this reason why I have never liked the idea of community service, because I always feel as though people do it for selfish reasons--either to feel good about themselves, to repay some type of debt they think they owe, or to add a notch to their "I'm a good person" headdress--rarely for actually doing it because someone else needs help. I always wanted my heart to be in it, not my selfishness. Now I have to take that perspective and shift it from selfishness to selflessness.

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http://imagecache2.allposters.com/images/pic/APG/607-21951~Saving-Grace-Posters.jpg

"The Beautiful Let Down"

2009-01-28T22:16:00.010-05:00

The world is a strange and lonely place a lot of the time. Even if you are surrounded by all of the people you love, lead a fairly stable and happy life, and all of the above, it still proves to be odd at times and even surreal. Like some how we were all placed onto someone's grid and now are playing leading roles in our own separate screen plays while the director watches from the distance.

I don't belong here. I know that I've never belonged here. Not just because I feel out-of-place, but because I have always known that this has never been the ultimate for me.

And it is interesting because so many people spend their whole lives looking for some type of connection and finding plenty of them, even connecting with God. But even that is never enough. If God says that He will never leave us or forsake us, why does it feel like the majority of the time we are alone, even when we walk with God and God is with us?

The only conclusion that I could draw today is that it is because we are apart from the full essence of God in which we can really only experience in death. If my theory proves true, that is a pretty depressing reality to be in.

And while 80 or even 120 years of life is only a blip on God's timeline, sometimes it truly feels like forever on Earth. Sometimes it doesn't really seem worth to even experience this at times miserable human existance. We are riddled with flaws, errors, repeat mistakes, disobedience, short comings--everything. There doesn't seem to be a whole lot of good associated with us, especially when we look at the world as a whole.

That's why I don't understand people's "If you're a good person..." theory because the Bible is true when it says no one is good except for God (Luke 18:19). What is really "good" about humans? What's interesting is that in that same passage Jesus talks about giving your life up for the Kingdom, that is the only way to inherit eternal life. You must serve God on Earth in order to be reunited with God in your entirety in heaven.

Another interesting point is that the Bible refers to all believers as saints. So then I wonder is being human in and of itself a grand test that we pass or fail. How to face all the challenges of being human living in the natural realm while still trying to maintain a relationship with a supernatural God?

I don't think I will have my questions answered until I have come to the end of the road here on Earth. Since I've been a Christian I have always been frustrated with this disconnection, the missing piece in my life. Or perhaps the answer lies in this passage in Romans 8:

"16The Spirit Himself [thus] testifies together with our own spirit, [assuring us] that we are children of God.

17And if we are [His] children, then we are [His] heirs also: heirs of God and fellow heirs with Christ [sharing His inheritance with Him]; only we must share His suffering if we are to share His glory.

18[But what of that?] For I consider that the sufferings of this present time (this present life) are not worth being compared with the glory that is about to be revealed to us and in us and for us and conferred on us!

19For [even the whole] creation (all nature) waits expectantly and longs earnestly for God's sons to be made known [waits for the revealing, the disclosing of their sonship].

20For the creation (nature) was subjected to [i]frailty (to futility, condemned to frustration), not because of some intentional fault on its part, but by the will of Him Who so subjected it--[yet] with the hope

21That nature (creation) itself will be set free from its bondage to decay and corruption [and gain an entrance] into the glorious freedom of God's children.

22We know that the whole creation [of irrational creatures] has been moaning together in the pains of labor until now.

23And not only the creation, but we ourselves too, who have and enjoy the firstfruits of the [Holy] Spirit [a foretaste of the blissful things to come] groan inwardly as we wait for the redemption of our bodies [from sensuality and the grave, which will reveal] our adoption (our manifestation as God's sons)."

This supports that there is a disconnect about being fully actualized, fully known. We long to be redeemed, set free from this carnality so that we can be at our full capacity.

People do not realize who they truly are, even when they are in God, they don't see themselves as God sees them. They see themselves as society, family, and the Earth sees them. But the day will come when the scales fall from people's eyes so that they may know who they truly are. The greatness that is truly within them. The power that dwells there. The beauty that has long gone dormant.

Meant to Live - Switchfoot
My favorite lyrics:

"...Maybe we've been livin with our eyes half open
Maybe we're bent and broken, broken

[Chorus]

We want more than this world's got to offer
We want more than this world's got to offer
We want more than the wars of our fathers
And everything inside screams for second life, yeah

We were meant to live for so much more
Have we lost ourselves?
We were meant to live for so much more
Have we lost ourselves?
We were meant to live for so much more
Have we lost ourselves?
We were meant to live
We were meant to live"

Beautiful Letdown - Switchfoot

"It was a beautiful let down
When I crashed and burned
When I found myself alone unknown and hurt
It was a beautiful let down
The day I knew
That all the riches this world had to offer me
Would never do

In a world full of bitter pain and bitter doubt
I was trying so hard to fit in, fit in,
Until I found out
I don't belong here
I don't belong here
I will carry a cross and a song where I don't belong
But I don't belong

It was a beautiful let down
When you found me here
Yeah for once in a rare blue moon I see everything clear
I'll be a beautiful let down
That's what I'll forever be
And though it may cost my soul
I'll sing for free
We're still chasin our tails and the rising sun
And our dark water planet's
Still spinning in a race
Where no one wins and no one's one

I don't belong here
I don't belong here
I'm gonna set sight and set sail for the kingdom come
I will carry a cross and a song where I don't belong
But i don't belong
I don't belong here
I don't belong here
Kingdom come
Your kingdom come

Won't you let me down yeah
Let my foolish pride
Forever let me down

Easy living, not much like your name
Easy dying, you look just about the same
Won't you please take me off your list
Easy living please come on and let me down

We are a beautiful let down,
Painfully uncool,
The church of the dropouts
The losers, the sinners, the failures and the fools
Oh what a beautiful let down
Are we salt in the wound
Let us sing one true tune

I don't belong here
I don't belong here
I don't belong here
Feels like I don't belong here
Let me down
Let me down
Feels like I'm let down
Let me down.
Cuz I don't belong here
Please
Won't you let me down?"

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image: http://breadandwine.files.wordpress.com/2008/03/camel-needle-surreal.jpg

The Garment of Praise

2009-01-25T22:49:00.006-05:00

Another thing that really spoke to me during today's service was the scripture the young man used--a scripture that God gave me in college about my calling, Isaiah 61:

1 The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me,
because the LORD has anointed me
to proclaim good news to the poor.
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
to proclaim freedom for the captives
and release from darkness for the prisoners,

2 to proclaim the year of the LORD's favor
and the day of vengeance of our God,
to comfort all who mourn,

3 and provide for those who grieve in Zion—
to bestow on them a crown of beauty
instead of ashes,
the oil of joy
instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called mighty oaks,
a planting of the LORD
for the display of his splendor.

It reminded me that I am called to help set people free, to show them them the way out of the darkness, and to heal the brokenhearted--all things in which I have experienced myself.

Something I just noticed in reading verse 3 is trading in the spirit of despair for the garment of praise. The last few weeks God has been showing me a lot more about praise--what it truly is, how it impacts your circumstances and situations, how it is communication with God, how it tears down strong holds. God has been showing me all of this because He has removed the spirit of despair and giving me the garment of praise--to praise Him for all He has done, is doing, and will do and just because He's God, and my Lord. WOW. I have been given the garment of praise. It is an honor. Now it is a matter of learning how to be a praiser.

I learned a few weeks ago that there are at least 20 words in Hebrew for praise--and we only really have one in English! There are degrees of praise, different types of praise, and different ways to praise depending on the situation. I would say I have a Halal praise right now "to praise hilariously, clamourously, foolishly, to rave, to boast, to make show, to shine forth." Halal is the root of Halleluyah which is literally Hallel + Yah "Praise Yahweh (God)."

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http://andrettiart.com/images/andretti-01G.jpg

Love Letter to My First Love <3

2009-01-25T22:17:00.010-05:00

I really can't help smiling when I think about God wooing me. His honest, sincere, heart-filled pursuit of me. Him draping His arms around me, taking me under His wing, whispering a sweet future into my ear.

God truly has a way about Him. He is the most gentle gentleman, the most cordial spirit, the most polite, not intruding. He fills me with excitement and wonder.

People look at me when I write down the Word that He speaks to me, the things that He shows me and shares with me. I can see why He is a jealous one, because He knows He offers a love like no other, a touch like no other, woos like no other. He knows that no one can ever match His expertise in the matters of the heart. He knows that His love is enchanting and fulfilling even in the loneliest of hours. He knows that He is reliable, that He provides, that He fulfills the desires of the heart.

He is with us every waking moment...even knows each hair upon our heads. It is hard not to be enamoured with God when you have removed the callouses from your heart, when you have allowed Him to heal you and love you back to life.

He speaks to me in song, in dance, in poetry, whispers in my dreams. I'll admit I am infactuated with Him. He makes me laugh--He has the best sense of humor. He understands me like no other. He values my life. He sees me, not as I am, but as I can be, as I will be. He ignites a passion within me to honor, respect, and love Him. To cherish Him. To welcome Him. To trust Him.

He sees my beauty. He has been there through my funk and my summertimes. He has been my light in the darkest of nights. He has loved me in spite of myself. He has loved me even when I did not know Him. He has loved me even when I have been unfaithful. He has forgiven me for my shortcomings and has seen past the flaws. He is whole heartedly committed to me. He is intimate. He seeks to build a relationship of a lifetime, of eternal magnitude.

He is my hope, my strength, my everything.

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image: http://i63.photobucket.com/albums/h128/ANUBISS13/heart_cloud.gif

Answering the Call - Stepping Out

2009-01-25T20:35:00.012-05:00

Today was a pretty amazing day. Not only was I witness to my cousin's daughter being Christened, I enjoyed the entire service because I was inspired by the youth who ran the service since it was youth Sunday. There were two young men who were 20 years old who had a heart for God. One of them introduced the other one who delivered the sermon. I was inspired because I have forgotten what it is like to see a young man on fire for God and I have forgotten that I once had that same fire in college, where both of them are now.

I was also glad to see that God is raising up the next generation of believers, although it isn't always publicized or even supported in many churches today. Despite their age they were wise in the Lord and very mature. And I sat wonder where was the maturity of these young men--where was that same level of maturity in the guys I encountered in college? And I realized that I didn't see men of their calibur in college because I was looking for a worldly maturity, when really what I desired was a Godly maturity.

With a Godly maturity, you can still be some what naive and immature by society's standards, but with Godly wisdom, knowing God, and dedicating your life to serving and following Him, this is what forms true maturity. I didn't know how to put it in words before--I have been saying that I desire a husband who is an old head in wisdom, but driven and living like a young head. What I am looking for is someone who is mature in God--and I don't mean someone who has been a Christian for X amount of years. I am talking about someone who submits their life to God, who is committed to serving God, and who is going to walk with God despite how contradictory it is to the ways of the world.

Last night I was on Eastern University's site, poking around because I am thinking more about going to grad school--particularly looking at this MDIV/MBA dual program. I found an upcoming conference that is about being called to the ministry. At first I considered it, then being overwhelmed with fear I closed the window and diverted my attention to something else. But after today seeing the young men, then talking to my cousin who is really adamant about starting a youth ministry since so few ministries really reach out to our generation, because we have such unique circumstances that are not being addressed for the realities we face in our time than that of our parent's generation. We need a fresh Word from God that is directed specifically toward us.

My cousin felt the same way I feel--I am being called and want to answer that call, however I also have an idea of all that the calling requires and I don't know if I'm truly ready for that part. Ministry is draining, challenging, frustrating and all of the above, but I also know that is is also the greatest fulfillment that you can ever feel, when you are truly doing that which God has called you to do.

Back on November 7, 2008 at 3:16 am God sent a clarion call, and part of that call, I said in my November 16th entry, was that I would be spiritually awakened. And I have been. I am enjoying church and I feel surrounded by the presence of God and want to draw near to God where as a couple of months ago I felt alienated and cut-off. I'll admit I know that my relationship had almost everything to do with it because I felt like I had to choose--and it should never be like like with anyone--you should never put anyone or anything before God.

I am so glad that even when that happens God always reminds me that He is "my first, my last, my everything." I know ultra cheesy, but it is so true. God always woos me back into His arms, beckoning me to lean on Him and trust in Him and serve Him again. Even something as simple as tithing I become enamoured with again. I laugh when God woos me, because it really doesn't take much for me to be all in His face again.

It is interesting because today at church one of the sisters commented that I have a "glow" about me, a radiance. And when I went home to San Diego, another sister just kept saying "you're so different." And when I told my dad that my relationship was over, he said that it didn't sound that way. Do I think it is the strangest thing ever? Yes, even stranger than when Bishop jumped for joy when I got laid off almost two years ago. Because what I realized it is not about what you seemingly lost--it's about what you still have, what you have learned, and whant you have gained--that's all that matters especially when what you have is God. When you have that revelation nothing else matters.

So as I have the desire to run in fear in the other direction, I know that God is really trying to remove me from my comfort zone, spiritually, financially, emotionally etc. If I truly want my life to be all that God has for me I have to stop running the other way. I have to be willing to succeed and seemingly fail (although you never fail with God, though that's how the world may perceive it). And I also have to keep in mind that it is perfectly okay to make a mistake. There are many things I am just going to have to start stepping out on faith for in the coming months. God wants to get me out of my comfort zone. He is calling me to something so much greater than myself. He is calling me to submit to His Will and His Word. He is calling me to serve Him first and foremost in every aspect of my life.

Back in July I talked about being "In Pursuit of Selfishness." I described putting my running shoes away to really settle down into the things of God:

"Living for yourself is quite the unfulfilling life. Living your life to help others live their lives, that is fulfilling. A selfish person is a miserable person.

"I have been thinking about some really deep things lately. Maybe your age does catch up with you after awhile when you realize you can no longer fool around, that life has a whole lot more than vain pursuits. I think when you start to think about settling down you also start to view and measure your life and its worth and value and what has meaning in it, if anything.

"In settling down while you have given up pursuit, it positions you to receive and hear from God what it is that He truely has entailed for your life, what mission that He wants you to encounter. You in essence receive another pursuit--a Godly pursuit, a pursuit of vision and purpose and perspective. A selfless pursuit, a sacrificial pursuit--where God wanted you in the first place."

And a month before that, I talked about finding out my purpose in life:

"I want to do something that fosters change in society and in this world. I want to inspire, heal, teach, and educate. I want to compel people to look at the state of their hearts and start to take part in making the change they want to see. I want to love what I do and I want it to have a purpose and a goal at the end of the day.

"I have always expected my assignment to be crazy, far fetched, and perhaps something that doesn’t even appeal to me, but I now know that no matter what it is, it has to be far more exciting and fulfilling than my current life is. If most of us admitted it, except for a few high moments, our lives are mundane when we are living it for ourselves. Only when we live it for God does it start to get really interesting. After all God doesn’t live and operate on human standards, but super natural ones. I am curious to see what God has in store for me."

In reading over my old entries, this whole time while I've been waiting to learn about my purpose and mission, God has been preparing me to reach a point in my life where I have tried it my way and found unhappiness--now it is time to try it His way to experience unspeakable joy.

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image: haracministries.org/why.htm

America is America Again

2009-01-20T22:05:00.006-05:00

Let America Be America Again by Langston Hughes

Let America be America again.
Let it be the dream it used to be.
Let it be the pioneer on the plain
Seeking a home where he himself is free...

...Let America be the dream the dreamers dreamed--
Let it be that great strong land of love
Where never kings connive nor tyrants scheme
That any man be crushed by one above...

...O, let my land be a land where Liberty
Is crowned with no false patriotic wreath,
But opportunity is real, and life is free,
Equality is in the air we breathe...

...O, let America be America again--
The land that never has been yet--
And yet must be--the land where every man is free.
The land that's mine--the poor man's, Indian's, Negro's, ME--
Who made America,
Whose sweat and blood, whose faith and pain,
Whose hand at the foundry, whose plow in the rain,
Must bring back our mighty dream again...

...We, the people, must redeem
The land, the mines, the plants, the rivers.
The mountains and the endless plain--
All, all the stretch of these great green states--
And make America again!

America IS America Again today Mr. Hughes. :-)

( image http://www.cbc.ca/gfx/images/news/photos/2009/01/19/obama-lincoln-cp-w6109957.jpg)

Are You Just Alive, Or Truly Living?

2009-01-16T22:32:00.013-05:00

It doesn't matter how long you live. What matters is if you lived.

It astonished me today when I responded to my cousin's question: "What you would do if you only had 30 days to live?" I wrote:

1. Quit my job and start my own business.
2. I would self publish all of my writings and distribute them across the Internet.
3. Teach in Japan for a few days.
4. Give away my eggs.
5. Take a road trip across the USA.

Then I went on to say: "I do have to be honest though, that I don't really have many regrets because I know I am where I need to be right now in my life emotionally, financially, psychologically, and even spiritually. Of course I would like to be further along, but I am realistic and know that if I didn't make some of the mistakes that I made, I wouldn't have such a sense of my own identity now. I have been really putting things into perspective lately too and focusing more on what really matters."

I wrote this answer without really thinking twice about it, then I thought more about why none of the things that I had on my list were absolutely pressing and that if I was to stand before my Maker right at this moment, I would feel as though I have lived a complete life, only at the age of 25. The only real regret I would have would be the fact that I didn't have a chance to raise children (since that truly is an experience and life time of change and growth in and of itself). Other than that I've done some pretty amazing things in my short life span:

1. Studied abroad in Spain, my first country to visit outside of the US, as well as the country I wanted to see the most before I died. I did that senior year of college.
2. Taught English in China and climbed the Great Wall.
3. Moved clear across the country from San Diego to Miami to go to college.
4. Moved clear across the country again, this time from San Diego to Philadelphia.
5. I know what it means to live on my own, handle my own responsibilities and take care of me.
6. I have learned to manage my finances a whole lot better than I have in the past, and I only continue to get better.
7. I have been committed to a career in which I have learned a lot of knowledge about the business world and the vastness I have in myself.
8. I survived my parent's divorce.
9. I survived my sister's death.
10. I survived abuse, been through counseling, and have been going through the healing process for a good eight years.
11. I survived suicidal thoughts and the dark spaces of the world.
12. I have loved someone with my all, had someone love me, had my heart broken and healed.
13. I have used my negative experiences to give me the drive and encouragment that I need.
14. I have forgiven those who have hurt me and have stopped living my life as the victim.
15. I have known and experienced God and seen His grace, His mercy, His hand upon my life, His provision, His faithfulness, His everlasting unconditional love and His ability protect and conduct...

And the list goes on. What is interesting is that I couldn't have sat down and answered my cousin's question the same way a year ago because despite all of those obstacles I've overcome and despite all of those experiences I've had, they are rendered meaningless if I have not experienced true freedom in living, true freedom of being myself, loving myself and loving others.

Through everything I've experienced I feel as though I have lived because I was able to forgive myself, everyone else, and see life from a positive perspective. No longer with the fear of what other people think of me or know about me. I have stopped being a victim of circumstances and situations. I have stopped hating myself. I have stopped hating my history. At the end of the day I can't change any of it but what I can do is use all of it as lessons, use all of it as a testimony of where I've been, use all of it to discover who I am and to remember Whose I am.

Imagine if everyone was freed from the bondage of their past, was freed from regret and unforgiveness, was freed from being a victim, if everyone was walking in freedom--how different our world would be. How different we'd treat one another. How different our perspective would be about everything.

It doesn't matter how many years you've lived. You can be a CEO and have 60 years invested into a career and still be a prisoner and never have experienced freedom. Quantity is totally irrelevant. Perspective and perception is key.

(image http://gallery.photo.net/photo/4636412-lg.jpg)

"god" Has Failed Us Part 2 - When "All" Is Lost

2009-01-15T17:42:00.003-05:00

I couldn't be more disturbed with the whole Bernie Madoff situation—-not just with people for trusting this man but on top of that, trusting this man with their life savings and putting their faith in those savings. This weekend I read an article about Alexandra Penney who says she lost her life savings to Madoff. She said that her worst fear in life came true: losing everything.

I couldn’t help but be annoyed by the article because it was written with the slant (along with other articles) that this is all Madoff’s fault, without any of the investors taking responsibility for their actions. Why are you putting all of your trust in one man? Or really when it boils down to it, why are you putting all of your trust in this one thing—money? As I mentioned in “god” Has Failed Us part one even our money states “In God We Trust,” but many have taken that to mean in “god” we trust since money has become our big God. This is such an interesting relationship between money and God because Jesus says “No servant can serve two masters: for either he will hate the one, and love the other; or else he will hold to the one, and despise the other. Ye cannot serve God and mammon” (Luke 16:13)

So I don’t understand the concept when people say that they’ve lost it “all.” When people say they have nothing else to live for because they have lost all of their Earthly possessions. There are billions of people on this Earth who don’t own anything yet they are living and want to live, and have a reason for living. I can’t help thinking about India.Arie’s song “There’s Hope” where she talks about how it is truly about your perspective on the world that determines your joy. She tells a story about a man who she met in Brazil:

“He had no windows and no doors
He lived a simple life and was extremely poor
On top of all of that he had no eye sight,
but that didn't keep him from seein' the light
He said, what's it like in the USA,
and all I did was complain
He said-livin' here is paradise
He taught me paradise is in your mind.”

It is truly all about perspective and realizing what you do have, and what is ever lasting. And realizing that it is what doesn’t perish with the change of the market or the blowing of the wind—-those are the things that truly matter.

I also don’t understand how people, who have health issues (which they can resolve on their own) or diseases (that can be treated), don’t want to live—-especially when all they have to do is change their lifestyle and take their meds. But they would rather waste away and cause themselves unnecessary sickness and even death.

Yet there are people who are on their death beds (not by choice or their doing) and are asking for a few more moments, days, years. My friend told me this story about one of her good friends who has AIDS who ended up in the hospital suffering from dehydration and low T-cell count—-not only because he has AIDS but because he didn’t take his meds and didn’t drink enough fluids.

With the confused and disturbed look on my face she continued to say that a few years ago she had taken him into her home and nursed him back to health because he hadn’t been taking care of himself. She took care of him for two solid years, then he was on his own for a couple of years, and when she hadn’t heard from him in awhile she went to his home and found him in the same state he was in when she took him in the first time.

Exasperated by this point I blurted out “well let him die this time because you cannot make anyone live”. It was harsh, but she agreed with me—you cannot make anyone live, you cannot live for them. You can try but it is a losing battle. I saw this with my grandmother who died this past July. She was only 66 years old, her husband was 81 and they had been together for 26 years. I couldn’t understand how she could just “give up”—especially since I knew that she was a fighter. My cousin told me that I couldn’t fight for her and I couldn’t convince her to fight for herself. She needed to change her perspective. She died not only because she had cancer and was very sick, but also because she didn’t put up a fight.

On the flip side I know of a woman who beat cancer (right after my grandmother died) and despite the physical deterioration that chemo took on her body, her undying spirit, faith and trust in God got her through it. And today Bishop Katie Woods not only stands as a testament of what faith can do, even when the situation looks bleak, but also as a example of what putting your trust in God can do—not putting your trust in “god”, in doctors, investors, or anyone else.

So I don’t understand how “all” is lost. I don’t understand how Marcus Schrenker's jumped out of plane, crashed it, then played dead, and then actually attempted suicide. There is nothing so bad that you can’t overcome. When Job in the Bible had literally lost all of his wealth and even his health his wife said “Curse God and die” (Job 2:9). Job refused. And while Job wailed the next 30 plus chapters, he never ended his life and God restored above and beyond all of his Earthly possessions because his God wasn’t his wealth and his health.

There is always hope and there is a season for everything. When “all” seems lost there is always something to be thankful for, even if it is just for the breath in your body. The chorus of “There’s Hope” states:

“It doesn't cost a thing to smile
You don't have to pay to laugh
You better thank God for that.”

No one can ever take away your faith and your fight. And no mountain is too big to be moved. No debt is too great. No loss depletes you. No sickness can over take you. I am reminded of one of the only praise songs I know in Spanish:

Si tuvieras fe, como un grano de mostaza
Eso lo dice el Señor…
Tu le dirías a la montaña, mueve té! Mueve té!
…Esa montaña se moverá, se moverá, se moverá

Translation:
If you have faith like a grain of mustard
Thus says the Lord…
You say to the mountain, Move! Move!
…And that mountain will be removed, be removed, will be removed.

But the only way for that mountain to be moved is if you have faith in God’s ability to move it, you visualize it, and you fight to move it. Jesus says that “If you have faith and do not doubt, you shall not only do this miracle of the fig tree, but also; if you shall say to this mountain, Be moved and be thrown into the sea; it shall be done” (Mat 21:21). You not only say it out of your mouth but your faith is reflected in the way that you conduct your life as well—-your attitude, your perspective etc.

As I become more financially responsible, I used to be so stressed about my bills, the amount of my bills, whether or not I could pay them, if I could pay them off etc. Over the last few weeks God has really been opening my eyes about my situation and I realize that I am in a much better position than I thought I was before. I will pay my bills and I will pay them off and not just because I am employed (because even having a job is temporary and subject to change at any moment especially in this economy), but because I have the G-factor—God and I put my trust in Him and not the mint, my bank account, the economy, or even the next President.

And I’m not here to play perfect Betty either. I have been at times in my life when I wanted to kill myself, when I thought all was lost, when I thought there was nothing else to live for. But now when I feel myself getting to that point I regain perspective and re-evaluate and re-learn about who God was, and is, and is to come, and how He has brought me through so much already.

Don’t allow fear to rule you. Start living with faith. See God as your source. This perspective truly empowers you to do anything and to survive anything—it truly empowers you to live. Remember that “all” can never truly be lost unless you lose God and you lose yourself—and even when it comes to that, God never loses you.

Finding Strength in Love

2009-01-08T15:46:00.007-05:00

My favorite song when I was a child was Whitney Houston's "Greatest Love of All." I think it is her best and most powerful song to date. It was a song that really gave me hope about the future despite the awful state my life was in at the time:

“Everybody's searching for a hero
People need someone to look up to
I never found anyone who fulfilled my needs
A lonely place to be
And so I learned to depend on me

I decided long ago, never to walk in anyone's shadows
If I fail, if I succeed
At least I'll live as I believe
No matter what they take from me
They can't take away my dignity
Because the greatest love of all
Is happening to me

I found the greatest love of all
Inside of me
The greatest love of all
Is easy to achieve
Learning to love yourself
It is the greatest love of all…

…And if by chance, that special place
That you've been dreaming of
Leads you to a lonely place
Find your strength in love.”

It took me a really long time to love myself growing up and even when I did start loving myself it was a lukewarm love, a conditional love. Over the years I have learned how to love me and in the last few months I have learned the essence of self love after I was able to forgive myself. And while I find a boost in my strength from self-love, my source is Love Himself. In some aspects Whitney was wrong—the greatest love is not in yourself, but in fact in God, and that in order to experience a true self love you have to first experience the love God has for you—why He loves you, how He loves you, and how much He loves you:

“So we have come to know and to believe the love that God has for us. God is love, and whoever abides in love abides in God, and God abides in him. By this is love perfected with us…"(1 John 4:16-17).

Self love apart from God can just become self absorbed, and honestly at the end of the day, I think most of us will admit that we don’t even like ourselves all that much. Once we know God’s love for us, we are able to love ourselves in spite of ourselves and are able to see ourselves the way that He sees us. We are also able to live without fear: ”There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear.” (1 John 4:18). Of course fear is only one of the many things that you overcome when you love, but it is the most important thing that is annihilated because fear stiffles people from realizing who they are and their potential.

I realize that I am happy being me. I love being me. And while I know there are things to work on and change, I am just starting to unearth the greatness within me, the power that is there, the sparkle, the glow. I think when people discover this, this gives them the glow of revelation, the glow of knowing who you are and where you’ve come from. And that’s not to say that you don’t ever cry anymore but that your tears and releasing the pain is more liberating than holding on to it. Letting go of what lies behind me and pressing forward to the mark that lies ahead (Philippians 3:13-14).

“Happy Being Me” By Angie Stone

"Looking back on when I started
Had a lot of sun and a lot of rain
I had some joy and been broken hearted
But now that doesn't mean a thing
I'm living for the joy and laughter
Longing for my befores and afters
All in all it's been cool
And there's nothing I wouldn't do
I'm so happy being me

Ohhh
So happy being me
I'm regretting nothing about me
Too busy living life, giving love, Freely
So happy being me

Stop reaching back from your beginnings
All those broken dreams that went down stream
As we grow, live and know
Some things were never meant to be
Just like people come and go
Some will live forever and some we'll never know
That's why God gives us memories
To lead us to our victories
I'm so happy loving me…

…All those hidden treasures
Feeling nothing but pleasure
We could never replace, His love (We can't no we can't no)
The sunlight leads us to a place and the moonlight keeps us in His grace I'm so happy happy being me

So happy being me
I'm regretting nothing about me
Too busy living life, giving love, Freely
So happy being me."

From God's Perspective

2009-01-07T16:11:00.008-05:00

Today I was reading another blog that gave me a nice reminder that only God really sees the whole picture. It is ironic because the other day I was just thinking the same thing. God is the only one who opens and closes doors, no one else. If someone or something blocks you from the mark, hold on while God circumnavigates the stumbling block and leads you to your destination. It is also about being humbled and going back to God the source and the one who is in control.

Christina's blog entry elborates on this idea:

"See, I have set before you an open door, and no one can shut it; for you have a little strength, have kept My word, and have not denied My name.

Your contract on your dream house just fell through. The promotion you were sure of fizzled at the last management meeting. The person you knew would become your spouse called off the relationship over the phone.

Slam. Slam. Slam. Doors you thought God had opened wide become curtains of steel. What is God doing? What is He up to? Why is He placing me in this box canyon?

Despite your disappointment, remember this: God is sovereignly leading your steps in a path that will bring Him the ultimate glory and you the ultimate benefit as you abandon yourself to His care.

“But the house was just perfect.”
“I desperately need the money that would come from the promotion.”
“I do not know of any other person I could marry.”

From your limited perspective, all of these statements are true. But understand that God alone can see around the bend.
The next time your hopes are dashed and the doors of aspiration are slammed in your face, rely on the all–sufficient wisdom of God, who alone knows the end from the beginning.

Lord, my perspective is limited, so I need You to open the doors I am to walk through this day. Close the doors that You do not want me to enter. Help me understand that closed doors are just as important as those that are open to me."

Charles F. Stanley, Enter His Gates : A Daily Devotional, January 6 (Nashville: Thomas Nelson Publishers, 1998).

"I Don't Wanna Hurt"

2009-01-06T23:01:00.004-05:00

WOW. Once again, music sometimes says everything you need to say, everything you feel. WOW. It is already starting off to be a pretty incredible year.

"I Don't Wanna Hurt" Anouk

"I Don't Wanna Hurt" Anouk

We're breaking things we cant repair
none of us will take them blame
no nothing can be done this time
All the memories that we've made
I threw them all away
There's no need to talk it over
Dont let me get you down
let's just move on
i am setting you free

Cause i dont wanna hurt no more
i dont wanna make you go
through one more rainy day
No i dont wanna hurt no more
Strange enough i always knew
i'm taking off today
Dont wanna hurt no more

Darkness you left in my soul
now do we know how much we've lost?
Will the moon be shining as bright as before
And as i am singing this song
the tears went up in my eyes
And i will always wonder
why i will never have the life i wanted
Now i'm letting it go

Cause i dont wanna hurt no more
i dont wanna make you go
through one more rainy day
No i dont wanna hurt no more
There's not much more to say
cause it's to late now
i wont hurt no more..

So i'll wait till morning comes
you made it clear it's been only pain loving me
things that we dont do for love
i am setting you free

Cause i dont wanna hurt no more
i dont wanna make you go
through one more rainy day
No i dont wanna hurt no more
Strange enough i always knew
i'm taking off today
Im letting you go...